Christmas

Whew. . . it is the evening of December 26. Last year at this time, my husband and I were at the emergency department of a local hospital. The day before, Christmas Day, I had had some little spotting, but mostly major cramping. I knew that I was miscarrying, because my pregnancy with Sam had never felt like that. But, I wanted to think that the pregnancy was fine. . . until fairly intense bleeding began around lunchtime on the 26th. Still, I held onto hope, because right before heading to the hospital, I got a positive hpt. No, my hormones were just high enough to give the positive, but the pregnancy was pretty much gone.

I have been in part dreading Christmas this year, thinking that something horrible would happen with our current little one. . . well, the 26th is almost over, and N is kicking me. He reminds me regularly now, reminding me that he is here and doing fine.

Christmas was laid back and relaxed. We played our new Wii games. My husband got me Wii Fit. . . which I've been wanting. Yes, I am being careful! I am right at the beginning of the third trimester! Only about 11 or 12 more weeks. Soon the weeks will be down to single digits! Hard to believe.

On Christmas Eve, we went to the midnight service. At the end, everyone gathered outside with lit candles to sing Silent Night, which I'd also been dreading. It is the one Christmas song that makes me cry since the Christmas with Sam. I almost started crying, and then in that moment N kicked me really hard. . . and I smiled and almost burst out in a crying laugh. He wanted me to make sure I remembered he was there, too!

Variety of Experieneces/Feelings Today

Here is the post I just posted on MISS. . .

"First, I braved high winds (but got home before the dust storm moved in), traffic, crowds and did a little shopping. Besides food, I didn't buy much. I don't know why, but I was drawn to a display of small snowman ornaments with names on them. I have never actually looked for Sam on any of the name things because I always think that like my name and my husband's, we'll never find Samyar on anything "personalized". However, I thought I would look to see if my nieces' or nephew's names were on any of them as they have more "standard" names.

The whole display was rather out of order. . . and suddenly I found myself looking at an ornament, in the wrong place alphabetically, that said "Sam". I gasped. We called him Sam, and I had never thought of looking for anything that said Sam only. And then I really gasped. Right next the Sam ornament is a single ornament bearing the name (well, the shorter version of it we've been calling him already in private) that we have chosen for our new little one. It is not near Sam in the alphabet, and was not in the right place in the display, either. They were just hanging right next to each other. Impulsively I bought both of them. It just felt so right. Like a sign. They are going to go on our tree. . . except. . . we may hide the one (maybe on the back of the tree) with the new baby's name when people come (even my parents) because we're not sharing his name yet!

Then when I got home, I checked the mail and found we'd received my grandpa's Christmas letter. He is 87 years old, but really doing very well. His letter was well-written, etc. Except he mentioned the birth of his 4th great-grandchild (my cousin's daughter). I caught that right away. 4th?????? My Sam is his 4th great-grandchild!!! Cousin's daughter is his 5th great-grandchild. My new little one is his 6th! I feel so incredibly hurt by this. After having such a neat experience with the name ornaments, I think it hit me even harder than it might have.

We're starting to mark the two-year mark for things with Sam (two years ago tomorrow Sam's pressure dropped out when they were inserting a tube to drain his lung - they didn't know at the time that it was just a small, practically non-functional lung without fluid, just looked like there was fluid on x-ray, he was resuscitated, and put on ECMO for four days, right over Christmas).

I think overall, I have been having a "better" holiday season this year than last year, but right now, I am also starting to get panicked that something is going to happen yet this December. Last year I miscarried on Christmas, too, so I am just nervous. Trying not to be superstitious.

Thank you for letting me share."

Some Thoughts

1) I have been having insomnia every morning at 4 am since Monday. Baby is always moving then, some back pain, and this morning, severe heartburn for the first time.

2) I didn't have these issues this early with my pregnancy with Sam.

3) N has grown even since Tuesday. He was moving a lot today. I think he's now laying across right above my belly button - head on one side, butt on the other, with his hands and feet punching and dancing on my bladder. Again.

4) My husband pointed out last night that I have been smiling and laughing a whole lot more often since this pregnancy started. He said that he can tell that I am much happier than I was when I wasn't pregnant.

5) My parents have offered to buy a crib for us when they come in a couple of weeks. I am very happy about this, because I was worried. They almost bought us a crib almost two years ago. . . but then we kept saying, let's wait and see when Sam gets to come home with us. I am glad in retrospect that we did not have to dis-assemble a crib in the end.

6) The Pooh cross-stitch that I have been working on is getting closer to completion! Yay! I've been rather obsessively working on it.

7) I am continuing my other "nesting" as well. I am trying to get anything extraneous out of our apartment, so the baby has a little room.

26 Weeks - OB appt

N is doing so well. . . and bouncing on my bladder currently! Today at the OB appt, his heartrate was about 153. Perfect!! My uterus is getting close to my ribs, and I think this is what is messing with my breathing in the last few days. I definitely feel N on my left side, well-above my belly button. This is a new development since last week! The OB thinks he has had a growth spurt. According to the office scale, I have gained four lbs in four weeks. That is perfect.

N kicked right at the doppler probe. I felt it, and the OB asked, "Did you hear that kick?"

I am also a little scared because things seem to be going so well.

I will have another ultrasound in about two weeks.

Almost 26 Weeks into Sub Pregnancy

It is Monday. I will be 26 weeks tomorrow. On Wednesday, I have an OB appointment. I have the orange glucose drink that I am supposed to take before leaving for the appointment. . . it is already time for my one-hour glucose!! It is hard to believe. During the last month, I have been really very busy, and that has been good, actually.

Baby N continues to grow. Despite the anterior placenta, he's big enough now that I feel him move often. Everyone is informing me that I finally "look" pregnant. During the last two nights, N has woken me up with his wiggling, jiggling, kicking and punching. Early this morning, he woke me up at 3 and 4 am, and then again at 6 pm. He's going to have his days and nights mixed up when he's born! N's dad has felt him kick several times, too - including during this morning's 6 am session. I am rather tired today as a result. I may take a nap!

I've still been craving apples, beef and now Trader Joe's Thai Rice Stick noodles. Rice itself is rather a turn off, as is lettuce. These are things I normally like, even desire, so it feels a little odd.

I've been working on the Pook cross stitch "birth announcement" that I started back when Sam was in the hospital. I never got it finished then - I only mostly finished Pooh, but not any more of it. I am getting close to completing it. My mom originally bought the kit. She thinks it would be lovely if I'd use it for this baby. That is the plan!

Sam's 2nd Birthday

Today is Sam's second birthday. I left home for the afternoon. My husband was not able to take today off work like he was able to last year. . . and I didn't want to be at home watching the clock. Sam was born at 3:38 pm central time. I went to a mall, walked, went to B&N to finish up Christmas shopping for my niece and nephew. Outside I realized it must be getting close to the time, and pulled out my cell phone. The time on the phone was exactly 3:38 pm central. I took a deep breath, whispered "I love you, Samnini. Happy birthday."

I then went to a grocery store where I picked up a few things, including a cake mix (one of the rainbow sprinkle kind), to donate to a local food bank drive.

Missing Sam While Now Enjoying My Pregnancy with N

This morning N has been "rocking and rolling" inside me. I ate more apple this morning . . . he seems to love apple. Can he taste it?

Even while I enjoy and even rejoice every time I feel N move, I sometimes miss my little Sam even more. I even find myself wanting to call this baby Sam, and I immediately correct myself. This baby is not Sam. I am feeling so hopeful now, after being so guarded and scared earlier in pregnancy, that we WILL get to bring this baby home. I will admit finally that I have been in full nesting mode already. I want to get our apartment fully prepared for the baby. Right now. I feel like I am living for the moment we will hopefully get to have with this little guy that we never had the opportunity to experience with Sam. Walking in our front door with a baby.

At this point two years ago, I was starting to have a few very irregular contractions (Braxton-Hicks). Sam's second birthday is in less than two weeks. I knew it would start to get harder again on the countdown to his birthday, but it's just a such a mix of emotions entering the third trimester of this pregnancy at the exact same time!

Saturday, Nov 28th

I did not feel N much this morning. I was busy - I had a bell gig. Inwardly, I apologized to N, saying, "Mommy's probably putting you to sleep, baby." He woke up and kicked me hard near the end of the second concert of the day. Maybe he was saying, "That's enough, Mommmy." Perhaps he was asking, "Why aren't you playing more?" (We were between pieces.)

Tonight, N seems to be awake for much of the last hour, or maybe longer. He seemed to like that I ate hamburger for supper and an apple. He's been bouncing on my bladder again, and managed to kick me above my belly button as well as to the left of my bladder. Yay, baby N!

I am exhausted tonight. Tomorrow we hope to decorate for Christmas.

23 Weeks

Not much new to update. . . and yet, it feels like there is so much that goes through my mind. I have been feeling N kicking so much lately. He was awake earlier this afternoon, going to town on my belly button again! Last night at bell rehearsal, he was awake and listening - maybe excited as well! He seems to be a very musical baby so far.

I have been preparing for Thanksgiving. We are having another couple over. Hopefully it will be a lot of fun. We will eat and we will play games. I have been on my cleaning/nesting kick for the last week and a half. . . this works out well for having people over!

N woke up when we listened to Handel

We listened to a CD recording of a Handel piece sung by Kathleen Battle and the trumpet part performed by Winston Marsalis.

When the trumpet part came on, all of a sudden N seemed to wake up (bouncing up and down again on my bladder)! DH is excited because he believes that means that N can definitely hear, and that he likes classical music, and he likes the trumpet. I said that N can definitely play the trumpet some day, because that is definitely a good marching band instrument! DH wants N in a symphony/orchestra. Hopefully, N can participate in both, and make both mom and dad happy!

We have such dreams. . .

Poem that willl go in N's scrapbook

Here is a link to the poem that I will be putting in N's scrapbook very soon (maybe today). It is titled "A Different Child" by Pandora Diane MacMillan. It makes me cry. I love it.

http://webhome.idirect.com/~pandora1sama/diffrent.html

22 Weeks

Today, I have an OB appointment. I am sure she will listen to N's (nini/baby) heart with the doppler. I am excited, because yesterday I was panicky! I only felt him once yesterday morning, and then only last night around 10:30 PM. I do hope he is okay in there. The past several days, except for yesterday, I have felt N kick often, particularly in the afternoon! Yesterday I never felt him in the afternoon and it worried me. Other moms are right. . . subsequent pregnancy is very much a roller coaster! Plus, December and the holidays are coming up. It is very emotional time for me (Sam's birthday, surgery anniversary, ECMO anniversary, one year anniversary of my miscarriage, etc). . . and let's not forget our wedding anniversary!

UPDATE: My appointment went well. N's heartrate was very loud through the doppler, and it was a steady 150, which the OB said was perfectly in the center of "normal". This afternoon after the appointment, N decided to turn a bit, and started poking me around my belly button again. My uterus actually measures above my belly button now, according to the OB. That's why it is finally starting to get incredibly difficult to really bend at the waist. Anyway, yay for N and Mommy!

21 Weeks - 2nd Fetal Echo, Anterior Placenta

(Warning: Lots of exclamation points upcoming. . .)

Second Fetal Echo -- Everything looks perfect so far - structure overall and function great! Excellent!

The baby Nini is about 4 days ahead in growth overall for gestational age, and is estimated at 15 ounces! Almost a pound! That means he's nearly doubled in size in the last two weeks

I've been worried because I haven't been feeling our little Nini moving as much as I felt Sam by this point. When I have felt him, it's been down near my bladder or up by my belly button. That's it.

We found out yesterday that I do have an anterior placenta (out in front), and the tech said that the baby would have to "punch hard through the cushion". So that explains that. He was moving the entire time once again during the ultraound yesterday.

Last night, I wrote the following message to someone who asked how I (not the baby) was doing. Here is what I wrote:

"How am I feeling? Very, very hungry. However, I haven't gained much weight yet. I've gained back the weight I lost in the first 10 weeks of pregnancy and not much more. I am still dealing with my chronic pregnancy-rhinitis and/or allergies to everything outside right now. Some acid reflux, but it's not bad at all. Craving chocolate like crazy, but not craving ice cream as much as I did while pregnant with Sam. The heat really irritates me, and I am even more sensitive to the sun than I usually am when not pregnant. I am so glad our air conditioning was fixed on Monday - the high temp today reached the high 80s. It's been abnormally warm even for Tucson in November. Maybe cooler high temps in a couple of days, which I am so looking forward to. I want to go walking outside without just feeling sick in the heat. I don't really feel nauseous much anymore, except in the heat.

I am allowing myself to actually dream about bringing this baby home with us. I actually got out the baby mp3 player that Sam was actually given for his Christmas in the hospital by a charity or the hospital's Child Life, or both. A Playschool thing where the actually MP3 is plugged into the rest of the player that can be put in a crib and played for the baby. I had never actually "played" with it myself - just waiting for Sam to come home. We'd saved it for a future baby to enjoy, and suddenly I remembered it the other morning, and got it out. I figured out how to load mp3s onto it. That was quite a leap of faith for me, actually. I just felt compelled that it was time."

Another Article/Research Report Concerning SSRIs and CHDs. . . Very Interesting!

http://www.medpagetoday.com/OBGYN/Pregnancy/16154

I found this article quite interesting. I wish more doctors would look into this, and let researchers (money!) to the SSRI and Congenital Heart Defect connection.

*Sigh*

Another possible cause of HLHS. . . not the case for us, but want to share. . .

http://health.msn.com/medications/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100248002

19 weeks - Level 2 Ultrasound

Everything looks good! The baby is perfectly on track for growth for gestational age/estimated due date. The baby weighs approximately 8.5 ounces. All the organs and spine look good! He was moving during the entire ultrasound. He is head down right now, so those kicks I felt yesterday were definitely his feet!

And yes, he is most definitely a boy!

Kicking!!

Today at 5 pm, I felt the baby very clearly kick me just to the left and below of my belly button. Since then I have felt the baby maybe four more times, on the left. I am so excited! Thank you, baby. Mommy's been worrying. . .

Worrying Again

Okay. . . I am worrying again. So much anxiety. Except for that brief kick/tapping almost four weeks ago, I haven't felt the baby kick! I know that on Wednesday, I heard the baby's heartbeat, and heard the baby moving constantly - with the doppler at the OB's office. So, now I am worrying again, because I want some signs the baby is in there and is fine. I want to feel this baby move. I want this baby to kick and shove me from inside. I know that I should not compare this pregnancy, this new baby to Sam. He kicked me hard at 17.5 weeks, and then about every three days thereafter, until he started moving constantly by 23 weeks or so.

I just have to "make it" until Wednesday morning, when I have the Level 2 ultrasound.

Brave Today

I was brave today. I took a deep breath and went in. It was really hard and rather overwhelming.

I went to Babies R Us for the first time in nearly two years.

I have been ignoring baby stores, and even just baby sections of larger stores. However, I am going to a baby shower tomorrow, and I had kept putting off getting something off of a registry. I suppose I could have ordered online, and been done with it. However, I knew that I needed to face my fears and go. So somehow I got in the car and drove there. I was very, very nervous.

Heard Ninibaa's Heartbeat Again Today

One week from today is the "regular" Level 2 Ultrasound. Meanwhile, I had my normal checkup OB checkup today. We listened to the baby through doppler. . . the OB found the baby's heartbeat immediately, and we could hear the baby moving constantly, too! I have been, honestly, worried because I haven't really felt the baby move since that fleeting moment a few weeks ago. Sam "punched" me at 17 1/2 weeks. I haven't really felt this baby punch me yet - and I am 18 weeks today. So, I am feeling a little relieved again.

Relief? 3-Vessel cord and TWO VENTRICLES!

I just need to try to relax a little now!

Okay. . . the sonographer and the ped card were a little dubious about what they'd see, but they managed to see most of the heart to some extent! They were able to see that the baby appears to have both pulmonary artery and aorta - and they appeared to be working correctly on their own sides of the heart - and it appears that the heart has two WHOLE ventricles!! We will be having a following up echo in 4 weeks because the doctor didn't see everything yet that he wanted to see, but said that everything looks good so far, that he could see.

As well, they checked the cord - Sam had a 2-vessel cord. This baby has a 3-vessel cord!!

They measured a few other things, like head and brain as well as abdomen. These were all measuring about three days ahead. Everything looked good. There was even a guess of the sex of the baby. I was kind of thinking girl all along (as well as the chinese gender calender that was the only one right for Sam being a boy), BUT the peri was leaning toward this one being a BOY! He said not to "bank on it" it yet since it is so early. (And this we know from experience, because it was thought at 16 weeks that my niece was a boy, but she wasn't!) So we'll see. . . I have my regular Level 2 coming in three weeks and then the follow up Echo in four weeks.

So. . . so far things look good! The baby was moving the entire time, which made all this rather challenging for the sonographer! The peri in this office even offered me, for the first time ever (no OB has ever said this to me) that if I ever need to come in for a scan to be re-assured, just call him! It was such a relief just to hear that offer!

I'm so glad now that we didn't have to wait until next week! I was sure I was going to go crazy if I had to wait any longer.

Surprise Appointment Tomorrow

I posted on MISS Message Forum a moment ago:

Okay - last night around 6 pm, on my way to handbell rehearsal, I got a phone call for which I didn't recognize the number, except that I thought it was my DH calling from a number at his workplace and not his cell phone as he does work at some of the local hospitals and this number has similar prefixes . . .

No, it was a recording reminding me that I have an appointment at an OBGYN clinic (that is not my usual one) on Wednesday, now tomorrow, at 2 pm! I was rather shocked (I haven't had any really bad "pregnancy brain" yet during this pregnancy, that I know of.) I had no knowledge of this appointment, and I had to pull over and write all of the info down. I called this morning first thing, and it turns out that my OB office had actually probably made an appointment for me with a pediatric cardiologist - NOT the one they actually referred us to at my last OB appt - the appt at which my husband and I were arguing with my OB, who kept saying they wouldn't be willing to do a fetal echo until at least 20 weeks along. She finally gave us a name of a Ped Card, who we promptly called and made an appt with at the earliest they could get me in - next week at 17 1/2 weeks along!

So now I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon at 16 weeks +1or2 days with a different doctor in a different clinic, whom I am sure is excellent, plus they are willing to do this as early as I had wanted in the first place! I am still rather shocked, but thrilled that I don't have to wait until next week! I just hope they can see this little one's heart, and be able to at least tell us if it has both ventricles, and the veins and arteries on the correct sides (Sam also had Double Outlet Right Ventricle).

I don't know if we cancel with the other doctor then for a week from Friday? I guess we'll find out. Wow.

Two Weeks from Today

Two weeks from today, at about 17.5 weeks along, we will be getting a fetal echocardiogram. I am nervous. This baby needs to be well! At least, no major heart defects. Then at 19 weeks, a Level II ultrasound. It still feels like mostly everyone around here is so stubborn about when echoes and level IIs can be done. I don't understand it. In Europe, it seems some of this can be taken care of earlier. Is it Tucson? Is it the US? I don't know, and it's very frustrating. I just don't want to be suddenly at 20 weeks again having to make a horrible decision. Can't any of these medical professionals around here understand that? Apparently not, or maybe they are just not good enough. Very few, including my OB, seem empathetic.

Sigh.

At least I got a compromise on the fetal echo, sort of. My DH talked directly to the pediatric cardiologist and he okay'd the so-called "earlier" echo.

15 Weeks - Maybe felt the baby "kick"?

I will write a longer post soon - about the OB issues we've had, etc, but first I have to post this:

I think I just felt the baby kick! Twice in quick succession, and then it was over.

It definitely was not gas! (I know what gas feels like. . . )

13 Weeks, Nuchel Fold Scan, Blood Test

Here is what I posted to the Subsquent Pregnancy board:

We don't really know the results yet, of course, but I was so nervous going into the ultrasound - worrying that the baby was still there (still alive) - more than anything else! It was such a relief to see the baby again! The baby measured at 12weeks, 6 days, which is fine, since I am 13 weeks based on lmp today. We (DH was with me this time) saw and heard the heart beating again. We still don't know about the actual heart structure yet, but hopefully will in just a few more weeks. The baby's heart rate was between 140 and 160 bpm during the session - which is nice and normal! The baby was moving a lot - and we saw the baby stretch out, and then pull its legs back in (so no guesses for sex for now). We saw both of the legs and feet, and arms and hands. At one point during the measurements, the ultrasound person had to make the baby move its arm because the baby suddenly had it in the way near its face. The baby's profile looks MUCH different than Sam's profile - we could see early on that Sam had my head shape (and my grandpa's!), which my DH adored. DH's first comment was on this - how this baby looks so different already. I think this baby seems to have my husband's profile - and perhaps even DH's nose! (Sam also had my nose.)

I had a small fibroid, which was measured for future monitoring. Is this anything to be concerned about? I have had no spotting or bleeding at all during this pregnancy.

Hopefully all will come back well with the results of this test.

Nearly 13 Weeks

On Tuesday we are getting the NT Scan done. My husband also plans to meet this perinatologist for the first time. He is going to be the one to ask about when we will get a fetal echo done. I am still waiting to hear back from Sam's former doctor, who said that if we were ever back in the Chicago area and expecting to call and come in to get the new baby checked out. I hope they get back to me soon. I will have to call again, otherwise. We will be persistent.

I had not felt very nauseous in the last week, and started eating a more varied diet. I traded nausea for intense sinus-type headaches for nearly a week, and then spent most of yesterday sneezing and my nose running. I don't THINK I have a sinus infection - but I might visit my primary care physician this coming week if this doesn't clear up soon. Today I am somewhat nauseous again.

I have been craving jello lately - and specifically grape. My local Safeway does not carry grape Jello. I had to go to a different store to acquire this desire.

I think I am finally starting to "pop". That said, my pre-pregnancy clothes, including my denim shorts, still fit. I am still about 9 lbs down from where I was pre-pregnancy. However, I just have a little more "pudge". My uterus feels like it has started to "move up" now.

I have been missing Sam more again lately, while remembering my pregnancy with him. The plans for him that I'd envisioned at 12 weeks along, that never came to furition.

Almost 12 Weeks - A little less nausea and started a scrapbook

I have been a lot less nauseous in the last two days, which has been really nice! However, I apparently traded for extreme tiredness. Last night, I just HAD to go to bed really early - and then slept 10 hours! I did get up for the bathroom four times during that 10 hours, but practically collapsed back into bed each time, already almost asleep again.

It is 9:00pm here, and all I want to do is go to sleep already. My husband's response to this a few minutes ago was "It's too early! It's not even 10 pm yet." I think I am going to have to override his objections and go to bed. . .

Still, I think this exhaustion is preferrable to the nausea.

On Friday, I gave in, and made a scrapbook page for the baby's book. We haven't purchased an actual scrapbook to put the pages in, but hopefully will be able to in the next couple of months. I made the page for the 10-week ultrasound pics. It turned out nicely, and I do hope that we will be able to put it in an album soon.

I still have not gained any weight, but I haven't lost any more weight, either. I am still able to wear even my pre-pregnancy denim shorts that were a bit snug before I lost weight, and they are loose on me still right now. I think that I am having the same "problem" I had with Sam - the baby has to get pretty big before it will become at all evident that I am pregnant. I had a relatively long abdomen for my organs to get crammed in, and nice sized hips.

11 Week Update

I am past the 11th week mark . . . we have been thinking about a middle name to go with our choice of a boy's first name. We might not even have to make that decision if we find out the baby is girl. We've had a girl name picked out since before we knew Sam was Sam.

I am still nauceous and vomit-y. I last threw up two days ago, though. I've been waking up with heartburn the past few nights, too, which is strange, because I had relatively little heartburn/acid reflux with Sam.

We're very nervous about the heart, etc. We WANT to know already if his/her heart is fine!

Email That I Just Composed and Sent to author Jodi Picoult

Dear Ms. Picoult,

I am writing today because I have been reading your book Handle with Care. Although I generally like the book for many reasons (including your writing style, etc), I just have to speak up on one 'little' aspect that I have a problem with.

Here is the portion from page 11:
"He's a resident," she said. . . "He doesn't know the way to the cafeteria yet, much less the protocol for talking to a mother who's just watched her baby suffer a full cardiac arrest in front of her eyes."

This pushes on and on the idea that some people have that Residents are quite useless and not ever good enough. Granted, this MAY be true in a percentage of cases, but not true in ALL cases! I take a bit of offense to this from two directions:

1) As the mother of a little baby boy who is now an angel, I learned how to deal with all of the doctors from interns to the most senior attending in our son's case. I found that the majority of the Residents and Fellows - if they didn't know an answer to a question (and we asked lots, and often) - were generally willing to work/ask to find a reasonable answer to our questions. Our son was born with multiple heart, vein, and lung defects (and we did know about the main heart defect at the 20 week ultrasound, but we opted to continue the pregnancy, hoping that multiple heart surgeries would allow him to live a good life - we did not know about all of the other problems until after well after he was born, and could not get off of the ventilator.). We lived with him in the hospital for nearly four months after he was born, and were there with him when he died.

2) My husband started his own medical Residency a mere three months after our son died. He is one Resident who does in fact know what it's like to watch his own baby in cardiac arrest - more than once, too - and to watch his baby die. This experience has changed greatly how, as a doctor, he responds to patients, and to the family and friends of patients of all ages - because he has been there, on the other side.

Thank you for allowing me to email you with my concerns and defense of some Resident doctors. Yes, they are still learning, but people need to keep in mind that some of them do have life experiences of their own, and might actually know some things. . .

Thanks,

Heartbeat at 10 weeks

Two days ago, I had a quick "dating" ultrasound, at about 10 weeks along. The baby was the right size for gestational age for LMP, and most importantly, I saw the heart beating! I also heard the heart beat. In fact, I recorded it on my digital camera as video, since my husband couldn't be at the appointment. I cried.

We still don't know, of course, though, if the baby is heart-healthy. The baby's heart rate was 194 bpm - I worried that was too fast, but it's not, for that gestational age. I don't think Sam's heartrate was that high at that age, but I don't remember if they even told us Sam's heartrate at the 10 weeks ultrasound! It's not printed on his ultrasound pictures, either. So. . . we'll just have to wait.

I am still all-day sick. I am at least 10 lbs down from where I was 2 months ago. I do not really have a baby belly yet, and my clothes are all loose on me!

9 Weeks

1)I have had a cold (I think), and was miserable for two days. I took nothing for it - not even regular acetaminophen.

2) Even with all the sneezing, etc, still nearly constantly nauseous. This morning as I type this, I am lying on my side and chewing gum - and still fighting the urge to vomit imminently.

3) Night after night lately, I've been sleeping for hours on end. No waking up from weird dreams, nothing. Then this last night, I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open, but I couldn't fully sleep either. In the middle of the night I was panicking because I had some insomnia the night before I started miscarrying in December. I finally got up around 4 am, got online, found that 78% of pregnant women experience periods of insomnia. That helped to relieve me a bit, and I also figured out I was too hot most of the night, too, as my husband had re-set the thermostat after I had already gone to bed! (He thought it was too cold! The colder it is the better I sleep.) Anyway, I am also relieved that I am still nauseous, too.

4) According to some of the pregnancy development sites, given that this is my second pregnancy (third, but second to get this far), I should be popping a belly already! No, my clothes still fit extremely nicely given that I am still down several pounds from pre-pregnancy. I am occasionally very bloated, which is very normal, but nothing to change the way my clothes fit.

5) My next OB appt is on Tuesday, and my first ultrasound is on Thursday next week.

6) I was getting frustrated by being told no, no fetal echo until 18 weeks. I have argued that I know it can be done earlier - at least to detect HLHS! They can detect HLHS as early as 12 weeks in Europe!! So I looked up Sam's team's website - and yes, they do offer fetal echoes for as early as 15 weeks along w/history of CHD. http://www.thic.com/fetalechocard.htm My dear husband asked today at the local hospital where he works, and they are willing to do a fetal echo at 16 weeks. This is fine - this is all I was asking for. They do need a referral from my OB, however. I'll get one, one way or another.

7) Still craving potatoes.

Potatoes

I am craving potatoes. . . and specifically, mashed potatoes. That's okay, for right now. As of yesterday, I'd lost a few more pounds, due to my general inability to eat lately. I never really craved potatoes with Samnini. I kept my mashed potatoes down last night, and I just had a whole bunch a few minutes ago. Maybe my body needs the nutrients contained in potatoes. Also, for me, it's also the texture and the comfort food aspect. (I am also craving pizza with wheat-containing crust, tomato sauce, cheese, and pepperoni - all things I am allergic to!)

And so it continues. . .

Since I last posted, I have actually thrown up a number of times, including dry-heaving. It has not been pleasant. I've officially thrown up more times now during this pregnancy than I ever did during my pregnancy with Sam.

I've made it through part of the training for my new job, which I am pleased about. I felt queasy most of the time, but I made it.

My breasts are very sore and full. I can still wear my same bras, but just barely.

I am not convinced that vitamin B-6 really helps the nausea.

I hope that all of this nausea means the baby is healthy. . .

A Description of "morning" sickness. . .

As a child and even now as an adult, I loved the Little House books. I must admit that I did not like The First Four Years for many years. However, that has changed. I think more portions of is are more appreciated by an adult than an 8 or 9 year old child. In it, Laura remembers that her mother always said, "They that dance must pay the fiddler" (page 45). I never really understood this when I was a kid. Something else that I still don't understand is why they did not name their precious baby boy who died. He deserved a name even if he was apparently sickly at birth. I know, I know. . . thinking was different back then. . . but still.

Here is a quote from Laura's pregnancy with Rose:

"Watching the plump wheat kernels slide into the open mouth of the sack made Laura dizzy. If she took her eyes from them, they were drawn irresistibly to the newspapers pasted on the shanty walls and she read the words over and over. She was unreasonably annoyed because some of them were bottom side up but she read them anyway. She couldn't take her eyes from them. Words! Words! The world was full of words and sliding wheat kernels!

And then she heard Manly saying, "Sit down a minute! You're tired."

So she sat down, but she was not tired. She was sick. The next morning she felt much worse and Manly got his own breakfast.

For days she fainted whenever she left her bed. The doctor told her to lie quietly. He assured her she would feel much better before long and that in a few months, nine to be exact, she would be quite all right. Laura was going to have a baby." (Pages 45-6)

Interesting Report/Article on Morning Sickness

So, I found a report on Baby Center about how mothers who had morning sickness had babies that are smarter than babies whose mothers did not experience morning sickness. This research was reported in Journal of Pediatrics, and apparently the research took place with the Motherisk Program at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto . . . I'll have my husband look it up on his medical database. In the meantime, this report also says "Pregnant women who have morning sickness are less likely to have a miscarriage and less likely to have babies with congenital cardiovascular problems."

Yeah, right. I had major all-day sickness with Sam (although it started a little later than it did for my current pregnancy, and maybe wasn't quite as bad as what I am experiencing right now - I thought it was bad at the time). . . and I would say that Sam had some major congenital cardiovascular problems!!

(I have no idea why the link will not show up! I've tried something like eight times!)

http://www.babycenter.com/204_morning-sickness-linked-to-smarter-babies_10312743.bc

Found gluten-free pregnancy blogs. . .

I just found a gluten-free pregnancy blog, that so far I find quite interesting. She even presents the idea of adding pureed fruit or vegetables to Trader Joes' Gluten-Free Brownie Mix (which I've tried once and loved. . . I could definitely add sweet potato, etc, to that brownie mix. I already add it to the pancake mix!)

http://glutenfreepregnancy.blogspot.com/

At least I don't have to run into the "saltine advice" on this blog. . . oof, when I actually did eat saltines during my pregnancy with Sam, I threw them up. Since then, I had trouble even looking at them again (and for most of my life, I refused to eat soup without saltines. . . not a problem, anymore.) Now that it has been shown that I am allergic to wheat (and oats), and trying to maintain a gluten-free diet, this website looks quite helpful . . . except for the entry on eating banana! I am also allergic to bananas, so that suggestion is rather unhelpful. Ah, well, the rest is decent!

One potential issue about this blog is that it does not appear to have been updated in at least a year.

I also found out that Shauna James Ahern who wrote Gluten-Free Girl was pregnant last year, and here is a link to a very long post:
http://glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com/2008/07/gluten-free-pregnancy.html

Nicknames

When I was first pregnant with who turned out to be Sam, I started calling the tiny being growing inside of me "Niniboof". 'Nini' (pronounced NEE-NEE, not "ninny" or NII-nee)is a Persian term for 'baby'. Boof is a childish, perhaps silly, term for rice in persian. My husband kept saying at the time very early in pregnancy that the baby wasn't much bigger than a grain of rice, and then Niniboof just popped into mind. Later into pregnancy, when we'd figured out Sam's name, we started calling him Samnini.

So, we've already decided on a nickname for this little one. "Ninibaa" is our choice this time around. Baa - for a little lamb. In Persian, a term for lamb is "baa-by-ee".

So as I am writing this, I am waiting for my backup data to load back onto my laptop (I had to completely wipe the whole drive -- it had problems.) I am also resisting the urger to run to the bathroom to throw up. All-day sickness continues!

Scrapbooking. . . . Part 1

Today as I walked on the treadmill in the fitness room (before my "afternoon" sickness set in), I allowed myself to think about starting a scrapbook already for this baby. I know that I am only maybe about 6 weeks along, but it made me excited. For Sam, my dear husband and I picked out a scrapbook together one night at the scrapbook store. Since by then we didn't know how long we'd have with Sam, I started putting everything in it. . . even a page where I creative wrote down most of the titles of music Sam heard in utero - in the car, on the radio, when my dear husband played the piano, at a concert we went to, etc. Today as I listened to music while exercising I dreamed of doing this again. Some of the songs that I have already exposed the baby to, although the baby cannot hear yet, may not be appropriate to mention to the baby when the baby becomes a preschooler, such as the All-American Rejects song "(I hope my face)Gives You H*LL". He or she might think that is funny (or maybe rather lame) later, but not really appropriate fare for a four-year old.

If this baby could hear yet, he or she would have already heard quite a variety of bell music (and will hear it close up again in the near future), piano music of various kinds (but mostly classical, as that is what my dear husband mostly plays), persian music (there is a cd for kids I like, and then music by Axiom of Choice), and then The Beatles, Regina Spektor, Enya, Weird Al, Pink Floyd, and various rock and pop songs from over the years. If I get my flute fixed, the baby will hear whatever I feel like playing, for the most part.

When do I start writing the names of songs down for the baby? Is now too soon? Do I wait? I know my husband wants me to wait until we're sure this baby is viable, even though we already love the idea of him or her. My husband has even started talking to the baby, even though said baby is barely the size of a baby pea! This is making me hopeful that everything will go reasonably well in the long run. My uterus is also apparently the size of a plum currently.

Woozy. . .

All-day sickness today. I wanted to go do a light workout, but I am feeling so sick right now. . . to the point I am gagging. That's where I lost out on a lot of workouts with my pregnancy with Sam. . . feeling just too sick.

12 days of Afternoon/Evening Sickness and more items of discussion

Today was the 12th day of 'afternoon' sickness. I was gagging tonight, quite suddenly, over the kitchen sink after feeling generally queasy since about 1 pm. That is how it has been for 12 days now. My DH went and bought me a bottle of ginger ale, finally! I kept saying, since my pregnancy with Sam when I had all-day sickness, when I survived the entire first trimester on ginger ale, that with future pregnancies I would refuse to give in to pop/sugar/high fructose corn syrup/caramel coloring. It was such a relief to be able to drink ginger ale tonight!

Still, I am thrilled that I am having afternoon/all day sickness - it means to me that I know that I am still pregnant. In December, my sickness stopped completely, entirely, a few hours before I started spotting with my miscarriage. So I am trying to embrace my afternoon sickness and even enjoy it to some extent.

Okay, off to bed soon. I took a nap this afternoon, but I am still tired. The problem is that lately I will go to sleep cold (on purpose. . . lovely air conditioning. . .) and then wake up later, even minutes later, explodingly hot and sweaty.

One more thing, I joined a pregnancy message board connected to a TTC board I've been on occaisonally, and I sounded off on someone who was on Effexor (not quite an SSRI, but similar - works a little differently) for depression/anxiety at the time of her conception. She went off cold turkey after she found out she was pregnant. I basically told her that it could be too late for her baby's heart, and other early organs (if in fact, Sam's defects were caused in part by my being on fluoxetine - his HLHS occurred the moment his heart was formed). I hope I didn't scare her too much. It sounded like she needed the med. I do hope her baby is okay.

I think that this new baby's heart has probably formed already. I've starting talking to the baby, telling it that we love it already, and really hope that she/he can come home with us.

Trying not to panic. . .

Yes, two VERY positive home pregnancy tests -- the test line was darker than the control line in the matter of 5 seconds. This makes me feel somewhat hopeful, but I am also scared and trying not to panic.

So scared. . . I am scared that every time I hear something that happens to another baby, another child, will happen to us. Again. The reason why I remember this is that early in my pregnancy with Sam, I saw an Extreme Home Makeover episode focused around a girl who'd had lots of surgery and problems due to her congenital heart defects. So now, just in the last two days, I've heard of two little kids locally who drowned in their grandparents' backyard pool. So now I am freaking out that someday I will have a child who will drown (although, I plan to teach my children as young as possible swimming and water survival skills). It's just very scary.

I am excited, but trying so hard not to be excited. . . because SO MANY things can happen between now and when this baby is due.

:)

:) :) :)

The online Magic Eight Ball was right. . . :)

Relaxing?

I don't know if I mentioned on this blog previously. . . but on the advice of the OB, I know approximately when I ovulate, even though it varies by nearly a week depending on the cycle, I have discontinued BBTing and OPKs. I am okay with this, surprisingly. I am actually relieved. She also said exercising (just don't train to run a marathon)is fine, as is eating peas, as far as she is concerned.

So -

1) I have been doing a couple of miles on the treadmill in the apartment complex fitness room about 4-5 times a week in the last two weeks.

2) Working out with weights again.

I have lost no weight yet, though, which is frustrating.

I think I am already more relaxed. I also think I am may be getting ready to ovulate again, looking at CM. My husband and I are just having romantic interludes every two days or so. It's been more fun! Less pressured!

Pediatric Chaplain who visited Sam and us and Music

I just remembered (again) how the Pediatric Chaplain came around to see us when we were in Sam's room with him. Her name is Rev. Janet, and she is the one who worked it out with hospital security that my husband would be permitted to play the lobby piano after 10 pm (and visiting hours were over). We stayed in a local hotel, across the street from the hospital (they were just in the process of building a Ronald McDonald House), and my husband missed his piano. The staff did rounds and/or staff changes at 10 pm, and parents were supposed to leave for about an hour if possible. So that is when we went down to the lobby. My husband practiced usually some classical pieces. (He's played/studied the piano since he was a kid, as did I, but he is five times better than I've ever been. . . ) I would usually read, and sometimes write an entry in one of my book blogs. My husband's piano playing has always been soothing to me, calming. When I was pregnant with Sam, his playing would calm both of us down. Sam loving his dad's piano playing in utero. . . I would sit right next to the piano so that he would hear it. (I apologize if I have previously written about this. . .)

Anyway, we both really appreciated that my husband had this opportunity to play the piano. The only regret is that Sam never got to hear his dad play the piano after he was born. Sam died just before the little portable keyboard we'd ordered arrived. We still have it. My husband will be bringing it to the hospital we have another baby someday, and play for that baby right away.

Psychic Reading

I sent my picture to be read with my question about future children to this website:
http://www.readmypic.com

Here is what "Ms. Lisa M" said she saw of the picture of me:

"I’m terribly sorry for your loss, and for the sadness and doubt you’re feeling. But all is not lost. The stress of all you have been through has taken a toll on you and is limiting you from conceiving. I also feel that resulting in "missed ovulation". Where you seem to be ovulating every other month. There is some great news approaching and I don’t know if you conceive in September or that is when you get the news, but it is showing happiness, joy, elation and success for you in the early fall months. What is needed is for you to relax and know that the universe does hear you and your desire and your wishes. It will answered, and it will be successful. Your next pregnancy is successful, and does result in the birth of a lovely child. So relax, take comfort in knowing that you need not try so hard. Let your body do its job, and your job is to heal and to take care of yourself. Great blessings and sending you an abundance of love! Lisa"

To find more of Sam's story. . .

Please look in January and February to find more posts about Sam's story. Feel free to contact me if you are "new" to HLHS. Also, I have tried to tag the majority of the posts in which I discuss Sam's story and/or HLHS. . . and the tags are listed long the side menu of my blog. Thank you!

"I Want to Hold Your Hand"

Right now, this minute, I am listening to the Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand". This is the first time, on purpose. . . since the morning Sam died. When I was holding Sam as he passed and after, the song that got stuck in my mind is this one. I held my Samnini in my arms and sang it to him, fondling his hands, his fingers. . . free of the wires and tubes. I wanted to sing it as his funeral, but my mom talked me out of it. We sang "You Are My Sunshine" instead, because it was the song, besides "Here Come the Sun", that I usually sang to Sam while he was alive.

I've had a Beatles' 45 of this song, with "I Saw Her Standing There" on the other side, for 11 years. . . my grandmother gave it and a few other 45s to me. My grandparents had had a bunch of 45s since the '60s. I haven't collected 45s, however, because for years I did not have have a thing to go down over the record player spindle. The record player I currently own I got at a yard sale for $4 seven years ago. . . and just notived today that in the lid, one side did not look like the other. . . and pulled. It was a 'spindle-thingy'!! Finally I could play 45s!! Why now did I notice? Was it because I got out the record player to play the Thriller album in memorial for Michael Jackson (and MJ's heyday of the 1980s - when I was a kid)? That's when I noticed. So now, I have played "I Want to Hold Your Hand" twice. It all feels cathartic.

"And when I touch you,
I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide,
I can't hide."
- The Beatles (Of course!)

PS -- I have loved the Beatles since I was little, and loved singing the Beatles to Samnini. It was all I dreamed of for years. . . having a baby and sharing the Beatles the baby.

Another Interesting Dream

I had a very interesting clear dream early this morning.

I dreamed that my husband and I were taking turns holding a beautiful and prococious baby girl. . . we'd adopted her! I was so excited in the dream to have a baby. She snuggled against my neck and sighed in contentment.

List of Recommended Reads

I just added a link to my LibraryThing account on the side right bar. . . there is a brief list of books I have found helpful in the last year or so. I highly recommend them.

Another TTC cycle is a bust. . . .

Okay. . . yes, I ovulated a day or two earlier this past cycle. . . but WTH?? My period started nearly three days earlier than I expected. . . after an 11-day luteal phase. My cycle was 28 days long!! My shortest ever without being on birth control! I don't understand what is happening at all. Sept-Nov 2008 - 41 days long, December - miscarriage, January - 32 days long, February 40 days long, March - 31 days long, April/May - 42 days long, May/June - 28 days long. What is up with this? This past cycle I used OPKs and we timed our babydancing correctly. . . or so we thought!

A good friend of mine who is a nurse suggests that it is time to go see my doctor and get tests. I think I am going to call. I hate calling to make appointments. I wish they would offer online appointment making. . .

-----
From one of my favorite musicals, and makes me think of my little Samnini. . .

"Come to my garden,
Nestled in the hills.
There I'll keep you safe beside me.

Come to my garden.
Rest there in my arms.
There I'll see you
Safely grown and on your way.

Stay there in the garden,
Where love grows free and wild.
Come to my garden.
Come, sweet child."
- From "The Secret Garden" (the musical)

"I have lost you
and now I've found you
Let me feel your heart
let me hear your song."

- Julian Lennon, "Cole's Song"

Sam's half birthday today and TTC

It's the 10th of June, and Sam would be 18 months old today. That would be so much fun. He'd be getting into absolutely everthing and probably talking up a storm.

*Sigh*

So . . . once again, I am almost a week beyond ovulation. My last cycle was 42 days long, and I don't think i ovulated until day 23 or beyond. This cycle, I used OPKs for the first time, and, I have had other things to think about at the same time. Fertility Friend thinks I ovulated on CD17!!! The would be rather "early", but I got my strongest, definite positive OPK on CD16, and a just positive OPK on CD17 - and CD17 is when my BBT started a slow swing upwards, which is what happened the cycle I conceived Samnini. I am trying not to get excited about and just be a bit optimistic.

Something different, too, is that I am exercising every few days, even during this luteal phase, instead of sitting on my butt doing nothing. I was active during pregnancy and before with Samnini, so I shouldn't worry too much about jiggling the eggs/blasts. . . .

One week into new cycle

Okay, I am in my fifth cycle since my miscarriage. After a 42 day cycle, I am hoping that this one will be a bit shorter. As well, I purchased OPKs, which I'll wait to start for at least another six days or so. Otherwise, I feel that I have been worrying TOO MUCH about getting pregnant. I know that it will happen when I am not paying so much attention. I just don't know how to distract myself from thinking about it all the time. I am trying to get back into some moderate exercise, which is helping a bit.

I wrote a poem last night. It's not good, and it has not gone through rigorous editing. I retain all rights to it. It expresses what both my husband and me have been feeling: It's not fair.



It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair
It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not. . . .
What do I do now?
I want a healthy baby here in my arms. It seems
Like everyone else has one. Or two. Or three.
It’s not fair it’s not fair . . . always running
Through my mind.
It’s not fair. My son, my Sam should be here
Toddling ing around getting into things talking and
I’d be the only one who’d understand him at
At 18 months old . . . it’s not fair. . . he should be
Learning to swim and learning to run, looking at books
And begging to be read to. . . it’s not fair. . . he should be
Here
With us
Playing toddler games with his mommy and daddy.
It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair its not fair
I should be starting a third trimester to welcome
Sam’s baby sibling into the world soon.
It’s not fair. . . miscarriage ended that dream. We miss
You dream baby. It’s not fair. . . it’s not fair that we watch
Friends and family bring new babies, healthy babies into
The world and we don’t get to keep one. . . please
Let us have a baby that we can bring home and raise.
We’re loving, we’re ready. . .
It’s just NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What helped/didn't help in our experience with Sam

This is a post I just made in response to a question on the MISS forum about what helped and didn't help when our baby died:

"In my case, my Sam was not born still (although we'd been told that might happen because of his heart, etc - that wasn't the case though. . . he thrived in utero), but here are some of my thoughts:

1) I loved when the hospital put his footprints on a hat for me right away when he was born.

2) When Sam died, I loved that his nurses offerred to make molds of his hands. They only had enough for his hands and not his feet, but because we had his footprints, I was surprisingly okay with that. They also prepared a memory box for us. . . in which they put a lock of Sam's hair (he had lots of it!), and the last little outfit he wore.

3) While Sam was alive, he never got to leave the hospital. Because of the vent, the nurses didn't like to dress him over his head. . . we found a kimono style side close outfit and were very proud of ourselves. This was put on him regularly. . . and then one day he was sent for a procedure, and the nurse didn't undress him before taking him down. They CUT off the outfit!! It was in shreds. When I heard that, I went ballistic! Sam's doctor yelled at me for crying hysterically about this. I had to try to explain how symbollic this particular thing was. I already intrinsically knew he were never be coming home, that I would never get to dress him in as many cute outfits as I wanted to. It still makes me cry to think of this particular event. I know that I "should be happy" that I got that time with Sam alive, but even still . . .

4) When Sam died, I did not like or even really appreciate that people sent us "dead flowers" (cut/arranged). I did appreciate those who got the message, and gave us live/living plants (our favorite was the Peace Plant). We still have these, and I do my best to keep them alive, too.

5) What was not helpful was looking for a in-person support group. We tried one, where my husband and I were the only ones there. The second one that we were referred to was almost all parents of babies born still or babies who died very shortly after birth. Frankly, people were jealous we got to hold Sam alive. Then we moved to another state. The only in-person support groups I've found locally are either pregnancy loss/born still groups, or Compassionate Friends, and when I talked to one of the leaders, she said her child was the youngest death in the group at 2+ years old. She said we could come, but we probably wouldn't fit in. This is all why MISS online IS my support group at this time. It's been very upsetting that we just don't "fit in" anywhere! Very frustrating. . .

6) Insurance issues. . . we "pre-registered" at the hospital I had Sam in, and we gave them both my insurance info and my husband's secondary insurance info. When I went in to have Sam, they said they didn't have any of our information, and refused to take my husband's at that point. It became a huge mess in the long run. . . which we were still dealing with a little as a month ago (with a couple of bills, still) . . . one year after Sam died. We THINK it's finally all taken care, fingers crossed!

7) Sam's surgeon completely ignored us right after Sam died, but we were still on the unit, and he was there on rounds. Most of the other doctors and some of the nurses came in to express their condolences, etc, but the surgeon would not even look our way. We noticed. My husband was very angry about this, actually.


I probably have more thoughts. . . but these are the major things for now. "

Cycle Day 41. . .

All I want to do is get pregnant and then have a relatively healthy baby. Is that so hard?

Apparently so.

I am STILL on my fourth cycle of trying to conceive since my miscarriage in December. For three cycles, I ovulated around day 18 of my cycle. I had a really long (20 day) luteal phase in February, during which I was very hopeful. This cycle, I THINK I ovulated on day 23 of my cycle, which makes me 18 dpo today. BFN on FRER this morning on SMU. No sign at all of my period. My husband is now actually more hopeful than me that I could be pregnant, because he thinks getting to Day 41 without a period showing is way too long. . . and he, who is usually a doubting medical professional, admitted that sometimes it takes a long time for the hormones to show up in some women. So maybe there is still a chance. In the meantime, I've been having lightheadedness off and on for a number of days now.

I am getting a little frustrated. . . I either want to know I am pregnant or to get my period so that we can move on a try again. I would rather find out that I am pregnant, of course.

Mother's Day, near the end of another luteal phase, and a dream 12 days ago

Okay, I made it through Mother's Day. Sam would have been 17 months old exactly (yesterday, on Mother's Day). A few friends in real life, and online, remembered me, and let me know they were thinking of me. It was so nice, and so, so appreciated.

It was hard, though, the week coming up to Mother's Day. . . two friends (in other states) had their babies: one, a girl, the second child, and two, a boy, their first. They both posted pictures on FB, and though I wanted to see, I was so incredibly jealous, envious . . . especially of the cute little boy. Why did they get to keep their cute little boy, and we didn't?? Why did they get to hold their little boy right away, and we couldn't because of the breathing tube? It's not fair. . .

So. . . I wasn't sure for a while when I ovulated this cycle. It wasn't on Day 18 like my previous three cycles (when I didn't conceive). Finally my BBTs started going up on Day 24, so, Fertility Friend thinks that I ovulated on Day 23. I mostly concur with that opinion based my mucus.

The morning of Day 24, before I took my temperature (So I still was not aware I'd most likely ovulated in the past 24 hours), I had a VERY vivid dream. I wrote it down when I woke up, in great detail. I dreamed that I had just had a baby and I was very consious, too. In my dream, I had a constant stream of thoughts - such as, "Wow, that pregnancy was so quick!" - and then thinking about how I would phrase my Facebook status announcement about the baby! Then I told my husband to go home and get my laptop and a webcam, so that we could get his parents (who live half a world away) online so they could see the baby immediately! Then I had a precious baby girl in my arms. I was overjoyed in my dream that she was able to latch on and breastfeed immediately. She had dark hair like Sam, but she looked like herself, and maybe even had my eyes (Sam had his dad's eyes). I didn't want to even let her go, even to let my mother hold her (my mom was never permitted to hold Sam - I only got to hold Sam once before he died - the nurses were so afraid of Sam's vent becoming dislodged - I should have been more insistent). My niece was also there in the dream. She never got to meet Sam in person, which is what she wanted most in the world. She was 8, and she'd been waiting for our baby for a long time. She was too young to be permitted up in that section of the hospital. In my dream, I eagerly introduced her to her new little cousin.

It was such a sweet, sweet dream.

I did not remember, though, exactly which day I had the dream, and two days ago, when I was having some very light cramping (which I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Sam), I remembered my dream again, and went back and checked the date of the dream in my journal. . . I had that dream within 24 hours of probable ovulation. Was this a sign? A message? I do hope so. . .

Otherwise I am not having many "symptoms" during this luteal phase. . . with the exception of some lightheadedness and some very light cramping.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep. It's almost 2 am here, and I am up online, after tosing and turning in bed for almost two hours straight.

This past evening, I just learned that a new acquaintance has a child. . . a 16-month old daughter. Though it would have been even harder to hear that he is a boy, it was hard enough to hear 16 months. That would be my little Samnini's age now. I haven't really been thinking about his age again too much lately, which has been rather nice in a way. . . to take take a break. Luckily she started talking to someone else, so I could just drift away from the conversation, and have some alone time. It just kind of hit me like a brick, to use the cliche.

We've been Baby Dancing this week (the plan is every two days until I am sure I have ovulated). My husband and I talked about this plan since my last cycle didn't pan out - given that I was out of town a month ago! I am trying to be hopeful, and not stress out too much.

I really would have liked to have been pregnant again by now also because my best friend from college just announced she was pregnant with her second. . . and she also really hoped that I would be pregnant two, so we could tell each other at the same time. It WOULD have been so much fun . . .

http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/birthdefects/risk/risk-HLHS.shtm

Above is a link to an overview of the medical literature about risk of HLHS. One interesting thing is that it points out that one study found a higher rate of HLHS in eastern Wisconsin than in any other part of the state. Sam was not born or conceived in eastern Wisconsin, but I, his mother, was.

An Attack of Jealousy

Last year, at this time, one week beyond Sam's passing, I really thought I would be pregnant again already. Granted, I was, but my "dream baby" didn't stay long. And then I really thought that I would have conceived AGAIN by now.

Really --- the first two times we really tried, we concieved. Now, January, February, and March have gone by. No pregnancy for us. For ME.

I have been really missing my beautiful Samnini again today. I am also have an attack of jealousy for those who are pregnant.

I am trying to be patient and gentle with myself, but I am finding difficult.

This mont we are really going to try hard. I might even buy OPKs (although I had some the month I conceived Sam, but they never really told me when I actually ovulated. . .)

Marley & Me (Something I posted on a forum earlier. . .)

I just posted the following as a part of a thread on Marley & Me . . .

I have quite a connection to Marley and Me. I was listened to the audio book on CD of the book Marley and Me back in August 2007 (in my car on the way to and from work), started listening to it a few days before our 20 week ultrasound with Sam. Up until then, my pregnancy had been wonderful. I even listened to the part about their first pregnancy. . . and I thought, "Whew, we're past that point. I can feel our baby move." I was excited about our 20 week ultrasound, and that's when Sam's heart was discovered. I finished listening to Marley and Me after that day, and just sobbed again when Marley died (because I have taken a much loved dog in to be put to sleep, which is pretty difficult to handle, too).

We went to see the movie this past Christmas day when it came out. I insisted (my husband wasn't sure he'd like it; he did), and I hoped that they would not cut out her first baby loss. They didn't. What they did cut out was the difficulty of her next two pregnancies, with bed rest, etc. I was sobbing through most of the movie, and I knew I would even weeks before when I learned it was coming out. Also it was hard because I was spotting quite a bit. . . . . we should have probably gone to the ER that afternoon instead of the movie, instead of me stubbornly clinging to the idea that I was just going to have a pregnancy with spotting and more complications.

I loved the movie, though. The "commercials" for the movie don't do it justice. I feel superstitious though, in TTC again, about watching it again right now personally. Later, I do indeed want to see it again.

A video of Sam from Jan 10, 2008, when he looked the most well, in honor of the one-year anniversary of his death

Sam passed away last year on April 3, 2008 at about 3:OO am, and I wanted to post a video of him. Here it is.

I recorded this because it was one of the first times Sam was awake and alert, and relatively un-drugged. His dad was also out of town for interviews, and I posted this privately online for him to enjoy. The person talking in the video is Sam's grandpa who was visiting. This is my favorite video clip of Sam.

(Please do not use this video without my permission for any means.)

Time, Waiting for the Anniversary of Sam's Death (April 3, 2008)

Here is what I posted to an HLHS Loss group earlier tonight:

The first anniversary of my Sam's death is just hours away. It will be at 3 am central time. For weeks now, I've told myself I am not going to fall in to the "time" trap . . . that I wasn't going to mark every minute as this day approched. But, I have been, and I think I've been marking time with events all along. (I've even started thinking on the two year mark now - I conceived Sam two years ago last week, etc.) So, a day or two ago, I remember thinking, it was one year ago that had the catheterization through his liver that made him have the slow internal bleedout. Last night (April 1st), it was the last time we gave him his bed bath (in the hospital, since he never left). Today (April 2), I keep thinking, okay, it was this time last year that we met with the geneticist at 10 am. It was at 2 pm last year that I had made it to work (I had gone back part-time after it looked like Sam would not be leaving the hospital anytime soon, after my c-section recovery/7weeks of maternity leave), but I didn't want to be there. I had a "feeling", "intuition", that something was going to happen, and I kept checking to make sure my cell phone had power and carried it on my person at all times while at work because I felt like something was going to happen. I should have listened to my intuiation and left work and spent the time with my little Sam. At this exact moment last year (in Central time), I had left work, and arrived back at the hospital, where Sam's numbers were getting a little scary, and they had figured out that he needed blood, so he was getting infused, but they still hadn't found the leak yet.

So, I keep thinking this way, replaying everything. I can't stop myself.

Some thoughts

1) I am 12 dpo today. My bbt went up rather than down today. This is an interesting sign, knock-0n-wood, because usually my bbt starts dropping on 12 dpo if I am going to get my period. My breasts felt like they were being attacked yesterday for hours on end. I do get breast and nipple soreness during pms, but NEVER this bad. I have also been more tired than normal. (This is exactly what happened at the beginning of pregnancy with Sam. Maybe it's wishful thinking, too.)

2) We are still getting bills that neither of Sam's insurance policies are willing to pay for. My/his primary insurance paid most his bills, but suddenly more than a year later, his secondary health insurance (through my husband's job) has decided that they will not cover some of it even though Sam's policy went into effect the day he was born. Now they are claiming that it didn't go into effect until Sam was 6 weeks old! So. . . this is an ongoing issue that I thought was behind us!

3) Almost two years ago, near the beginning of pregnancy with Sam, before we knew of any of his problems, I talked with two close friends who tried to convince me not to find out the sex of the baby until he (or she) was born. Even then I knew I wanted to find out the sex of the baby via ultrasound. This was the thing that was top-most in my mind. (This is probably the case for many pregnant mothers who have "pregnancy innocence".) I even noted this conversation with friends in my (hand-written, private) journal. My reasoning was the I 'needed to know', that it would help me bond with the baby. They argued that there is no greater surprise than finding out when the baby comes out.

What I learned later that year, and realized again today, that the sex of a baby can be a surprise, but it really is NOT the biggest surprise. No, the biggest, and best, surprise is/would be to find our your baby is completely healthy. This the most important surprise.

Gluten and BBT

A link with some information on gluten senisitivity and the relation to miscarriages and birth defects: http://members.cox.net/harold.kraus/gluten/anno_symptoms_files/birth.htm

I found this site last year as I was incessantly trying to figure out why our Sam was born with all of his defects. However, I still think it was more likely the low dose of generic prozac I was on. Now, I wonder if my miscarriage in December could have been related to my recently discovered "mild" allery to wheat and oats. It's something to consider. Well, I am not eating much if any wheat, oats or gluten now. I might have eaten a small amount on Sunday, but if so, a very small amount. (Maybe I didn't mention that my new primary care physician sent off for a blood test a couple of weeks ago to check for 26 of the most likely food allergies. Well, I am still allergic to peanuts and show mild allergies to wheat, oats, egg whites, tomatoes and carrots!!)

As I type this, I am having small, slight pain on my right side, near my ovaries. It's not gas. I have gas pain, too, for the first time since I started cutting out my allergen foods. I am 5 or 6 dpo. I had a huge tempature dip yesterday (1.1 degrees F), and came back up above my coverline today. This is a good thing. Fertility Friend thinks I've ovulated already, still, although yesterday it changed its "mind" as my BBT dropped lower than it has the entire cycle! . . .Way below my cover line. Take a look here: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19bcba
As of today's temp, it thinks I ovulated now again around Saturday (although I think it was really Friday evening, based on other signs).

Samyar's Story, Part 3

Sam also had a 2-vessel cord, which apparently made some of the medical professionals think that Sam might be born early or might even be born still. I never believed that, and neither did Sam. At 20 weeks along, he was measured at about 8 days "behind" in growth. I think they were wrong even then, because at 38 weeks, they measured him at 6 lbs 10 oz, but when he was born a mere four days later, he was 7 lbs 11 oz. They were off by a full pound. Couldn't they have been wrong about his size at 20 weeks? Also, two weeks off is apparently a normal variation, but they tried to panic us, I think.

I apologize if this story is not in order, linear.

Last night, I was remembering how much he liked to suck. He sucked on the vent tube. When he was extubated for those brief, hard five days in January 2008, tried valiantly to suck on a pacifier. We have have one picture of him with the pacifier, but he looks so exhausted from the effort that I am not sure that I really want to post it here. It is hard to look at, but I am so glad we have it. I may try to photshop the pacifier into another picture, and take away the vent tubes.

He tried to hard to keep breathing on his own, but he wasn't getting enough oxygen exchange. It turns out it was most likely because of those missing veins that didn't go back to his heart from his right lung. They didn't find that for another couple of weeks when they did the catheterization. They waited to do the catherization, because they discovered that Sam had developed an infection. So while they started him on heavy-duty antibiotics, they also started feeding him again, because he lost weight because they didn't feed him food other than IV nutrition while he was off the vent.

I just keep wishing we could go back, and have everything turn out different. That maybe Sam would have still had HLHS, but maybe his lungs and veins would have been perfect, that he would have been able to get off the vent, and then we would have been taking him home just a few weeks later. I know that there would have been the danger of him developing problems and passing away at anytime, but to have been denied the joy of bringing him home, of being able to lie down with him on our bed, his mommy and daddy curling around him, admiring his big eyes and lucious long eyeslashes in the leisure of our own home.

This time last year, in February 2008, I went back to work part-time. I was cleared by my OB after my emergency c-section. I was at the hospital in the morning, went to work in the afternoon, and then back to the hospital at night. After it looked like we had no idea when Sam would get to come home, I was extremely depressed and angry. It did me a "world of good" to go back to work. It gave me other things to think abut and concentrate on. My workplace, where I had worked for four years full-time, was very supportive about me coming back part-time. They were all mostly very gentle with me and didn't push me too much. I proudly showed off pictures of Sam, and everyone was very positive. It proved to be incredibly positive to go back to work. They also allowed me to carry my cell phone in my pocket at all times. I never did that before, and after Sam passed, I no longer did so, but while he was in the hospital, I told the nurses that they could call me on my cell phone at any time. I kept it on vibrate - so it would not cause a public nuisance, but I could feel it.

Hmm, interesting "food" for thought

Here is an article that says research out of Harvard's School of Public Health says that eating full/whole fat milk products will help fertility and conception.

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-wellbeing/health-news/ice-cream-helps-increase-chance-of-pregnancy-438189.html

Basically, it says that the increase in infertility in the West is a result of all of the low-fat eating and products. It suggests that ice cream a couple of times a week will increase the chance of conceiving, because lack of dairy or eating too much "low-fat" dairy, increased infertility due to lack of ovulation. "The more ice cream the women ate the lower was their risk of infertility. Women eating ice cream two or more times a week had a 38 per cent lower risk of infertility than those who consumed ice cream less than once a week. "

Okay, I seem to have little trouble actually conceiving, but there is the issue of my late ovulation. Does this make a difference in the viability of the embryo? I do not ovulate until day 20 to day 26, depending on my cycle. If eating ice cream will change my hormones, and I actually could ovulate earlier, perhaps that would be better for my chances of sustaining a healthy pregnancy. I will be buying full-fat ice cream tomorrow, and giving it a chance. I have to eat less other food, so I don't gain weight, but that would be fine. I am willing to

Also, people online have been mentioning that peas may contain a natural contraceptive. Therefore, I should not eat peas when I am trying to conceive. That is a problem as I absolutely love peas!! I guess I can try to forgo them for now. However, I haven't tracked down a good scientific source, so I don't know if I should really worry yet or not.

I did not conceive in January. We didn't BD during my most fertile time because my husband was ill with a cold, and he didn't want to give it to me. I got it anyway. So, we will be trying for a Valentine's Day baby conception!!

Just need to vent

I am just feeling down. I think I ovulated either today or yesterday (based on a variety of symptoms) and we haven't had sexual relations in almost four days. Was that too early? On the other hand, it might work better to conceive a girl (I still want a little girl - healthy, too, of course - that goes without saying). You know, a healthy boy would be wonderful, too. Anway, I don't know if my husband will be have enough energy for sex tonight. I don't want to push or force. Maybe we just let it be, and if we conceive, we conceive this month, and if not, we try again next month. I am nervous about the possibility of not getting pregnant until March or April - the dute date would be around Sam's due date, and I don't know if I really want that. Still, if I would get through the Christmas concerts I'll be in before a baby is born, that wouldn't be horrible, either. But I do want a healthy baby before this next Christmas! Oh, so much to think about and consider.

And I just wish my Samnini was here. Yes, I know his spirit is around me, but that isn't the same thing at all. I want him here wobbling around with little wobbly steps, trying to wobble up the stairs. We'd have a gate on the stairs to stop him from doing that. We'd have to pack up our little things - like my minitature tea sets - so that he wouldn't be eating the little parts. I would be taking him to "mommy and me" swmming classes and when he was a little younger, "mommy and me" yoga. It would have been so, so much fun. Christmas would have be wonderful! He would have been delighted by the Christmas tree, and playing, ripping, eating wrapping paper. We could picture him so clearly on Christmas.

And I am still sad that we had a misscarriage. I haven't let myself think this way until today when I realized that I should be 8 and a half weeks along now. I should have a new little baby's heart beating away in me.

Samyar's Story (Our Winter Baby) Part 2

Sam was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS), Double-Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV), Vein Atresia (he had the very rare occurance of just completely missing the veins that take the oxygenated blood from his right lung back to his heart), Hypoplastic Right Lung, as well as a cleft palate and undescended testes.

His HLHS and the associated DORV were found at the 20-week ultrasound. His vein atresia and and hypoplastic lung were not found until his Norward Sano surgery - well, sort of found then. Sam's surgeon said that he was sure the veins were there, but just in a different place, or something, after he had finished Sam's surgery. It wasn't until more than a month later, when Sam could not stay off the ventilator that they cathed him and discovered that not only was his lung indeed extra small, but that the veins were completely missing! Apparently eventually the blood would drift out of his lung to his chest wall.

Sam's microchromosomal tests came back showing that there might be some problems at first, so they had us, his parents, send in our blood, too. It turns out it Sam had a variation that my husband has as well, and probably Sam's grandpa - and they are "heart healthy", so really Sam's chromosomes are fine, even though he really looked like a "syndrome" (but nobody could fit it into a recognizable, known syndrome).

. . . I don't know if this story is really going to have a flow to it. . . I have to do it in parts, to get my feeling out.

Hopes for 2009, meeting with perinatologist

At the suggestion of the nurse practitioner my OB's office (when I went in for my post-miscarriage follow up on Dec 29), I went to a consultation on January 7 with their perinatologist. The nurse thought I had enough history - with Sam's defects and then this early miscarriage. The perinatologist did not have anything extra new to add that we didn't already know, except that he had an opinion on SSRIs! He thinks that it IS possible that my being on fluoxetine (generic Prozac) could have definitely caused Sam's problems. This is the first confirmation on what we've been thinking happened from a medical professional. It feels liberating in a way, though now I feel even more guilty. If only I'd weaned off before conceiving Sam. . .

I walked around the last few days of 2008, crying, saying that the year was terrible. Not everything was terrible . . . there were some good things. . . and I will write a post soon about the good things. . . but losing Sam and then miscarrying over Christmas was certainly not what I wanted to experience over the year. I am more hopeful now. Hopeful that we will conceive another baby, a healthy baby, that we will have a beautiful baby.

The other thing the perinatologist said: "Don't waste any time getting pregnant." He said that really I am still at a good age in terms of low chromosomal problem risks - so we should go ahead. He didn't see a reason why we should wait another cycle to try again! So, my husband and I have been having occaisonal sex in the last week without any protection. However, I don't know if I will conceive or have conceived already yet this month as his work schedule is leaving him exhausted, and we haven't done it in three days now. We'll see. . .