Two days after Thanksgiving (this year), my son and I helped my parents decorate their house for Christmas. In doing so, I got out the creche scene (lots of figures - Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, shepherds, wise men, animals, and the barn) that has been in our family for over thirty years. It has been a long time since I was the one to take it out of the packaging. My parents still keep it the rest of the year in the same box my grandparents mailed it in the Christmas when I was four. When I was little, I was fascinated with this set up. I put a lot of thought of into it each year - where each figure should be. This year, I let my 3 and three quarters year old help me, and somewhere he found an angel figure (doesn't belong with the set) - and suddenly it was just baby Jesus and the angel in the barn. No one else. I don't consider myself particularly religious, so that's not why I felt like crying. It reminded me more of my older son, the one who was newborn and alive six years ago now (even though Christmas he was on ECMO, and things were looking iffy.) Six years ago my older son was alive. By the Christmas five years ago, he was was not. So, I guess what I am trying to say, is that sometimes, it IS hard to try to create memories for my living son . . . but we've also put up our own tree, we've made cookies, and we've visited Santa (even though most of my own memories of sitting on Santa's lap include sheer terror). He's helped me wrap gifts for other people, and is valiantly trying not to share secrets! I loved wrapping gifts with wrapping paper since I was little (my mom let me wrap anything that wasn't for me for years. It was so SO much fun!) So yes, I am trying to create great memories for my son.

Back to normal?

So, I had my first period exactly 30 days after my actual miscarriage, despite the slowly decreasing hcg levels, which was pretty darn normal. 

And then this last cycle was textbook "normal".  28 days long, with ovulation around around CD 14.

I'd still like to be pregnant again.

Finally . . . sigh.

My doctor called Tuesday, and then my phone died completely. I had that phone for over four years. It was the one I got mere days before I found out I pregnant with N in July 2009.

I got a new phone last night night.  (It is not "smart" as we don't want to pay for data and want to keep the same plan we've had for years. It is just a slightly improved version of the phone I had.  And it is navy - the only color available - so not a fun color.  My old one was orange!)  I listened to my messages.  I wish I had heard my phone ring as it was my OB calling.

After almost two months, my HCG levels were "negative"/"normal."  The doctor said this, and this said, "so, yay?!" He then said he hoped I was okay.

That was really nice, actually.  I have been going in there faithfully for testing, even though we'll owe a lot of money.  We have excellent insurance, but each one of the blood draws requires a co-pay for the lab, and a co-pay for the test itself.  It adds up to a lot of money overall.

The thing is, with miscarriage, you don't want any of the "material" left in there.  If the HCG doesn't come down to "normal" (which is <5), then one has to do something else to expel all of the material.  It took a long time (let's see, I found out two months ago now that I was pregnant, started spotting a bit four days later, actually miscarried on Sept 15, and so on.)  I was surprised.  My body maybe didn't want to let it go.
 
The hcg went from 589 to 291 to 118 to 89 to 21 and finally to 0-5(normal) over the course of seven weeks!   It took a long time to come all the way down.  At 89, my breasts still acted like they were pregnant.  At the higher amounts I still felt woozy and nauseous.  (This was completely unlike my previous miscarriage in late 2008.) 

It is kind of relief now that it is totally over.  I still wonder why it happened, why I am not still pregnant, starting my second trimester and everything, but it is not as intense as it was at first. ( Here is my list of possible reasons: http://samyarsheart.blogspot.com/2013/09/26-reasons-i-just-had-miscarriage.html)

However, I know of people due in April, May (yes, May, when I should have been due) and June.  It might be a difficult time for me next spring.

Capture Your Grief Project - Day 15 - Wave of Light

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Color

Day 8: Color
I don't know what color it is exactly - the color that reminds me of Sam the most is the yellowy-brown color on his little Bambi (the deer) doll.

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - You Now

Me, Now:

Today, I appreciated every moment with my living son.   I tried to see the world through his eyes.  I even appreciated when he took a nap this afternoon!  He was very tired, so I insisted, even though he insisted he didn't need one.  (He went to sleep almost immediately.)

That said, I know for a fact that I am less patient that I used to be, before Sam was in our lives.   I could tell right away when I went back to work after he died.  I was still nice to people, but inside got very impatient with helping people who just seemed to not get what I would be telling them.  With my second son, sometimes I get that way, but I remind myself of his age, and am able to calm down.

Capture Your Grief - Day 5 - Memory

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Legacy

Day 4: Legacy - This might be an odd thing to post, but this is a wall-hanging I've had since I was a young girl in love with rainbows. I just re-discovered it in a box of mine that has been in my parents' basement for many years. It is in wonderful shape. It also reminded me of my little Sam. I don't know if it properly reflects his "legacy" or not, but it reminds me of him. Samyar, in persian, means "friend of the light/fire". Also, the winter he was born, we had an entire month of no sunshine - except for about four hours one afternoon. It was a very snowy winter. (And my living son, aged 3, is claiming this for his own now. It is in very good shape - no mildew - so we can hang it in his room if he likes!)

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 3: Myth

Day 3: Myth 
Five weeks after Sam died, we visited Holland, Michigan. Lots of wonderful tulips. I was given some purple tulips at his funeral. I love purple, so had to take a picture. This was also the weekend that I found that someone (not naming names) who came for our son's funeral was surprised that I was still upset and crying sometimes. It seemed that I should be "over it" already, in this person's mind. It was also my first Mother's Day weekend.

Capture Your Grief project ~ Day 1: Sunrise

Last year, I participated in the Capture Your Grief Project and am trying again this year.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html

Finally Finished?

I think I am finally finished with this miscarriage.  Or that was the worst period I've had since I was a teen. (When my periods first started, the cramps were horrific. By my 20s, maybe some acetominiphyn or ibruprofen the first day, and that was it - if any.)

I was cramping so hard on Wednesday night that I couldn't sleep.  Even with ibroprofen. And benedryl.

I no longer feel pregnant even a little bit, like I did a mere week ago.

I think it is over.

I am so, so sad.  I really wanted this baby.

I already had nicknamed the baby "Piglet."

My living son keeps asking when we can have a "real baby" in our house. (As opposed to a doll.)

It's hard.

30+ Reasons I Just Had a Miscarriage

Because it is making me feel better (less anxious) to write down all of the possible reasons I just had an early miscarriage after months of trying to conceive - just to get them out of my head, causing constant panic. . .  here they are, ranked from the most likely (for instance, intellectually I know that the most likely reason is the Chromosomal Issues one, but emotionally - and in anxiety-speak - the others could have a place in this list):

1) Chromosomal Issue(s).  (Most likely the real reason.)
2) Hypothyroidism. (I am, but that seems to be under control at the moment.)
3) Severe Anxiety.  (Yes, I experience anxiety and panic.  However, my living son survived in utero with my anxiety, and my deceased first son also experienced a great deal of anxiety in utero when we discovered his defects.  He went on to be born alive at full-term, and in good health, except for his non-life-compatible congenital defects.)
4) Anxiety/panic over actually being pregnant when I got that first positive hpt. I had severe insomnia that night because I couldn't turn off my brain to sleep.
5) Not enough folic acid pre-conception. (Folic acid not only plays a role in neural tube development, but in the heart development in the baby.)  I wasn't taking pre-natals regularly for that month, either.
6) Working Out/Exercising/Weights - I was doing this when I conceived my living son, so maybe kind of a ridiculous reason.
7) My Age.  (I am not particularly young.)
8) Two previous c-sections.  It couldn't implant in a good place?
9) It was going to be a girl (which I dearly would love) and we can't have girls?!?
10) I got a painful insect or spider bite two days after positive hpt.  Could that have done something?
11) Didn't Drink Enough Water (early enough.)
12) It was conceived in Illinois.  (Our living son was conceived in Arizona. Others were conceived in Illinois.)
13) Ate stir-fried bean sprouts one week before first positive hpt.
14) Drank one sip of my brother's apple ale six days before first positive hpt.  Seriously, being pregnant wasn't on my radar as a possibility this month.
15) I made the mistake of dreaming and planning too soon.
16) My living son is not completely potty-trained yet.
17) Benedryl - Maybe I took too much?  I didn't think I was pregnant, and was having allergy issues (it is mold and ragweed season.)  It is considered class B, so should have been okay-ish.
18) I ate too much sugar.
19) Punishment from the universe.
20) Played too hard with living son in the high heat last week.
21) Living son jumped on me while I was lying down.
22) Took amoxycillin for two days for another issue, but broke out in a rash so stopped.  This might have been during ovulation.  Or the week before.  Not even sure when I actually ovulated.
23) Insomnia.
24) Slept on my Stomach - Can that cause something to go wrong?
25) I had my laptop on my laptop at some point.
26) Cell phone in my pants pocket.
27) Drank from plastic water bottles.
28) More things I ate before I knew I was pregnant:
Turmeric, Cumin, Ginger, Garlic, Mozzerella, Pepperoni, Deli Ham, Mayo, Sumac, Homemade soft serve ice cream my living son and I made together from scratch at the local Children's Museum, in a baggie.   Maybe I should not have eaten it, but I didn't know I was pregnant yet.
29) I touched a "Marley and Me" book for kids maybe even when I was conceiving (in late August in a bookstore - my son was taking things off the shelves and I put them back.  This also happened in 2008 when I was conceiving then (and then miscarried).  As well, I saw the movie of "Marley and Me" that Christmas of 2008 when I started miscarrying during the movie.  The same week we found out about Sam's HLHS, I was listened to the audio CD version of Grogan's "Marley and Me."  I avoided anything to do with that particular story when I was pregnant with my living son.  Again - had no idea I was conceiving this time.
30) I rode my bicycle under a big power line area around the time I might have ovulated.  You can hear the lines buzzing.


As a note, I am still hoping that it was a vanishing twin, and that I still could be pregnant.  Seriously, I doubt it - now.  I cramped really hard the other day.

Letter I Wrote But Never Sent to the PSHU

Here is a letter I wrote to the PSHU (Pediatric Surgical Heart Unit) after Sam's death and never sent, which I just rediscovered.  This is good - because I am forgetting all of the nurses'  names:

"To the PSHU nurses and all other staff:

We want to thank you very much for all the care you gave to our Sam.  You did very well with him, and gave him a lot of love.    We appreciate it greatly.  (We will address everyone more later in this letter.) 

            

We had a funeral service for Sam on Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 4 pm.  . . . [some editied out for some privacy] and he was buried near some of his great-great grandparents in nearby cemetery rather out in the ‘country’.  It is beautiful there in the summer. 

We were not aware at the time that we should contact the PSHU concerning the funeral arrangements. (We had the pastor acknowledge several of you during the service by name.) Dr. V----  said that they/you were waiting to hear.  The way everything was left after Sam died was that we should call a funeral home and then just leave.  That’s the feeling we got, that we should just get out, so there were also more bad feelings on our end.    We were frustrated that none of the doctors (including Dr. I---) with the exception of Dr. B----, who was there at the end, stopped by before we left.   We assumed that someone from the PSHU would be calling to check in with us, to see how we were doing, before the funeral.   We did not think of calling.   I suppose we rather felt as if no one cared there anymore because he had died.  We left when we did because Sam’s body was starting to really turn colors, and it was just time (and my deceased grandma had already assured me that Sam was with her).  The sun had been up for a while, and it was a very pretty spring day.  Sam was a winter baby. For the last few months, I had thought that he would get out of the hospital when this very active winter was finally over.   I guess I was right in a way.     

            For the nursing staff:  You are all great!  Thank you, Joanne, for all you did with Sam.  He really liked you.  Thank you so much for coming in to see us after he passed.  It really meant a lot to us!  Betty, thank you for everything.  We loved the way you talked to Sam, and for encouraging us to bring clothes for him.  Thank you for you support, and willingness to talk with me the day I had my meltdown.  Thank you, (little) Megan, for caring for him, and your efforts the night he passed.  Thanks for doing the hand molds, too.  Sarah, we just really liked you, and we think Sam liked you, too.  Jenny, thank you for making sure that Sam’s Dad got a chance to hold Sam while he was still alive.  It is especially meaningful now.  Thanks to Christine(sp?), the charge nurse who let me hold Sam in February.   It was great, and we didn’t get enough chances to hold him.   (Maybe you should let cases like ours hold him more often. . . We’re just saying. . . so many opportunities missed. . .) We also want to thank those of you who let us help bathe him occasionally.   It was so, so nice to be able to do that.   It was pregnant (pregnant at the time – we hope the baby arrived safe and healthy!) Beth who let us bathe him the Tuesday night before he passed.  We loved doing it, and will always remember those moments.  

            We would also like to thank Ann, who took the most formal picture(s) of Sam.  It was so good that we scanned one of the ones she gave us, and put it in a heart-shaped ornament for our Christmas tree (and one for my parents’ tree) this year.  He’s the angel at the top of our tree!   If Ann could email us with the digital versions of the pictures, that would be wonderful.  Another option would be to send us a cd with the files.  Our address is on the envelope we sent this letter in. 

            There are others would like to thank as well.  We would also like to thank Kathy, the social worker, for all of her assistance.   We would very much like to thank the physical and occupational therapists (we remember Joan, particularly, for some reason).   We’d like to thank the chaplin for securing the use of the piano in the lobby for B’s use late at night.  We’d like to thank the respiratory therapists, too, for their work with Sam. 

            We would also like to thank Dr. V---, as well for being patient with us, and explaining things well."  

Making Tahchin

Tonight, for the first time since early in pregnancy with Sam, I made a Persian dish called Tahchin.   As I was preparing it, I realized that I have in fact not made this dish in SIX entire years.   I found out I pregnant on April 12 six years ago.  I was so excited, and soon after, my morning sickness has become all-day sickness, and eating chicken was disgusting.  (With both Sam and my subsequent son, chicken has been a major turn off during the first half of pregnancy.)  Tahchin is a rice dish often made with chicken.   I know I made it that year, six years ago to take to the family Easter potluck, which was April 8th.  That morning I really suspected I was pregnant, but had gotten a negative pregnancy test.  Grandma said I looked "peaked" that day.   I talked to my cousin about the fact that tahchin has chicken in it so therefore not suitable for her vegetarian self.  

So . . . I have made the dish and added spinach to it this time.  I will enjoy the meal as well. It was just bringing up memories for me as I was preparing it.   They were good memories, too.

Still not pregnant again with another sub . . . although I need to wait almost another two weeks to see about this cycle :).  Maybe Tahchin magic?

Kindergarten Registration

A friend of mine whose daughter was born just after Sam died just posted on FB that it was an exciting and bittersweet day in their household because of this:  Kindergarten Registration.  

We should be registering Sam for kindergarten this fall.  Now, that is really bittersweet.  Instead, I am anticipating with dread with the five year anniversary of Sam's death, which will occur early in the morning on April 3.

And it's my birthday today.  I was having a really great birthday, too, until I saw her post.  Usually, FB things don't bother me too much at all lately.   Until this.    I thought I still had until August before I had to anticipate the starting school photos again on FB, but no.  This really threw me for a loop.