Wave of Light

Wave of Light is an hour for me.  I will update with a picture.

Here is a post that has been going around that I really appreciate:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nancy-davis-johnson/the-other-quiet-mom_b_5972990.html

A quote from it that I like the best and really explains it:
"They never forget. Any reminders from others can't compete with the mother's daily ones -- the turn of the clock, the calendar, the season -- that come all on their own. And the words you might think serve as painful reminders may be far outpaced by the subtler, equally painful but unintended reminders that are outside of your awareness -- or sometimes even hers. It could be that you were pregnant the same time she was. It could be her sudden realization that your child is in the same grade hers would have been if she'd lived"

Capture Your Grief 2014: Day 1: Sunrise

This year was cloudy again at sunrise.   I was glad to have made it outside to take the picture and back in safely.   I have a foot injury (possibly a ruptured ligament on the bottom of my foot that makes walking difficult at the moment.)

44 day long cycle and now to the present

My last cycle was 44 days long.  Either I ovulated when I thought I should get may period, or I did not ovulate at all.  That is what I suspect.    I took three pregnancy tests.  All completely negative.   I have been tracking BBTs this cycle for the first time in years, and I believe that according to my temps, I ovulated this month approximately when I thought I should.  So we shall see.   I am about 8 days post ovulation at present and I had a so-called "implantation dip" yesterday.   Today my bbt went up really high.   I am not sure.   With Sam, I had a true triphasic bbt chart.  With N, I have no idea, because it was my month "off" from tracking anything.  I think I just need to not think about all of this too much anymore. 

Day 37

Okay, it is officially CD 37.  My basal temp (which I don't do often anymore, but have this week) was 99.1F this morning, with previous numbers being 98.8 and 98.9F in the last couple of mornings.   I don't usually go this high unless I am truly pregnant.  Or have a virus, in which case, I usually go higher.  With my thyroid replacement, my bbt's ae usually in the low to mid 97F range. 

I haven't taken a hpt in two days.  Maybe tomorrow or Sunday morning.  I don't want to be disappointed. 

My areolas are darker than normal, too.  

Waiting not so patiently

My current cycle has been almost 5 weeks long - so far.  Today is CD 35.   

My thoughts so far:

1) I didn't ovulate at the time I thought I did.  (CD 18)

2) I didn't ovulate at all. 

3) Maybe actually pregnant but no positive pregnancy test yet. (Have only taken the one, at 3 am this morning.  Not even a so-called evap line. I've never gotten an evap line in my life.  The one time I thought I did, it turns out I was technically pregnant.) 

4) Another chemical pregnancy?  Despite the lack of a positive test.

I am getting old.  I don't know if I can really achieve another pregnancy or if it will be successful.

I am not so patient.  Seriously, if my period is going to come, it should come already!

Chemical Pregnancy in March/April

So faint positive pregnancy tests at the very beginning of April, and then horrible cramps, but very abreviated period.  Took another pregnancy test.  Solid positive.   Went in for bHCG at what would have been five weeks.  35.4.  Too low, but officially pregnant.  Went in two days later.  It went up a whole 4 tenths of a point to 35.9.

It was a chemical pregnancy. Which means a very early miscarriage.  Probably is was chromosomal or it couldn't implant correctly. 

Believing in Relaxation to Acheive Pregnancy

The following  article is from April of last year: 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2316986/Relax-just-dont-think-it-happen-There-words-infuriating-woman-trying-conceive-just-true-says-Ashley-Pearson.html

I found it while searching for how to relax to achieve pregnancy.

As you probably already know, I have been pregnant at least four times, and have one living child.  Every time I have gotten pregnant, it has been during the one cycle I have been "relaxed".   The first month we didn't prevent, I conceived and we had Sam.  The first month we didn't prevent after his death, I conceived (and miscarried early).  I was very relaxed then.   And then I became very hyper about conceiving each month.  I was doing my basal temps each morning, and on and on.  And then the OB told us to take a month off and just have "fun".  I think I calmed down and relaxed - and I even did some strenuous workouts, etc.   And boom, I was pregnant.  It was a successful pregnancy.  When we started trying again in 2012, I didn't think it would take until August 2013 to conceive again.  And again, we had said that we were taking that month "off".  I was pretty relaxed, too.  And it happened.  I know that there are many, many women who don't want to hear this, but it seriously works for me.

The problem for me is that I don't know, generally, how to stop thinking about conceiving during any given month.  It's just very difficult to turn that off in my mind.   I think maybe I need to start a new project totally non-related to pregnancy.  What can that be?