"I Want to Hold Your Hand"

Right now, this minute, I am listening to the Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand". This is the first time, on purpose. . . since the morning Sam died. When I was holding Sam as he passed and after, the song that got stuck in my mind is this one. I held my Samnini in my arms and sang it to him, fondling his hands, his fingers. . . free of the wires and tubes. I wanted to sing it as his funeral, but my mom talked me out of it. We sang "You Are My Sunshine" instead, because it was the song, besides "Here Come the Sun", that I usually sang to Sam while he was alive.

I've had a Beatles' 45 of this song, with "I Saw Her Standing There" on the other side, for 11 years. . . my grandmother gave it and a few other 45s to me. My grandparents had had a bunch of 45s since the '60s. I haven't collected 45s, however, because for years I did not have have a thing to go down over the record player spindle. The record player I currently own I got at a yard sale for $4 seven years ago. . . and just notived today that in the lid, one side did not look like the other. . . and pulled. It was a 'spindle-thingy'!! Finally I could play 45s!! Why now did I notice? Was it because I got out the record player to play the Thriller album in memorial for Michael Jackson (and MJ's heyday of the 1980s - when I was a kid)? That's when I noticed. So now, I have played "I Want to Hold Your Hand" twice. It all feels cathartic.

"And when I touch you,
I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide,
I can't hide."
- The Beatles (Of course!)

PS -- I have loved the Beatles since I was little, and loved singing the Beatles to Samnini. It was all I dreamed of for years. . . having a baby and sharing the Beatles the baby.

Another TTC cycle is a bust. . . .

Okay. . . yes, I ovulated a day or two earlier this past cycle. . . but WTH?? My period started nearly three days earlier than I expected. . . after an 11-day luteal phase. My cycle was 28 days long!! My shortest ever without being on birth control! I don't understand what is happening at all. Sept-Nov 2008 - 41 days long, December - miscarriage, January - 32 days long, February 40 days long, March - 31 days long, April/May - 42 days long, May/June - 28 days long. What is up with this? This past cycle I used OPKs and we timed our babydancing correctly. . . or so we thought!

A good friend of mine who is a nurse suggests that it is time to go see my doctor and get tests. I think I am going to call. I hate calling to make appointments. I wish they would offer online appointment making. . .

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From one of my favorite musicals, and makes me think of my little Samnini. . .

"Come to my garden,
Nestled in the hills.
There I'll keep you safe beside me.

Come to my garden.
Rest there in my arms.
There I'll see you
Safely grown and on your way.

Stay there in the garden,
Where love grows free and wild.
Come to my garden.
Come, sweet child."
- From "The Secret Garden" (the musical)

"I have lost you
and now I've found you
Let me feel your heart
let me hear your song."

- Julian Lennon, "Cole's Song"