Update

Nope, I was not pregnant . . . but I perhaps I could have been. My period just came a little later.  It could have been super early loss.  I don't know.  I don't know if I wanted to really know, either.  Part of me was very relieved that I wasn't pregnant. (Yet.) Of course, another part of me was really disappointed.

At present, I think I am ovulating now (or did within the last day or two.)   And so the wait begins again.  Except for while writing this, I am going to try not to think about it at all. If it happens, great, and if not, there is always next month.

I kind of want to get another (and probably final) pregnancy over with, too, because I would like to back on my SSRI of choice.   I am convinced that it does help calm my anxiety down, and a calmer mother would be good for our living son and also hopefully future baby.

It is now time for bed.  The last two nights have been trying as my living son has been  up with fevers (that end promptly at 8 am), and unable to sleep well.  He is sleeping now, so I must get some sleep while I can.

GMA's Three Words

I know that, apparently, ABC's GMA did their live Three Words event.   However, are they still going to accept submissions for non-live viewings?  The reason I ask is that I would like to submit one for April 3.    It will say: "Miss Our Sam".   It will be four years since our little Sam died.


And our little sub baby, N, will be turning two on Friday.  He can say "Sam", and names him every time we show him Sam's pictures.   We don't think N really understands, but he knows about Sam and that is important.

Things N Says

My little smarty-pants 23 month old talks up a storm, so to speak.  Only we don't always understand him.  I might recognize one word out of every seven, particularly if he is very excited.  However, the other day, he found a cup, held it up to me, and said rather emphatically, "I need some milk!"  Usually, he speaks in one or two work phrases, so this was quite impressive.   


It is also fun when he "reads" Goodnight, Moon to himself or, now, to me.   He says lines such as "Hello moon" and "All gone, moon."    It's very sweet to listen to.  He really gets into it.  


He says "thank you" frequently.   Next we need to work on adding "please" to his vocabulary!

37 weeks (Two weeks until C-Section!!)

If N doesn't come earlier, he'll already be born two weeks from now. . . Wow!!

N scares me sometimes. He doesn't like to move at 8 am. I think he must really be asleep. However, after I eat some breakfast, he'll move quite a bit around 10 am. He's still very active between 8 pm and midnight now.

At my OB last Thursday, it was confirmed that N is head down. I do feel his head bumping my pelvis sometimes. Mostly I feel his little bottom bouncing, and his feet under my ribs. . . although he's getting a little big for this activity now.

The OB scared me by saying that my fundal height was a couple of week behind, but they tested, and I was not leaking amniotic fluid. Also, she measured me lying my back. Even with the baby, we all spread out to the sides. I measured myself later while sitting up, and I measured two weeks ahead. I have read, too, that after about 34 weeks, fundal height isn't a concern anymore. Apparently my OB doesn't know that, and that makes me a little nervous.

At 2 am this morning, I woke up sure I was going to throw up, but it was "just" major acid reflux. It burned my throat in major way. I ate Tums, but then also had to go and have just a little rice milk to coat my throat before I could even attempt to go back to sleep propped up on a pile of pillows. I haven't had many problems at all until recently with acid reflux/heartburn. I've also developed a huge a amount of gas in the last five days. It may be all related.

As well, my breasts have become much more tender in the last week. They are also extremely sensitive. Is labor coming soon? Will we make it to the scheduled c-section.

My DH, who was concerned about me having the baby too early is now worried that they've scheduled the c-section for a late date. "Shouldn't they do the c-section at 38 weeks instead of 39?" is his question. Unless there is another problem or I go into true labor earlier, the policy of my OB office is to do a planned c-section at 39 weeks. My DH also refuses to try s** as a method of getting labor going. I've reminded him that if I go into labor they would do the c-section at that time. Anyway, if he really wants me to, I have to get my nesting instinct going again (I lost it about a month ago) so I can get all the cleaning done - and then I will go on some nice long walks to try to speed things up.

My mother is counting down . . .

My mother (N's Grandma, of course) IM'd me on FB a few minutes ago. The message?

"Four weeks!"

Um - wow - she's right! Tomorrow I am 35 weeks along (and schedule c-section in four weeks)!! Wow! N was bouncing on my bladder already this morning. Last night, he woke up at 11:30 pm, too. I could not sleep for a while, but that's okay. I love having him inside me!

I am happy that my mother is so excited! She was really the one, beyond DH and I, that was really 'crushed' by losing Sam. For a while, she was having panic attacks every Wednesday night, recalling our calls that Sam died. More panic attacks than I had, actually. (I'm just prone to having more generalized anxiety all the time, though.) She's coming asap after N is born. I requested this. I wanted her to be able to hold N as soon as possible, because she was never permitted to hold Sam. That makes both of us cry. . . My mother and I get along very well most of the time, and she is also my BEST friend as well. I want "my mommy" to get a chance to hold our new little boy. It is so, so important!

30 Weeks, Part 1

Thirty weeks today. N is jiggling and dancing again tonight in my right side mostly. He seems to like it over there. I can't quite tell where his head is, however.

We had an emotional time last night and today. I went through some baby things, some of which Sam wore in the hospital. A couple of things were added to the things we will keep, that we have pictures of Sam. N will not wear these items. One cute little outfit my husband does not remember Sam wearing, so he thought we could use it for N. However, I remembered Sam in the outfit. Sam wore it less than a week before he died - when my husband got to hold Sam finally. I had to look at the pictures to verify that it was this very outfit. It was. So that one, too, N will not wear.

Tomorrow is my next OB appointment. We hope to get the c-section scheduled! It's all coming up so quickly now!

Early this morning, I had a dream in which I was eating lots of food, and then drinking lots of ice water. I woke up extremely thirsty!

I will write a 30 Weeks, Part 2 post tomorrow after my appointment.

29 Weeks

My parents have been visiting for the last week, so I have not been able to post until now.

Until today, for the last 9 days or so, N has been lying breech, with his head right below my ribs on the right side, and his butt on the left. His feet were dancing on my bladder. I had an ultrasound last week, so this position was confirmed, and I could feel his head on the right side since then.

Today, N has been moving constantly since noon. For a while, and even now, I could really feel him punching my sternum. Is he head down and feet up? I don't feel nearly so "wide" as I have for the last week, but shorter of breath!

Last week at 28 weeks, N was estimated at 2lbs, 6oz! A friend of mine is teasing me that I will be having a 10lb baby! I hope not. I am hoping for a very healthy 8 pounder.

My parents bought us a crib. It is a relatively simple crib, with rounded edges. We are putting the baby in our room for now, and we have limited space for the crib.

Last night, another friend told me that the way I am carrying the baby, I should be having a girl. She asked me if I was SURE I am having a boy. Well, what if three ultrasounds are wrong?? We have lots of "boy" stuff. If we were expecting a girl, I would go with a purple and pink "theme" instead of Winnie the Pooh!

Christmas

Whew. . . it is the evening of December 26. Last year at this time, my husband and I were at the emergency department of a local hospital. The day before, Christmas Day, I had had some little spotting, but mostly major cramping. I knew that I was miscarrying, because my pregnancy with Sam had never felt like that. But, I wanted to think that the pregnancy was fine. . . until fairly intense bleeding began around lunchtime on the 26th. Still, I held onto hope, because right before heading to the hospital, I got a positive hpt. No, my hormones were just high enough to give the positive, but the pregnancy was pretty much gone.

I have been in part dreading Christmas this year, thinking that something horrible would happen with our current little one. . . well, the 26th is almost over, and N is kicking me. He reminds me regularly now, reminding me that he is here and doing fine.

Christmas was laid back and relaxed. We played our new Wii games. My husband got me Wii Fit. . . which I've been wanting. Yes, I am being careful! I am right at the beginning of the third trimester! Only about 11 or 12 more weeks. Soon the weeks will be down to single digits! Hard to believe.

On Christmas Eve, we went to the midnight service. At the end, everyone gathered outside with lit candles to sing Silent Night, which I'd also been dreading. It is the one Christmas song that makes me cry since the Christmas with Sam. I almost started crying, and then in that moment N kicked me really hard. . . and I smiled and almost burst out in a crying laugh. He wanted me to make sure I remembered he was there, too!