30+ Reasons I Just Had a Miscarriage

Because it is making me feel better (less anxious) to write down all of the possible reasons I just had an early miscarriage after months of trying to conceive - just to get them out of my head, causing constant panic. . .  here they are, ranked from the most likely (for instance, intellectually I know that the most likely reason is the Chromosomal Issues one, but emotionally - and in anxiety-speak - the others could have a place in this list):

1) Chromosomal Issue(s).  (Most likely the real reason.)
2) Hypothyroidism. (I am, but that seems to be under control at the moment.)
3) Severe Anxiety.  (Yes, I experience anxiety and panic.  However, my living son survived in utero with my anxiety, and my deceased first son also experienced a great deal of anxiety in utero when we discovered his defects.  He went on to be born alive at full-term, and in good health, except for his non-life-compatible congenital defects.)
4) Anxiety/panic over actually being pregnant when I got that first positive hpt. I had severe insomnia that night because I couldn't turn off my brain to sleep.
5) Not enough folic acid pre-conception. (Folic acid not only plays a role in neural tube development, but in the heart development in the baby.)  I wasn't taking pre-natals regularly for that month, either.
6) Working Out/Exercising/Weights - I was doing this when I conceived my living son, so maybe kind of a ridiculous reason.
7) My Age.  (I am not particularly young.)
8) Two previous c-sections.  It couldn't implant in a good place?
9) It was going to be a girl (which I dearly would love) and we can't have girls?!?
10) I got a painful insect or spider bite two days after positive hpt.  Could that have done something?
11) Didn't Drink Enough Water (early enough.)
12) It was conceived in Illinois.  (Our living son was conceived in Arizona. Others were conceived in Illinois.)
13) Ate stir-fried bean sprouts one week before first positive hpt.
14) Drank one sip of my brother's apple ale six days before first positive hpt.  Seriously, being pregnant wasn't on my radar as a possibility this month.
15) I made the mistake of dreaming and planning too soon.
16) My living son is not completely potty-trained yet.
17) Benedryl - Maybe I took too much?  I didn't think I was pregnant, and was having allergy issues (it is mold and ragweed season.)  It is considered class B, so should have been okay-ish.
18) I ate too much sugar.
19) Punishment from the universe.
20) Played too hard with living son in the high heat last week.
21) Living son jumped on me while I was lying down.
22) Took amoxycillin for two days for another issue, but broke out in a rash so stopped.  This might have been during ovulation.  Or the week before.  Not even sure when I actually ovulated.
23) Insomnia.
24) Slept on my Stomach - Can that cause something to go wrong?
25) I had my laptop on my laptop at some point.
26) Cell phone in my pants pocket.
27) Drank from plastic water bottles.
28) More things I ate before I knew I was pregnant:
Turmeric, Cumin, Ginger, Garlic, Mozzerella, Pepperoni, Deli Ham, Mayo, Sumac, Homemade soft serve ice cream my living son and I made together from scratch at the local Children's Museum, in a baggie.   Maybe I should not have eaten it, but I didn't know I was pregnant yet.
29) I touched a "Marley and Me" book for kids maybe even when I was conceiving (in late August in a bookstore - my son was taking things off the shelves and I put them back.  This also happened in 2008 when I was conceiving then (and then miscarried).  As well, I saw the movie of "Marley and Me" that Christmas of 2008 when I started miscarrying during the movie.  The same week we found out about Sam's HLHS, I was listened to the audio CD version of Grogan's "Marley and Me."  I avoided anything to do with that particular story when I was pregnant with my living son.  Again - had no idea I was conceiving this time.
30) I rode my bicycle under a big power line area around the time I might have ovulated.  You can hear the lines buzzing.


As a note, I am still hoping that it was a vanishing twin, and that I still could be pregnant.  Seriously, I doubt it - now.  I cramped really hard the other day.

Another Month . . .

Waiting to see this cycle.  Any day now.

Last month, I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant, because I knew when I ovulated back near the end of July without doing any BBT charting (and we didn't "have fun" close enough), and I am very sure again this cycle of when I ovulated, based on other things.   I have a good idea anyway.  And it would be entirely possible to get pregnant this cycle.

A few things have happened that have left me wondering that are beyond normal for me (I'm pretty sure, anyway):
- Stabbing pain in my right breast.  (N was weaned well over a year ago, and I don't normally get stabbing pain during normal cycles.)
- Earlier light cramping down there than my normal pms.
- Lightheadness. . .  but that could also be associated with my allergies.  Right now, ragweed and mold are really high, so that can be a normal state for me this time of year.
- Tiredness. . .  but again, allergies.  Ragweed tends to make me feel even depressed.  I am an odd person that actually feels less depressed in the winter because the pollen goes away!
- Even though my cheese allergies don't allow me to eat alfredo sauce often, I can usually eat some just every so often in very small quantities.   Suddenly in the last few days, it smells overwhelmingly like vomit.   Is that normal or not?

It's been at least 10 or 11 days since I ovulated.  I expect my period by Monday at the latest.

Unsuccessful Second Month of TTC

So . . .

My cycle, which was consistent between 27 and 30 days for almost a year is getting funky again.  Or I had perhaps another near-pregnancy. 34 days long this time!  If it was "normal", then I ovulated later than I thought was going to, and our baby dancing was too early (six-ish days before, which is not impossible, but at our ages, maybe so.)   Maybe I was "normal" because I was in another state/area of the country, and now we're back to the Midwest - and that makes all the difference for me?  I don't know.   I am trying so hard not to be superstitious, but that's hard to do actually.

Some more of our worries not concerning TTC have been resolved, so maybe we will have more time and energy for "having fun" this coming month.   We'll see.

Update

Nope, I was not pregnant . . . but I perhaps I could have been. My period just came a little later.  It could have been super early loss.  I don't know.  I don't know if I wanted to really know, either.  Part of me was very relieved that I wasn't pregnant. (Yet.) Of course, another part of me was really disappointed.

At present, I think I am ovulating now (or did within the last day or two.)   And so the wait begins again.  Except for while writing this, I am going to try not to think about it at all. If it happens, great, and if not, there is always next month.

I kind of want to get another (and probably final) pregnancy over with, too, because I would like to back on my SSRI of choice.   I am convinced that it does help calm my anxiety down, and a calmer mother would be good for our living son and also hopefully future baby.

It is now time for bed.  The last two nights have been trying as my living son has been  up with fevers (that end promptly at 8 am), and unable to sleep well.  He is sleeping now, so I must get some sleep while I can.

Waiting another couple of months. . .

As much as I'd like to be pregnant again, we are waiting another couple of months.  There are some factors to this decision that I will not completely go into right now, but a less personal reason is that I am running my very first 5k race in a couple of weeks.  This is an amazing thing for me.  My modest goal is to finish it, and maybe not come in last.   I can run (with some periods of walking) 5k in about 45 minutes.   Today I hardly did a mile because allergy congestion (coupled with dust in the air) prevented it.  It is a hope that this will not prove to be an issue for me on the morning of the race.  


The race will take place two days after N's second birthday! 

Relaxing?

I don't know if I mentioned on this blog previously. . . but on the advice of the OB, I know approximately when I ovulate, even though it varies by nearly a week depending on the cycle, I have discontinued BBTing and OPKs. I am okay with this, surprisingly. I am actually relieved. She also said exercising (just don't train to run a marathon)is fine, as is eating peas, as far as she is concerned.

So -

1) I have been doing a couple of miles on the treadmill in the apartment complex fitness room about 4-5 times a week in the last two weeks.

2) Working out with weights again.

I have lost no weight yet, though, which is frustrating.

I think I am already more relaxed. I also think I am may be getting ready to ovulate again, looking at CM. My husband and I are just having romantic interludes every two days or so. It's been more fun! Less pressured!

Another TTC cycle is a bust. . . .

Okay. . . yes, I ovulated a day or two earlier this past cycle. . . but WTH?? My period started nearly three days earlier than I expected. . . after an 11-day luteal phase. My cycle was 28 days long!! My shortest ever without being on birth control! I don't understand what is happening at all. Sept-Nov 2008 - 41 days long, December - miscarriage, January - 32 days long, February 40 days long, March - 31 days long, April/May - 42 days long, May/June - 28 days long. What is up with this? This past cycle I used OPKs and we timed our babydancing correctly. . . or so we thought!

A good friend of mine who is a nurse suggests that it is time to go see my doctor and get tests. I think I am going to call. I hate calling to make appointments. I wish they would offer online appointment making. . .

-----
From one of my favorite musicals, and makes me think of my little Samnini. . .

"Come to my garden,
Nestled in the hills.
There I'll keep you safe beside me.

Come to my garden.
Rest there in my arms.
There I'll see you
Safely grown and on your way.

Stay there in the garden,
Where love grows free and wild.
Come to my garden.
Come, sweet child."
- From "The Secret Garden" (the musical)

Sam's half birthday today and TTC

It's the 10th of June, and Sam would be 18 months old today. That would be so much fun. He'd be getting into absolutely everthing and probably talking up a storm.

*Sigh*

So . . . once again, I am almost a week beyond ovulation. My last cycle was 42 days long, and I don't think i ovulated until day 23 or beyond. This cycle, I used OPKs for the first time, and, I have had other things to think about at the same time. Fertility Friend thinks I ovulated on CD17!!! The would be rather "early", but I got my strongest, definite positive OPK on CD16, and a just positive OPK on CD17 - and CD17 is when my BBT started a slow swing upwards, which is what happened the cycle I conceived Samnini. I am trying not to get excited about and just be a bit optimistic.

Something different, too, is that I am exercising every few days, even during this luteal phase, instead of sitting on my butt doing nothing. I was active during pregnancy and before with Samnini, so I shouldn't worry too much about jiggling the eggs/blasts. . . .

Some thoughts

1) I am 12 dpo today. My bbt went up rather than down today. This is an interesting sign, knock-0n-wood, because usually my bbt starts dropping on 12 dpo if I am going to get my period. My breasts felt like they were being attacked yesterday for hours on end. I do get breast and nipple soreness during pms, but NEVER this bad. I have also been more tired than normal. (This is exactly what happened at the beginning of pregnancy with Sam. Maybe it's wishful thinking, too.)

2) We are still getting bills that neither of Sam's insurance policies are willing to pay for. My/his primary insurance paid most his bills, but suddenly more than a year later, his secondary health insurance (through my husband's job) has decided that they will not cover some of it even though Sam's policy went into effect the day he was born. Now they are claiming that it didn't go into effect until Sam was 6 weeks old! So. . . this is an ongoing issue that I thought was behind us!

3) Almost two years ago, near the beginning of pregnancy with Sam, before we knew of any of his problems, I talked with two close friends who tried to convince me not to find out the sex of the baby until he (or she) was born. Even then I knew I wanted to find out the sex of the baby via ultrasound. This was the thing that was top-most in my mind. (This is probably the case for many pregnant mothers who have "pregnancy innocence".) I even noted this conversation with friends in my (hand-written, private) journal. My reasoning was the I 'needed to know', that it would help me bond with the baby. They argued that there is no greater surprise than finding out when the baby comes out.

What I learned later that year, and realized again today, that the sex of a baby can be a surprise, but it really is NOT the biggest surprise. No, the biggest, and best, surprise is/would be to find our your baby is completely healthy. This the most important surprise.

Hopes for 2009, meeting with perinatologist

At the suggestion of the nurse practitioner my OB's office (when I went in for my post-miscarriage follow up on Dec 29), I went to a consultation on January 7 with their perinatologist. The nurse thought I had enough history - with Sam's defects and then this early miscarriage. The perinatologist did not have anything extra new to add that we didn't already know, except that he had an opinion on SSRIs! He thinks that it IS possible that my being on fluoxetine (generic Prozac) could have definitely caused Sam's problems. This is the first confirmation on what we've been thinking happened from a medical professional. It feels liberating in a way, though now I feel even more guilty. If only I'd weaned off before conceiving Sam. . .

I walked around the last few days of 2008, crying, saying that the year was terrible. Not everything was terrible . . . there were some good things. . . and I will write a post soon about the good things. . . but losing Sam and then miscarrying over Christmas was certainly not what I wanted to experience over the year. I am more hopeful now. Hopeful that we will conceive another baby, a healthy baby, that we will have a beautiful baby.

The other thing the perinatologist said: "Don't waste any time getting pregnant." He said that really I am still at a good age in terms of low chromosomal problem risks - so we should go ahead. He didn't see a reason why we should wait another cycle to try again! So, my husband and I have been having occaisonal sex in the last week without any protection. However, I don't know if I will conceive or have conceived already yet this month as his work schedule is leaving him exhausted, and we haven't done it in three days now. We'll see. . .

Early Miscarriage

Starting two weeks ago, I got five positive hpts five mornings in a row. Each test became darker and faster with the positive line showing up. I was getting excited! My areolas were getting darker. I was starting to get nauseous. A wonderful Christmas present!

On December 23rd, my BBT remained high. I felt nauceous, and then around 1 pm, my nauseousness and dizziness went away. I was actually relieved. I went to the bathroom later, and found I'd been spotting and never noticed a thing. No cramping or pain. It stopped after about 10 minutes, and maybe 2 teaspoons of blood.

December 24th - Christmas Eve. I was not feeling so hopeful any more. Some spotting, mostly brown, mostly when I wiped. No cramping.

December 25th - Christmas Day. Spotting when wiping. Two very small clots. Major cramping with no spotting at all later in the day.

December 26th. More than spotting. Medium level bleeding, red. Major cramps almost like contractions. I knew it was over by then. Went to the emergency room for ultrasound and blood work. Few signs of pregnancy in my uterus, but luckily so sign of ectopic (yet). HCG level was 29. Way too low for over 5 weeks along. 29 was enough to trigger a positive Answer hpt that morning. I am to follow up with my OB on Monday - to get another HCG measure to make sure it is going down and not up (which could still mean an emerging ectopic - I hope not!)

December 28th. Still bleeding moderately, and some cramps. Like a bad period for me. My husband promises me that we can try immediately after I stop bleeding.

I want a living, healthy baby so badly.

2008 was quite a "sucky" year for so many reasons. I hope that 2009 will be so, so much better!