Pediatric Chaplain who visited Sam and us and Music

I just remembered (again) how the Pediatric Chaplain came around to see us when we were in Sam's room with him. Her name is Rev. Janet, and she is the one who worked it out with hospital security that my husband would be permitted to play the lobby piano after 10 pm (and visiting hours were over). We stayed in a local hotel, across the street from the hospital (they were just in the process of building a Ronald McDonald House), and my husband missed his piano. The staff did rounds and/or staff changes at 10 pm, and parents were supposed to leave for about an hour if possible. So that is when we went down to the lobby. My husband practiced usually some classical pieces. (He's played/studied the piano since he was a kid, as did I, but he is five times better than I've ever been. . . ) I would usually read, and sometimes write an entry in one of my book blogs. My husband's piano playing has always been soothing to me, calming. When I was pregnant with Sam, his playing would calm both of us down. Sam loving his dad's piano playing in utero. . . I would sit right next to the piano so that he would hear it. (I apologize if I have previously written about this. . .)

Anyway, we both really appreciated that my husband had this opportunity to play the piano. The only regret is that Sam never got to hear his dad play the piano after he was born. Sam died just before the little portable keyboard we'd ordered arrived. We still have it. My husband will be bringing it to the hospital we have another baby someday, and play for that baby right away.

"I Want to Hold Your Hand"

Right now, this minute, I am listening to the Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand". This is the first time, on purpose. . . since the morning Sam died. When I was holding Sam as he passed and after, the song that got stuck in my mind is this one. I held my Samnini in my arms and sang it to him, fondling his hands, his fingers. . . free of the wires and tubes. I wanted to sing it as his funeral, but my mom talked me out of it. We sang "You Are My Sunshine" instead, because it was the song, besides "Here Come the Sun", that I usually sang to Sam while he was alive.

I've had a Beatles' 45 of this song, with "I Saw Her Standing There" on the other side, for 11 years. . . my grandmother gave it and a few other 45s to me. My grandparents had had a bunch of 45s since the '60s. I haven't collected 45s, however, because for years I did not have have a thing to go down over the record player spindle. The record player I currently own I got at a yard sale for $4 seven years ago. . . and just notived today that in the lid, one side did not look like the other. . . and pulled. It was a 'spindle-thingy'!! Finally I could play 45s!! Why now did I notice? Was it because I got out the record player to play the Thriller album in memorial for Michael Jackson (and MJ's heyday of the 1980s - when I was a kid)? That's when I noticed. So now, I have played "I Want to Hold Your Hand" twice. It all feels cathartic.

"And when I touch you,
I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide,
I can't hide."
- The Beatles (Of course!)

PS -- I have loved the Beatles since I was little, and loved singing the Beatles to Samnini. It was all I dreamed of for years. . . having a baby and sharing the Beatles the baby.

Another TTC cycle is a bust. . . .

Okay. . . yes, I ovulated a day or two earlier this past cycle. . . but WTH?? My period started nearly three days earlier than I expected. . . after an 11-day luteal phase. My cycle was 28 days long!! My shortest ever without being on birth control! I don't understand what is happening at all. Sept-Nov 2008 - 41 days long, December - miscarriage, January - 32 days long, February 40 days long, March - 31 days long, April/May - 42 days long, May/June - 28 days long. What is up with this? This past cycle I used OPKs and we timed our babydancing correctly. . . or so we thought!

A good friend of mine who is a nurse suggests that it is time to go see my doctor and get tests. I think I am going to call. I hate calling to make appointments. I wish they would offer online appointment making. . .

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From one of my favorite musicals, and makes me think of my little Samnini. . .

"Come to my garden,
Nestled in the hills.
There I'll keep you safe beside me.

Come to my garden.
Rest there in my arms.
There I'll see you
Safely grown and on your way.

Stay there in the garden,
Where love grows free and wild.
Come to my garden.
Come, sweet child."
- From "The Secret Garden" (the musical)