30+ Reasons I Just Had a Miscarriage

Because it is making me feel better (less anxious) to write down all of the possible reasons I just had an early miscarriage after months of trying to conceive - just to get them out of my head, causing constant panic. . .  here they are, ranked from the most likely (for instance, intellectually I know that the most likely reason is the Chromosomal Issues one, but emotionally - and in anxiety-speak - the others could have a place in this list):

1) Chromosomal Issue(s).  (Most likely the real reason.)
2) Hypothyroidism. (I am, but that seems to be under control at the moment.)
3) Severe Anxiety.  (Yes, I experience anxiety and panic.  However, my living son survived in utero with my anxiety, and my deceased first son also experienced a great deal of anxiety in utero when we discovered his defects.  He went on to be born alive at full-term, and in good health, except for his non-life-compatible congenital defects.)
4) Anxiety/panic over actually being pregnant when I got that first positive hpt. I had severe insomnia that night because I couldn't turn off my brain to sleep.
5) Not enough folic acid pre-conception. (Folic acid not only plays a role in neural tube development, but in the heart development in the baby.)  I wasn't taking pre-natals regularly for that month, either.
6) Working Out/Exercising/Weights - I was doing this when I conceived my living son, so maybe kind of a ridiculous reason.
7) My Age.  (I am not particularly young.)
8) Two previous c-sections.  It couldn't implant in a good place?
9) It was going to be a girl (which I dearly would love) and we can't have girls?!?
10) I got a painful insect or spider bite two days after positive hpt.  Could that have done something?
11) Didn't Drink Enough Water (early enough.)
12) It was conceived in Illinois.  (Our living son was conceived in Arizona. Others were conceived in Illinois.)
13) Ate stir-fried bean sprouts one week before first positive hpt.
14) Drank one sip of my brother's apple ale six days before first positive hpt.  Seriously, being pregnant wasn't on my radar as a possibility this month.
15) I made the mistake of dreaming and planning too soon.
16) My living son is not completely potty-trained yet.
17) Benedryl - Maybe I took too much?  I didn't think I was pregnant, and was having allergy issues (it is mold and ragweed season.)  It is considered class B, so should have been okay-ish.
18) I ate too much sugar.
19) Punishment from the universe.
20) Played too hard with living son in the high heat last week.
21) Living son jumped on me while I was lying down.
22) Took amoxycillin for two days for another issue, but broke out in a rash so stopped.  This might have been during ovulation.  Or the week before.  Not even sure when I actually ovulated.
23) Insomnia.
24) Slept on my Stomach - Can that cause something to go wrong?
25) I had my laptop on my laptop at some point.
26) Cell phone in my pants pocket.
27) Drank from plastic water bottles.
28) More things I ate before I knew I was pregnant:
Turmeric, Cumin, Ginger, Garlic, Mozzerella, Pepperoni, Deli Ham, Mayo, Sumac, Homemade soft serve ice cream my living son and I made together from scratch at the local Children's Museum, in a baggie.   Maybe I should not have eaten it, but I didn't know I was pregnant yet.
29) I touched a "Marley and Me" book for kids maybe even when I was conceiving (in late August in a bookstore - my son was taking things off the shelves and I put them back.  This also happened in 2008 when I was conceiving then (and then miscarried).  As well, I saw the movie of "Marley and Me" that Christmas of 2008 when I started miscarrying during the movie.  The same week we found out about Sam's HLHS, I was listened to the audio CD version of Grogan's "Marley and Me."  I avoided anything to do with that particular story when I was pregnant with my living son.  Again - had no idea I was conceiving this time.
30) I rode my bicycle under a big power line area around the time I might have ovulated.  You can hear the lines buzzing.


As a note, I am still hoping that it was a vanishing twin, and that I still could be pregnant.  Seriously, I doubt it - now.  I cramped really hard the other day.

37 weeks (Two weeks until C-Section!!)

If N doesn't come earlier, he'll already be born two weeks from now. . . Wow!!

N scares me sometimes. He doesn't like to move at 8 am. I think he must really be asleep. However, after I eat some breakfast, he'll move quite a bit around 10 am. He's still very active between 8 pm and midnight now.

At my OB last Thursday, it was confirmed that N is head down. I do feel his head bumping my pelvis sometimes. Mostly I feel his little bottom bouncing, and his feet under my ribs. . . although he's getting a little big for this activity now.

The OB scared me by saying that my fundal height was a couple of week behind, but they tested, and I was not leaking amniotic fluid. Also, she measured me lying my back. Even with the baby, we all spread out to the sides. I measured myself later while sitting up, and I measured two weeks ahead. I have read, too, that after about 34 weeks, fundal height isn't a concern anymore. Apparently my OB doesn't know that, and that makes me a little nervous.

At 2 am this morning, I woke up sure I was going to throw up, but it was "just" major acid reflux. It burned my throat in major way. I ate Tums, but then also had to go and have just a little rice milk to coat my throat before I could even attempt to go back to sleep propped up on a pile of pillows. I haven't had many problems at all until recently with acid reflux/heartburn. I've also developed a huge a amount of gas in the last five days. It may be all related.

As well, my breasts have become much more tender in the last week. They are also extremely sensitive. Is labor coming soon? Will we make it to the scheduled c-section.

My DH, who was concerned about me having the baby too early is now worried that they've scheduled the c-section for a late date. "Shouldn't they do the c-section at 38 weeks instead of 39?" is his question. Unless there is another problem or I go into true labor earlier, the policy of my OB office is to do a planned c-section at 39 weeks. My DH also refuses to try s** as a method of getting labor going. I've reminded him that if I go into labor they would do the c-section at that time. Anyway, if he really wants me to, I have to get my nesting instinct going again (I lost it about a month ago) so I can get all the cleaning done - and then I will go on some nice long walks to try to speed things up.

30 Weeks, Part 1

Thirty weeks today. N is jiggling and dancing again tonight in my right side mostly. He seems to like it over there. I can't quite tell where his head is, however.

We had an emotional time last night and today. I went through some baby things, some of which Sam wore in the hospital. A couple of things were added to the things we will keep, that we have pictures of Sam. N will not wear these items. One cute little outfit my husband does not remember Sam wearing, so he thought we could use it for N. However, I remembered Sam in the outfit. Sam wore it less than a week before he died - when my husband got to hold Sam finally. I had to look at the pictures to verify that it was this very outfit. It was. So that one, too, N will not wear.

Tomorrow is my next OB appointment. We hope to get the c-section scheduled! It's all coming up so quickly now!

Early this morning, I had a dream in which I was eating lots of food, and then drinking lots of ice water. I woke up extremely thirsty!

I will write a 30 Weeks, Part 2 post tomorrow after my appointment.

29 Weeks

My parents have been visiting for the last week, so I have not been able to post until now.

Until today, for the last 9 days or so, N has been lying breech, with his head right below my ribs on the right side, and his butt on the left. His feet were dancing on my bladder. I had an ultrasound last week, so this position was confirmed, and I could feel his head on the right side since then.

Today, N has been moving constantly since noon. For a while, and even now, I could really feel him punching my sternum. Is he head down and feet up? I don't feel nearly so "wide" as I have for the last week, but shorter of breath!

Last week at 28 weeks, N was estimated at 2lbs, 6oz! A friend of mine is teasing me that I will be having a 10lb baby! I hope not. I am hoping for a very healthy 8 pounder.

My parents bought us a crib. It is a relatively simple crib, with rounded edges. We are putting the baby in our room for now, and we have limited space for the crib.

Last night, another friend told me that the way I am carrying the baby, I should be having a girl. She asked me if I was SURE I am having a boy. Well, what if three ultrasounds are wrong?? We have lots of "boy" stuff. If we were expecting a girl, I would go with a purple and pink "theme" instead of Winnie the Pooh!

Christmas

Whew. . . it is the evening of December 26. Last year at this time, my husband and I were at the emergency department of a local hospital. The day before, Christmas Day, I had had some little spotting, but mostly major cramping. I knew that I was miscarrying, because my pregnancy with Sam had never felt like that. But, I wanted to think that the pregnancy was fine. . . until fairly intense bleeding began around lunchtime on the 26th. Still, I held onto hope, because right before heading to the hospital, I got a positive hpt. No, my hormones were just high enough to give the positive, but the pregnancy was pretty much gone.

I have been in part dreading Christmas this year, thinking that something horrible would happen with our current little one. . . well, the 26th is almost over, and N is kicking me. He reminds me regularly now, reminding me that he is here and doing fine.

Christmas was laid back and relaxed. We played our new Wii games. My husband got me Wii Fit. . . which I've been wanting. Yes, I am being careful! I am right at the beginning of the third trimester! Only about 11 or 12 more weeks. Soon the weeks will be down to single digits! Hard to believe.

On Christmas Eve, we went to the midnight service. At the end, everyone gathered outside with lit candles to sing Silent Night, which I'd also been dreading. It is the one Christmas song that makes me cry since the Christmas with Sam. I almost started crying, and then in that moment N kicked me really hard. . . and I smiled and almost burst out in a crying laugh. He wanted me to make sure I remembered he was there, too!

Two Weeks from Today

Two weeks from today, at about 17.5 weeks along, we will be getting a fetal echocardiogram. I am nervous. This baby needs to be well! At least, no major heart defects. Then at 19 weeks, a Level II ultrasound. It still feels like mostly everyone around here is so stubborn about when echoes and level IIs can be done. I don't understand it. In Europe, it seems some of this can be taken care of earlier. Is it Tucson? Is it the US? I don't know, and it's very frustrating. I just don't want to be suddenly at 20 weeks again having to make a horrible decision. Can't any of these medical professionals around here understand that? Apparently not, or maybe they are just not good enough. Very few, including my OB, seem empathetic.

Sigh.

At least I got a compromise on the fetal echo, sort of. My DH talked directly to the pediatric cardiologist and he okay'd the so-called "earlier" echo.

Interesting Report/Article on Morning Sickness

So, I found a report on Baby Center about how mothers who had morning sickness had babies that are smarter than babies whose mothers did not experience morning sickness. This research was reported in Journal of Pediatrics, and apparently the research took place with the Motherisk Program at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto . . . I'll have my husband look it up on his medical database. In the meantime, this report also says "Pregnant women who have morning sickness are less likely to have a miscarriage and less likely to have babies with congenital cardiovascular problems."

Yeah, right. I had major all-day sickness with Sam (although it started a little later than it did for my current pregnancy, and maybe wasn't quite as bad as what I am experiencing right now - I thought it was bad at the time). . . and I would say that Sam had some major congenital cardiovascular problems!!

(I have no idea why the link will not show up! I've tried something like eight times!)

http://www.babycenter.com/204_morning-sickness-linked-to-smarter-babies_10312743.bc

Nicknames

When I was first pregnant with who turned out to be Sam, I started calling the tiny being growing inside of me "Niniboof". 'Nini' (pronounced NEE-NEE, not "ninny" or NII-nee)is a Persian term for 'baby'. Boof is a childish, perhaps silly, term for rice in persian. My husband kept saying at the time very early in pregnancy that the baby wasn't much bigger than a grain of rice, and then Niniboof just popped into mind. Later into pregnancy, when we'd figured out Sam's name, we started calling him Samnini.

So, we've already decided on a nickname for this little one. "Ninibaa" is our choice this time around. Baa - for a little lamb. In Persian, a term for lamb is "baa-by-ee".

So as I am writing this, I am waiting for my backup data to load back onto my laptop (I had to completely wipe the whole drive -- it had problems.) I am also resisting the urger to run to the bathroom to throw up. All-day sickness continues!

12 days of Afternoon/Evening Sickness and more items of discussion

Today was the 12th day of 'afternoon' sickness. I was gagging tonight, quite suddenly, over the kitchen sink after feeling generally queasy since about 1 pm. That is how it has been for 12 days now. My DH went and bought me a bottle of ginger ale, finally! I kept saying, since my pregnancy with Sam when I had all-day sickness, when I survived the entire first trimester on ginger ale, that with future pregnancies I would refuse to give in to pop/sugar/high fructose corn syrup/caramel coloring. It was such a relief to be able to drink ginger ale tonight!

Still, I am thrilled that I am having afternoon/all day sickness - it means to me that I know that I am still pregnant. In December, my sickness stopped completely, entirely, a few hours before I started spotting with my miscarriage. So I am trying to embrace my afternoon sickness and even enjoy it to some extent.

Okay, off to bed soon. I took a nap this afternoon, but I am still tired. The problem is that lately I will go to sleep cold (on purpose. . . lovely air conditioning. . .) and then wake up later, even minutes later, explodingly hot and sweaty.

One more thing, I joined a pregnancy message board connected to a TTC board I've been on occaisonally, and I sounded off on someone who was on Effexor (not quite an SSRI, but similar - works a little differently) for depression/anxiety at the time of her conception. She went off cold turkey after she found out she was pregnant. I basically told her that it could be too late for her baby's heart, and other early organs (if in fact, Sam's defects were caused in part by my being on fluoxetine - his HLHS occurred the moment his heart was formed). I hope I didn't scare her too much. It sounded like she needed the med. I do hope her baby is okay.

I think that this new baby's heart has probably formed already. I've starting talking to the baby, telling it that we love it already, and really hope that she/he can come home with us.

Trying not to panic. . .

Yes, two VERY positive home pregnancy tests -- the test line was darker than the control line in the matter of 5 seconds. This makes me feel somewhat hopeful, but I am also scared and trying not to panic.

So scared. . . I am scared that every time I hear something that happens to another baby, another child, will happen to us. Again. The reason why I remember this is that early in my pregnancy with Sam, I saw an Extreme Home Makeover episode focused around a girl who'd had lots of surgery and problems due to her congenital heart defects. So now, just in the last two days, I've heard of two little kids locally who drowned in their grandparents' backyard pool. So now I am freaking out that someday I will have a child who will drown (although, I plan to teach my children as young as possible swimming and water survival skills). It's just very scary.

I am excited, but trying so hard not to be excited. . . because SO MANY things can happen between now and when this baby is due.

Early Miscarriage

Starting two weeks ago, I got five positive hpts five mornings in a row. Each test became darker and faster with the positive line showing up. I was getting excited! My areolas were getting darker. I was starting to get nauseous. A wonderful Christmas present!

On December 23rd, my BBT remained high. I felt nauceous, and then around 1 pm, my nauseousness and dizziness went away. I was actually relieved. I went to the bathroom later, and found I'd been spotting and never noticed a thing. No cramping or pain. It stopped after about 10 minutes, and maybe 2 teaspoons of blood.

December 24th - Christmas Eve. I was not feeling so hopeful any more. Some spotting, mostly brown, mostly when I wiped. No cramping.

December 25th - Christmas Day. Spotting when wiping. Two very small clots. Major cramping with no spotting at all later in the day.

December 26th. More than spotting. Medium level bleeding, red. Major cramps almost like contractions. I knew it was over by then. Went to the emergency room for ultrasound and blood work. Few signs of pregnancy in my uterus, but luckily so sign of ectopic (yet). HCG level was 29. Way too low for over 5 weeks along. 29 was enough to trigger a positive Answer hpt that morning. I am to follow up with my OB on Monday - to get another HCG measure to make sure it is going down and not up (which could still mean an emerging ectopic - I hope not!)

December 28th. Still bleeding moderately, and some cramps. Like a bad period for me. My husband promises me that we can try immediately after I stop bleeding.

I want a living, healthy baby so badly.

2008 was quite a "sucky" year for so many reasons. I hope that 2009 will be so, so much better!