Waiting - Again

As we are less than a month from Sam's 5th birthday, I am waiting to see if I could be pregnant.  Tomorrow will be CD 35.   Negative HPTs for the last two mornings.  I am out of tests again.  They were dollar store tests.  I will be buying no more.     Unless I continue not to get my period a number of more days.

I was feeling so smug last cycle after it was so normal, and only 29 days in length (with period exactly 14 days after ovulation.) This 35 day cycle thing is very frustrating.   I thought I ovulated earlier.  It may be that I didn't ovulate at all.   I have no idea at this point in time.  

I have been having some low pelvic cramping.  If I am getting my period, I haven't had PMS this badly since July.

I have also been working out much more frequently in the last month, but remember, back in 2009, my ob at the time told me that exercise shouldn't been an issue unless I am training for a marathon.   Actually it was the cycle that I increased exercise frequency and intensity that I conceived my little N.   The point is that I am not particularly worried about that right now!  

I'm tired of this.  

Capture Your Grief - Project for Infant and Child Loss Month

Day 1: Sunrise (where you live)
(I will have to insert this soon . . .)



Day 2: Self-Portrait Before Loss -
On the left is me on my wedding day.  Sam was born one year and one day later.
On the right, I am 32 weeks along with Sam.   I think I still am happy, because I had a lot of hope for the survival of our baby.

Day 4: Most Treasured Item(s)

Another Month . . .

Waiting to see this cycle.  Any day now.

Last month, I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant, because I knew when I ovulated back near the end of July without doing any BBT charting (and we didn't "have fun" close enough), and I am very sure again this cycle of when I ovulated, based on other things.   I have a good idea anyway.  And it would be entirely possible to get pregnant this cycle.

A few things have happened that have left me wondering that are beyond normal for me (I'm pretty sure, anyway):
- Stabbing pain in my right breast.  (N was weaned well over a year ago, and I don't normally get stabbing pain during normal cycles.)
- Earlier light cramping down there than my normal pms.
- Lightheadness. . .  but that could also be associated with my allergies.  Right now, ragweed and mold are really high, so that can be a normal state for me this time of year.
- Tiredness. . .  but again, allergies.  Ragweed tends to make me feel even depressed.  I am an odd person that actually feels less depressed in the winter because the pollen goes away!
- Even though my cheese allergies don't allow me to eat alfredo sauce often, I can usually eat some just every so often in very small quantities.   Suddenly in the last few days, it smells overwhelmingly like vomit.   Is that normal or not?

It's been at least 10 or 11 days since I ovulated.  I expect my period by Monday at the latest.

School is Starting

At least three of the babies born in the six months before Sam was born are starting Kindergarten.  Two   began today.  Their pictures were posted, eager, newly five years old, going to school.   I held both of them as babies, while I was still pregnant with Sam.   The little boy as a newborn cuddled against Sam in my belly and fell asleep, giving his mom the first break (and quiet) she'd had all day.   I still remember that time so clearly.  It's hard to think that this little boy is now going to school.  It's difficult to see that he's growing up.

Don't get me wrong . . . I am glad that he is growing up.  That is better than any alternative, I KNOW, but my Sam is really getting left behind and that upsets me.    

Unsuccessful Second Month of TTC

So . . .

My cycle, which was consistent between 27 and 30 days for almost a year is getting funky again.  Or I had perhaps another near-pregnancy. 34 days long this time!  If it was "normal", then I ovulated later than I thought was going to, and our baby dancing was too early (six-ish days before, which is not impossible, but at our ages, maybe so.)   Maybe I was "normal" because I was in another state/area of the country, and now we're back to the Midwest - and that makes all the difference for me?  I don't know.   I am trying so hard not to be superstitious, but that's hard to do actually.

Some more of our worries not concerning TTC have been resolved, so maybe we will have more time and energy for "having fun" this coming month.   We'll see.

Poem I Just Wrote - A Poem to my Tween Self -#1

(Note: I just wrote this.  I have not really attempted to polish it yet.)   

A Poem to my Tween Self - #1

You read books

day and night.

You read stories

to be able to disappear
in time and place

just for a little while.

Other times you try

to write the original stories

that flit through

your mind constantly –

even at school.

You have discovered

Lurlene McDaniel’s early books by now.

You love the melodrama of illness and hospitals,

and of boyfriends dying. 

They are very quick and easy

to read.  You love 
them, but think these things

will never happen

to you.

In your mind, you think you will

grow up and go

to college – maybe major

in meteorology – and someday

in the vague distant future

get married. 

There will be four children –

at least three girls and then

a boy for balance.  You always wanted

a little sister, and Mom told you to have

a daughter someday instead.

You never even have

an inkling

that you might have

two little boys
someday

and that the first very loved

and wanted

baby boy

might die

in the hospital

in the middle of

the night.  

Update

Nope, I was not pregnant . . . but I perhaps I could have been. My period just came a little later.  It could have been super early loss.  I don't know.  I don't know if I wanted to really know, either.  Part of me was very relieved that I wasn't pregnant. (Yet.) Of course, another part of me was really disappointed.

At present, I think I am ovulating now (or did within the last day or two.)   And so the wait begins again.  Except for while writing this, I am going to try not to think about it at all. If it happens, great, and if not, there is always next month.

I kind of want to get another (and probably final) pregnancy over with, too, because I would like to back on my SSRI of choice.   I am convinced that it does help calm my anxiety down, and a calmer mother would be good for our living son and also hopefully future baby.

It is now time for bed.  The last two nights have been trying as my living son has been  up with fevers (that end promptly at 8 am), and unable to sleep well.  He is sleeping now, so I must get some sleep while I can.

Waiting

I am waiting.

Either this is the longest PMS that I have had in a long time (remember, my cycle has been very regular and predictable for almost the last year straight!) or I am pregnant.   I kind of hope that I am pregnant.

On the other hand, this is the first cycle we vaguely tried without really trying.  We did the deed perhaps too early before ovulation.  I am quite sure of when I ovulated because I felt it.  We did the deed nearly five days before.

I also know that it would not be impossible, either.

I am nervous that if I am pregnant, then this pregnancy will end badly.   My first two pregnancies that were on the first tries did.     However, this baby would have been conceived in Arizona, and the one other pregnancy that was Arizona conceived turned out very well (even though he is in a very whiny and mischievious time of life right now . . . he is honestly very trying right now.)

I have been nauseous and  for three days straight.   No period yet.

Catching Up

Wow.  It has been two months since I last posted here.  I do have another "normal" blog . . . and I did the A to Z Blog Challenge during the month of April.   I even posted about Sam.  It felt good to do so, but I didn't post about him every day.  


We have not started TTC again yet.   Plans changed yet again.   We are moving back to an area that has a "real" winter.  My husband does not want me to be due during winter again (like with Sam.)  So maybe this upcoming cycle we'll start?   


My last cycle was 30 days long.  Hmm, still very normal since last summer.   

GMA's Three Words

I know that, apparently, ABC's GMA did their live Three Words event.   However, are they still going to accept submissions for non-live viewings?  The reason I ask is that I would like to submit one for April 3.    It will say: "Miss Our Sam".   It will be four years since our little Sam died.


And our little sub baby, N, will be turning two on Friday.  He can say "Sam", and names him every time we show him Sam's pictures.   We don't think N really understands, but he knows about Sam and that is important.

My FB Posts from while Sam was Alive

I really, REALLY wish that I had posted more on FB . . . not a lot of people say that now, but almost five years ago, I wish I had, when it came to Sam.  For myself, and not for anyone else.   We wanted to keep a lot of things private, but I wasn't writing much down, either.  I wish I had written more about what I was feeling and such.   


I reserve copyright for all of the following statements.  I have included the majority of status updates from that time . . . some I left off because they were repetitive, such as checking the radar (that winter was really intense, weather-wise.)
 
December 13, 2007: "has given birth. Wow."
December 14, 2007: "is having success. To say how would be TMI." [Successfully pumping!]
December 17, 2007: "is hopeful."
December 18, 2007: "is relieved."  [That is the day of Sam's first surgery . . . his Norwood, etc.]
December 20, 2007: "does not like to watch Teletubbies, which is on in the waiting room."
December 25, 2007: "trying to have a good Christmas." [Sam was on ECMO.]
December 27, 2007: "wishes she knew influencial political people so her inlaws could get travel visas."
December 30, 2007: "is relieved that Sam is doing okay." [They got him off ECMO.]
January 2, 2008: "is going to pump in a few minutes."

January 2, 2008: "is watching Supernanny."

January 3, 2008: "is slightly worried."

January 4, 2008: "is very jealous that Kelly just used all 7 letters in scrabulous."
January 8, 2008: "sent her husband on his way to his Philly and Baltimore interviews. She wishes she could have gone with him."
January 10, 2008: "ate a chicken and lettuce sandwich for lunch."
Jauary 11, 2008: "has a beautiful baby, though she is thoroughly biased." 
January 12, 2008: "misses her husband."
January 31, 2008: "is cross-stitching Pooh."

February 3, 2008: "does not like infections like staph."

February 5, 2008: "will check the radar. And already voted this morning."

February 8, 2008: "is obsessed with food again. This is bad."

February 11, 2008: "has set her phone to vibrating butt."

[They really didn't want cell phones on in the PSHU, for one thing. Another was that out of the hospital, I needed to be available at all times, in case the hospital called.  This turned out to be very important in the end . . . in the end of Sam's fight for his life.  They did call us to come in the middle of the night. That is truly a call no one wants to ever receive.]

February 16, 2008: "is listening to her husband play Moonlight Sonata on the piano."

February 23, 2008: "will not update her status at this moment."

March 1, 2008: "is mad about saffron. . . and has to be careful not to stain the countertop."

March 3, 2008: "just wants to curl up in a ball."

March 4, 2008: "is overwhelmed with generosity."
March 7, 2008: "has a big birthday wish."

March 9, 2008: "has two birthday wishes actually."

March 13, 2008: "is thinking about the Match."

March 16, 2008: "is counting down - 11 hours."

March 17, 2008: ". . . YAY! B matched! We have to wait almost three more days for where!"

March 19, 2008: "is going to be like Anne Shirley Blythe. . .Mrs. Dr."

March 20, 2008: "will be moving to Arizona."

April 1, 2008: " is rather tired."

April 1, 2008: "is watching a Proms concert from 2000 on the Arts Channel, and thinking about Sam's lush eyelashes."

[Sam died early in the morning on April 3, 2008.   I posted on facebook that i was "just sad".  I later deleted the post.  I then posted the following six days later when I was scarfing through entire package of cookies and chips if I could get my hands on them.  Some people can't eat when going through such an ordeal.  ALL I could think about was food - where, when and how.  I am very much an emotional eater.]

April 9, 2008: "is very sad and just wants to eat."

Comments on Fetal Echoes

So . . . in another part of my life (one of my music groups), I was talking last week to a woman who is an ultrasound tech (and specifically performs fetal echocardiograms.)   When I said that with my pregnancy with Nick that I was upset that my original OB  thought we needed to wait until at least 22 weeks to do a fetal echo, but I insisted that it could be done earlier, she was surprised.   We did have it done at exactly 16 weeks, and she was surprised when I told her that, too.   She said that is really early.   I practically retorted that we could have gotten it done in Chicago at 15 weeks.  She seemed really surprised by that.   I also found out that she works for the other pediatric cardiology group in town than the one we eventually had the appointment with at 16 weeks.  I had talked with this group that she now works for, and yes, they were very reluctant to do a fetal echo earlier - they wanted to wait until 18 weeks.   I don't think MY heart could have taken another two weeks! 


All of this is rather ridiculous in that CHOP in Pennsylvania can do them as early as 12 weeks. 
http://www.chop.edu/service/cardiac-center/our-services/fetal-heart-program.html
 Even the group in Chicago that cared for our Sam could probably do them that early, although they still don't advertise that.   They still say 15 weeks. http://www.thic.com/fetalechocard.htm  Northwestern does them at 16-18 weeks gestation. http://www.nwcchd.com/cardiactesting.php#fetal That seems late - at least for HLHS.  Yes, I know they can't even really see images of some structures of the heart until even after the baby is born (why we had an echo on N after he was born), but they can most certainly tell early on if it appears the baby has two entire ventricles!  


It was such a relief to know that his heart appeared to be healthy  . . . or at the least, had nothing majorly wrong with it at that point in time!  

Things N Says

My little smarty-pants 23 month old talks up a storm, so to speak.  Only we don't always understand him.  I might recognize one word out of every seven, particularly if he is very excited.  However, the other day, he found a cup, held it up to me, and said rather emphatically, "I need some milk!"  Usually, he speaks in one or two work phrases, so this was quite impressive.   


It is also fun when he "reads" Goodnight, Moon to himself or, now, to me.   He says lines such as "Hello moon" and "All gone, moon."    It's very sweet to listen to.  He really gets into it.  


He says "thank you" frequently.   Next we need to work on adding "please" to his vocabulary!

Waiting another couple of months. . .

As much as I'd like to be pregnant again, we are waiting another couple of months.  There are some factors to this decision that I will not completely go into right now, but a less personal reason is that I am running my very first 5k race in a couple of weeks.  This is an amazing thing for me.  My modest goal is to finish it, and maybe not come in last.   I can run (with some periods of walking) 5k in about 45 minutes.   Today I hardly did a mile because allergy congestion (coupled with dust in the air) prevented it.  It is a hope that this will not prove to be an issue for me on the morning of the race.  


The race will take place two days after N's second birthday! 

Cycles

In thinking about getting ready to conceive again (hopefully our final and successful attempt to complete our family. . . there is another child waiting for us, I know), I thought I would post about my cycles as of late.  


When I have been somewhat regular in terms of timing of my cycles, they have been 31 to 32 days long (with some variations, usually longer).  In August, I got my period several days ahead of when I expected to get my period.  I did the math, and I was exactly 28 days - four weeks - after my previous period!    Wow!  I have never been that "normal" while not on birth control.    


The thought that passed through my mind was that it might be a fluke.  Now, I am not so sure about that.  August, September, October, November, December and now January, I have gotten my period every 28 or 29 days.  Really, I have never been so regular for so long! 


I am trying not to get my hopes up, but this will make it somewhat easier if we try to start trying to conceive again in the next few months.