Here is the post I just posted on MISS. . .
"First, I braved high winds (but got home before the dust storm moved in), traffic, crowds and did a little shopping. Besides food, I didn't buy much. I don't know why, but I was drawn to a display of small snowman ornaments with names on them. I have never actually looked for Sam on any of the name things because I always think that like my name and my husband's, we'll never find Samyar on anything "personalized". However, I thought I would look to see if my nieces' or nephew's names were on any of them as they have more "standard" names.
The whole display was rather out of order. . . and suddenly I found myself looking at an ornament, in the wrong place alphabetically, that said "Sam". I gasped. We called him Sam, and I had never thought of looking for anything that said Sam only. And then I really gasped. Right next the Sam ornament is a single ornament bearing the name (well, the shorter version of it we've been calling him already in private) that we have chosen for our new little one. It is not near Sam in the alphabet, and was not in the right place in the display, either. They were just hanging right next to each other. Impulsively I bought both of them. It just felt so right. Like a sign. They are going to go on our tree. . . except. . . we may hide the one (maybe on the back of the tree) with the new baby's name when people come (even my parents) because we're not sharing his name yet!
Then when I got home, I checked the mail and found we'd received my grandpa's Christmas letter. He is 87 years old, but really doing very well. His letter was well-written, etc. Except he mentioned the birth of his 4th great-grandchild (my cousin's daughter). I caught that right away. 4th?????? My Sam is his 4th great-grandchild!!! Cousin's daughter is his 5th great-grandchild. My new little one is his 6th! I feel so incredibly hurt by this. After having such a neat experience with the name ornaments, I think it hit me even harder than it might have.
We're starting to mark the two-year mark for things with Sam (two years ago tomorrow Sam's pressure dropped out when they were inserting a tube to drain his lung - they didn't know at the time that it was just a small, practically non-functional lung without fluid, just looked like there was fluid on x-ray, he was resuscitated, and put on ECMO for four days, right over Christmas).
I think overall, I have been having a "better" holiday season this year than last year, but right now, I am also starting to get panicked that something is going to happen yet this December. Last year I miscarried on Christmas, too, so I am just nervous. Trying not to be superstitious.
Thank you for letting me share."
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