Just need to vent

I am just feeling down. I think I ovulated either today or yesterday (based on a variety of symptoms) and we haven't had sexual relations in almost four days. Was that too early? On the other hand, it might work better to conceive a girl (I still want a little girl - healthy, too, of course - that goes without saying). You know, a healthy boy would be wonderful, too. Anway, I don't know if my husband will be have enough energy for sex tonight. I don't want to push or force. Maybe we just let it be, and if we conceive, we conceive this month, and if not, we try again next month. I am nervous about the possibility of not getting pregnant until March or April - the dute date would be around Sam's due date, and I don't know if I really want that. Still, if I would get through the Christmas concerts I'll be in before a baby is born, that wouldn't be horrible, either. But I do want a healthy baby before this next Christmas! Oh, so much to think about and consider.

And I just wish my Samnini was here. Yes, I know his spirit is around me, but that isn't the same thing at all. I want him here wobbling around with little wobbly steps, trying to wobble up the stairs. We'd have a gate on the stairs to stop him from doing that. We'd have to pack up our little things - like my minitature tea sets - so that he wouldn't be eating the little parts. I would be taking him to "mommy and me" swmming classes and when he was a little younger, "mommy and me" yoga. It would have been so, so much fun. Christmas would have be wonderful! He would have been delighted by the Christmas tree, and playing, ripping, eating wrapping paper. We could picture him so clearly on Christmas.

And I am still sad that we had a misscarriage. I haven't let myself think this way until today when I realized that I should be 8 and a half weeks along now. I should have a new little baby's heart beating away in me.