Christmas

Whew. . . it is the evening of December 26. Last year at this time, my husband and I were at the emergency department of a local hospital. The day before, Christmas Day, I had had some little spotting, but mostly major cramping. I knew that I was miscarrying, because my pregnancy with Sam had never felt like that. But, I wanted to think that the pregnancy was fine. . . until fairly intense bleeding began around lunchtime on the 26th. Still, I held onto hope, because right before heading to the hospital, I got a positive hpt. No, my hormones were just high enough to give the positive, but the pregnancy was pretty much gone.

I have been in part dreading Christmas this year, thinking that something horrible would happen with our current little one. . . well, the 26th is almost over, and N is kicking me. He reminds me regularly now, reminding me that he is here and doing fine.

Christmas was laid back and relaxed. We played our new Wii games. My husband got me Wii Fit. . . which I've been wanting. Yes, I am being careful! I am right at the beginning of the third trimester! Only about 11 or 12 more weeks. Soon the weeks will be down to single digits! Hard to believe.

On Christmas Eve, we went to the midnight service. At the end, everyone gathered outside with lit candles to sing Silent Night, which I'd also been dreading. It is the one Christmas song that makes me cry since the Christmas with Sam. I almost started crying, and then in that moment N kicked me really hard. . . and I smiled and almost burst out in a crying laugh. He wanted me to make sure I remembered he was there, too!

Variety of Experieneces/Feelings Today

Here is the post I just posted on MISS. . .

"First, I braved high winds (but got home before the dust storm moved in), traffic, crowds and did a little shopping. Besides food, I didn't buy much. I don't know why, but I was drawn to a display of small snowman ornaments with names on them. I have never actually looked for Sam on any of the name things because I always think that like my name and my husband's, we'll never find Samyar on anything "personalized". However, I thought I would look to see if my nieces' or nephew's names were on any of them as they have more "standard" names.

The whole display was rather out of order. . . and suddenly I found myself looking at an ornament, in the wrong place alphabetically, that said "Sam". I gasped. We called him Sam, and I had never thought of looking for anything that said Sam only. And then I really gasped. Right next the Sam ornament is a single ornament bearing the name (well, the shorter version of it we've been calling him already in private) that we have chosen for our new little one. It is not near Sam in the alphabet, and was not in the right place in the display, either. They were just hanging right next to each other. Impulsively I bought both of them. It just felt so right. Like a sign. They are going to go on our tree. . . except. . . we may hide the one (maybe on the back of the tree) with the new baby's name when people come (even my parents) because we're not sharing his name yet!

Then when I got home, I checked the mail and found we'd received my grandpa's Christmas letter. He is 87 years old, but really doing very well. His letter was well-written, etc. Except he mentioned the birth of his 4th great-grandchild (my cousin's daughter). I caught that right away. 4th?????? My Sam is his 4th great-grandchild!!! Cousin's daughter is his 5th great-grandchild. My new little one is his 6th! I feel so incredibly hurt by this. After having such a neat experience with the name ornaments, I think it hit me even harder than it might have.

We're starting to mark the two-year mark for things with Sam (two years ago tomorrow Sam's pressure dropped out when they were inserting a tube to drain his lung - they didn't know at the time that it was just a small, practically non-functional lung without fluid, just looked like there was fluid on x-ray, he was resuscitated, and put on ECMO for four days, right over Christmas).

I think overall, I have been having a "better" holiday season this year than last year, but right now, I am also starting to get panicked that something is going to happen yet this December. Last year I miscarried on Christmas, too, so I am just nervous. Trying not to be superstitious.

Thank you for letting me share."

Some Thoughts

1) I have been having insomnia every morning at 4 am since Monday. Baby is always moving then, some back pain, and this morning, severe heartburn for the first time.

2) I didn't have these issues this early with my pregnancy with Sam.

3) N has grown even since Tuesday. He was moving a lot today. I think he's now laying across right above my belly button - head on one side, butt on the other, with his hands and feet punching and dancing on my bladder. Again.

4) My husband pointed out last night that I have been smiling and laughing a whole lot more often since this pregnancy started. He said that he can tell that I am much happier than I was when I wasn't pregnant.

5) My parents have offered to buy a crib for us when they come in a couple of weeks. I am very happy about this, because I was worried. They almost bought us a crib almost two years ago. . . but then we kept saying, let's wait and see when Sam gets to come home with us. I am glad in retrospect that we did not have to dis-assemble a crib in the end.

6) The Pooh cross-stitch that I have been working on is getting closer to completion! Yay! I've been rather obsessively working on it.

7) I am continuing my other "nesting" as well. I am trying to get anything extraneous out of our apartment, so the baby has a little room.

26 Weeks - OB appt

N is doing so well. . . and bouncing on my bladder currently! Today at the OB appt, his heartrate was about 153. Perfect!! My uterus is getting close to my ribs, and I think this is what is messing with my breathing in the last few days. I definitely feel N on my left side, well-above my belly button. This is a new development since last week! The OB thinks he has had a growth spurt. According to the office scale, I have gained four lbs in four weeks. That is perfect.

N kicked right at the doppler probe. I felt it, and the OB asked, "Did you hear that kick?"

I am also a little scared because things seem to be going so well.

I will have another ultrasound in about two weeks.

Almost 26 Weeks into Sub Pregnancy

It is Monday. I will be 26 weeks tomorrow. On Wednesday, I have an OB appointment. I have the orange glucose drink that I am supposed to take before leaving for the appointment. . . it is already time for my one-hour glucose!! It is hard to believe. During the last month, I have been really very busy, and that has been good, actually.

Baby N continues to grow. Despite the anterior placenta, he's big enough now that I feel him move often. Everyone is informing me that I finally "look" pregnant. During the last two nights, N has woken me up with his wiggling, jiggling, kicking and punching. Early this morning, he woke me up at 3 and 4 am, and then again at 6 pm. He's going to have his days and nights mixed up when he's born! N's dad has felt him kick several times, too - including during this morning's 6 am session. I am rather tired today as a result. I may take a nap!

I've still been craving apples, beef and now Trader Joe's Thai Rice Stick noodles. Rice itself is rather a turn off, as is lettuce. These are things I normally like, even desire, so it feels a little odd.

I've been working on the Pook cross stitch "birth announcement" that I started back when Sam was in the hospital. I never got it finished then - I only mostly finished Pooh, but not any more of it. I am getting close to completing it. My mom originally bought the kit. She thinks it would be lovely if I'd use it for this baby. That is the plan!

Sam's 2nd Birthday

Today is Sam's second birthday. I left home for the afternoon. My husband was not able to take today off work like he was able to last year. . . and I didn't want to be at home watching the clock. Sam was born at 3:38 pm central time. I went to a mall, walked, went to B&N to finish up Christmas shopping for my niece and nephew. Outside I realized it must be getting close to the time, and pulled out my cell phone. The time on the phone was exactly 3:38 pm central. I took a deep breath, whispered "I love you, Samnini. Happy birthday."

I then went to a grocery store where I picked up a few things, including a cake mix (one of the rainbow sprinkle kind), to donate to a local food bank drive.

Missing Sam While Now Enjoying My Pregnancy with N

This morning N has been "rocking and rolling" inside me. I ate more apple this morning . . . he seems to love apple. Can he taste it?

Even while I enjoy and even rejoice every time I feel N move, I sometimes miss my little Sam even more. I even find myself wanting to call this baby Sam, and I immediately correct myself. This baby is not Sam. I am feeling so hopeful now, after being so guarded and scared earlier in pregnancy, that we WILL get to bring this baby home. I will admit finally that I have been in full nesting mode already. I want to get our apartment fully prepared for the baby. Right now. I feel like I am living for the moment we will hopefully get to have with this little guy that we never had the opportunity to experience with Sam. Walking in our front door with a baby.

At this point two years ago, I was starting to have a few very irregular contractions (Braxton-Hicks). Sam's second birthday is in less than two weeks. I knew it would start to get harder again on the countdown to his birthday, but it's just a such a mix of emotions entering the third trimester of this pregnancy at the exact same time!