MTHFR Mutation?

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2908276/ I have not been tested, but I wonder if in part there is a connection . . . with N, I was taking lots of extra folic acid before he was even conceived. Should I be tested before we try again?

N at 19 months

Today N is 19 months old. In only five more months, we will be celebrating his 2nd birthday. It is hard to imagine.

Among his favorite foods is plain greek yogurt. He loves it and begs for more. Last week, his dad gave him a Cheeto. N discovered that he also loves processed foods with MSG and and other dubious ingredients.

As N grows older, I miss his older brother even more, if possible. Sam would be almost four years old now, and N could have been expending his incredible amounts of energy chasing after his big brother.

We participated in the Wave of Light again last night. I will post a photo of our candles soon . . . I have so much to write tonight, but my living little second son is constantly hungry, and is demanding more "num-num!!"

Lawsuit Ads

A few of these ads existed on the internet three years ago, but always in conjunction with Paxil (one of the SSRI family of drugs.)

About two months ago, I was shocked by the ads I started seeing on occasion on tv (and I don't even watch tv much anymore because N knows how to change the channels!) The ad first caught my attention not when they mentioned more SSRIs such as Prozac (fluoxetine), but when they mentioned Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome in conjunction with not just Paxil but with fluoxetine. I was really shocked. Part of me said this: "Maybe it wasn't all just in my head!"

I told my husband about it. I think he is still somewhat tempted to go after someone, but then later, it just gets too upsetting to think about.

Kindness Project Day

The MISS Foundation is having a Kindness Project Day on July 27.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kindness-Project-tm-from-the-MISS-Foundation/120389111377780

I still haven't figured out what my personal project is yet. Any ideas?

Feeling Guilty

It's been a while since I last posted here. Life has been busy. This is a good thing, but sometimes I feel like complaining, especially when it comes to N, and then I feel guilty.

I love my healthy little son (who isn't so little - 40% for weight, and 75% for height!) but sometimes the sleep issues and his fighting of sleep have made me quite "complainy". I then feel guilty. We are really so lucky to be able to conceive and then have this perfect little boy. He has a smile that every woman he looks at thinks is the best smile they have ever seen . . . and he is excellent with flirting! Oh, no!

My spouse lends to feelings of guilt. He feels guilty every time I post a picture of N on Facebook, or focus my status updates on issues and/or accomplishments of N. We have at least two, maybe three, couple friends (in real life, not just online life) who are having trouble having a baby. Two of them are apparently able to conceive, but have experienced multiple miscarriages. We are not sure if a third couple is trying to conceive or not. . . my spouse suspects this is the case, and maybe that is why they've distanced themselves from us. I don't know. They told us at one point that they like being an aunt and uncle (biologically and/or honorary), but I just don't know now.

My spouse says he remembers how it felt three years ago when people posted stuff about their kids, while all we had was the memory of our dead baby. Therefore, in respect to other people and their feelings, he posts very little on his facebook concerning N. And is sometimes highly uncomfortable with the amount I post.

In my defense, I DO NOT post every day about N on my facebook. It is more like every other day in reality. I also post about the weather (hot, dry), genealogy, etc.

It is precisely because of our experience with Sam that I post about N as much as I do. It is really a wonder and joy that we have the opportunity to experience all we do with N! And I want to share!

That said, I do still remember important Sam dates on Facebook, and recognize others who might not be experiencing such happy times. We are in the process of the 4-year Sam anniversaries. It is still hard. I still have Babycenter telling me where a 3.5 year old should be developmentally. I can't bring myself to take him off of there.

So - the question is. . . do I stop posting pictures of N on Facebook? Do I stop mentioning him in status updates, celebrating his wonderful achievements? His annoying sleep habits? Perhaps I should post to all of my facebook friends to let me know if they want to get notification of N-related posts . . . and then I could lock each of these to just very specific people. Is this a good idea?

If you have any advice, please comment.

My post to a question Anne Rice asked on Facebook

Anne Rice (author of the Vampire Chronicles, etc) asked on Facebook if readers would post their thoughts/experiences on the health care system in the US. Here is what I posted:

"I feel that coverage for everyone is important, as well no limits on "lifetime benefits". I've had moderate to severe asthma most of my life, and when I was age 11, my parents starting talking to me every so often about how I needed to ha...ve a good career with good group health insurance benefits when I "grew up", because there was no way that I would ever qualify for health insurance on my own. I think this really scared them. I was fortunately able to do just that. However, my first son was born with severe heart and lung defects. . . we were able to add him to both of our insurance companies. . . when he died at almost 4 months old (he was our little fighter!), he'd just about maxed out his lifetime benefits for his primary insurance, well on the way of maxing out the secondary insurance. Parents should not have to ever be in that kind of position!"

4th of July and Boston Med (HLHS)

I know where I was and who I was with most of my life on every 4th of July. . . and I just remembered that three years ago, my DH and I were living back in Illinois, and we took our little grill and cooked out near Lake Michigan (boy, I really miss the lake). We watched the fireworks from there, too. I remember being worried that the noise would hurt the baby. Other than that, we were surpremely happy. My all-day sickness had finally abated mostly, and I was just starting to feel the baby oh, so occaisonally. We were looking forward to seeing our baby. It was a month later that we found out that Sam had HLHS (but didn't know about his other problems yet).

And then a couple of nights ago, my husband and I started watching Boston Med. This was in part because apparently my husband accidently walked in on a film crew from the show when he was at work sometime in the last couple of months. (They followed up a doctor who was in Boston and then moved here.) We had to turn it off after the first 15 minutes or so.

They followed a couple whose first baby was also diagnosed with HLHS in utero. We were somewhat okay with this until the mom said that her son's name was Sam. I started crying and my husband turned off the tv. I was fine with that, until my curiousity got the best of me. . . I had to look them up online to "see what happened".

I have to be honest. . . I was rather hoping their Sam would die, too. (Apparently he's gone through the first two surgeries - the Norwood and the Glenn- and has done well since his birth, etc, was filmed last year.) I felt and still feel so guilty for hoping that. I asked my husband - "Why do THEY get to keep their Sam and we don't?? And why didn't they feature a baby with HLHS who doesn't make it?"

My husband oh so helpfully pointed out that because it's a 'reality' medical show, it's going to be "cheesy" -- they are not going to feature a baby who eventually dies because more defects, such as a non-functioning lung, aren't discovered until he's six weeks old, or die from bleed-outs after procedures (like OUR Sam).

Thanks, I feel a little better now.