Day 37

Okay, it is officially CD 37.  My basal temp (which I don't do often anymore, but have this week) was 99.1F this morning, with previous numbers being 98.8 and 98.9F in the last couple of mornings.   I don't usually go this high unless I am truly pregnant.  Or have a virus, in which case, I usually go higher.  With my thyroid replacement, my bbt's ae usually in the low to mid 97F range. 

I haven't taken a hpt in two days.  Maybe tomorrow or Sunday morning.  I don't want to be disappointed. 

My areolas are darker than normal, too.  

Waiting not so patiently

My current cycle has been almost 5 weeks long - so far.  Today is CD 35.   

My thoughts so far:

1) I didn't ovulate at the time I thought I did.  (CD 18)

2) I didn't ovulate at all. 

3) Maybe actually pregnant but no positive pregnancy test yet. (Have only taken the one, at 3 am this morning.  Not even a so-called evap line. I've never gotten an evap line in my life.  The one time I thought I did, it turns out I was technically pregnant.) 

4) Another chemical pregnancy?  Despite the lack of a positive test.

I am getting old.  I don't know if I can really achieve another pregnancy or if it will be successful.

I am not so patient.  Seriously, if my period is going to come, it should come already!

Chemical Pregnancy in March/April

So faint positive pregnancy tests at the very beginning of April, and then horrible cramps, but very abreviated period.  Took another pregnancy test.  Solid positive.   Went in for bHCG at what would have been five weeks.  35.4.  Too low, but officially pregnant.  Went in two days later.  It went up a whole 4 tenths of a point to 35.9.

It was a chemical pregnancy. Which means a very early miscarriage.  Probably is was chromosomal or it couldn't implant correctly. 

Believing in Relaxation to Acheive Pregnancy

The following  article is from April of last year: 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2316986/Relax-just-dont-think-it-happen-There-words-infuriating-woman-trying-conceive-just-true-says-Ashley-Pearson.html

I found it while searching for how to relax to achieve pregnancy.

As you probably already know, I have been pregnant at least four times, and have one living child.  Every time I have gotten pregnant, it has been during the one cycle I have been "relaxed".   The first month we didn't prevent, I conceived and we had Sam.  The first month we didn't prevent after his death, I conceived (and miscarried early).  I was very relaxed then.   And then I became very hyper about conceiving each month.  I was doing my basal temps each morning, and on and on.  And then the OB told us to take a month off and just have "fun".  I think I calmed down and relaxed - and I even did some strenuous workouts, etc.   And boom, I was pregnant.  It was a successful pregnancy.  When we started trying again in 2012, I didn't think it would take until August 2013 to conceive again.  And again, we had said that we were taking that month "off".  I was pretty relaxed, too.  And it happened.  I know that there are many, many women who don't want to hear this, but it seriously works for me.

The problem for me is that I don't know, generally, how to stop thinking about conceiving during any given month.  It's just very difficult to turn that off in my mind.   I think maybe I need to start a new project totally non-related to pregnancy.  What can that be? 

Two days after Thanksgiving (this year), my son and I helped my parents decorate their house for Christmas. In doing so, I got out the creche scene (lots of figures - Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, shepherds, wise men, animals, and the barn) that has been in our family for over thirty years. It has been a long time since I was the one to take it out of the packaging. My parents still keep it the rest of the year in the same box my grandparents mailed it in the Christmas when I was four. When I was little, I was fascinated with this set up. I put a lot of thought of into it each year - where each figure should be. This year, I let my 3 and three quarters year old help me, and somewhere he found an angel figure (doesn't belong with the set) - and suddenly it was just baby Jesus and the angel in the barn. No one else. I don't consider myself particularly religious, so that's not why I felt like crying. It reminded me more of my older son, the one who was newborn and alive six years ago now (even though Christmas he was on ECMO, and things were looking iffy.) Six years ago my older son was alive. By the Christmas five years ago, he was was not. So, I guess what I am trying to say, is that sometimes, it IS hard to try to create memories for my living son . . . but we've also put up our own tree, we've made cookies, and we've visited Santa (even though most of my own memories of sitting on Santa's lap include sheer terror). He's helped me wrap gifts for other people, and is valiantly trying not to share secrets! I loved wrapping gifts with wrapping paper since I was little (my mom let me wrap anything that wasn't for me for years. It was so SO much fun!) So yes, I am trying to create great memories for my son.

Back to normal?

So, I had my first period exactly 30 days after my actual miscarriage, despite the slowly decreasing hcg levels, which was pretty darn normal. 

And then this last cycle was textbook "normal".  28 days long, with ovulation around around CD 14.

I'd still like to be pregnant again.

Finally . . . sigh.

My doctor called Tuesday, and then my phone died completely. I had that phone for over four years. It was the one I got mere days before I found out I pregnant with N in July 2009.

I got a new phone last night night.  (It is not "smart" as we don't want to pay for data and want to keep the same plan we've had for years. It is just a slightly improved version of the phone I had.  And it is navy - the only color available - so not a fun color.  My old one was orange!)  I listened to my messages.  I wish I had heard my phone ring as it was my OB calling.

After almost two months, my HCG levels were "negative"/"normal."  The doctor said this, and this said, "so, yay?!" He then said he hoped I was okay.

That was really nice, actually.  I have been going in there faithfully for testing, even though we'll owe a lot of money.  We have excellent insurance, but each one of the blood draws requires a co-pay for the lab, and a co-pay for the test itself.  It adds up to a lot of money overall.

The thing is, with miscarriage, you don't want any of the "material" left in there.  If the HCG doesn't come down to "normal" (which is <5), then one has to do something else to expel all of the material.  It took a long time (let's see, I found out two months ago now that I was pregnant, started spotting a bit four days later, actually miscarried on Sept 15, and so on.)  I was surprised.  My body maybe didn't want to let it go.
 
The hcg went from 589 to 291 to 118 to 89 to 21 and finally to 0-5(normal) over the course of seven weeks!   It took a long time to come all the way down.  At 89, my breasts still acted like they were pregnant.  At the higher amounts I still felt woozy and nauseous.  (This was completely unlike my previous miscarriage in late 2008.) 

It is kind of relief now that it is totally over.  I still wonder why it happened, why I am not still pregnant, starting my second trimester and everything, but it is not as intense as it was at first. ( Here is my list of possible reasons: http://samyarsheart.blogspot.com/2013/09/26-reasons-i-just-had-miscarriage.html)

However, I know of people due in April, May (yes, May, when I should have been due) and June.  It might be a difficult time for me next spring.