Kindergarten Registration

A friend of mine whose daughter was born just after Sam died just posted on FB that it was an exciting and bittersweet day in their household because of this:  Kindergarten Registration.  

We should be registering Sam for kindergarten this fall.  Now, that is really bittersweet.  Instead, I am anticipating with dread with the five year anniversary of Sam's death, which will occur early in the morning on April 3.

And it's my birthday today.  I was having a really great birthday, too, until I saw her post.  Usually, FB things don't bother me too much at all lately.   Until this.    I thought I still had until August before I had to anticipate the starting school photos again on FB, but no.  This really threw me for a loop.

Waiting - Again

As we are less than a month from Sam's 5th birthday, I am waiting to see if I could be pregnant.  Tomorrow will be CD 35.   Negative HPTs for the last two mornings.  I am out of tests again.  They were dollar store tests.  I will be buying no more.     Unless I continue not to get my period a number of more days.

I was feeling so smug last cycle after it was so normal, and only 29 days in length (with period exactly 14 days after ovulation.) This 35 day cycle thing is very frustrating.   I thought I ovulated earlier.  It may be that I didn't ovulate at all.   I have no idea at this point in time.  

I have been having some low pelvic cramping.  If I am getting my period, I haven't had PMS this badly since July.

I have also been working out much more frequently in the last month, but remember, back in 2009, my ob at the time told me that exercise shouldn't been an issue unless I am training for a marathon.   Actually it was the cycle that I increased exercise frequency and intensity that I conceived my little N.   The point is that I am not particularly worried about that right now!  

I'm tired of this.  

Capture Your Grief - Project for Infant and Child Loss Month

Day 1: Sunrise (where you live)
(I will have to insert this soon . . .)



Day 2: Self-Portrait Before Loss -
On the left is me on my wedding day.  Sam was born one year and one day later.
On the right, I am 32 weeks along with Sam.   I think I still am happy, because I had a lot of hope for the survival of our baby.

Day 4: Most Treasured Item(s)

Another Month . . .

Waiting to see this cycle.  Any day now.

Last month, I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant, because I knew when I ovulated back near the end of July without doing any BBT charting (and we didn't "have fun" close enough), and I am very sure again this cycle of when I ovulated, based on other things.   I have a good idea anyway.  And it would be entirely possible to get pregnant this cycle.

A few things have happened that have left me wondering that are beyond normal for me (I'm pretty sure, anyway):
- Stabbing pain in my right breast.  (N was weaned well over a year ago, and I don't normally get stabbing pain during normal cycles.)
- Earlier light cramping down there than my normal pms.
- Lightheadness. . .  but that could also be associated with my allergies.  Right now, ragweed and mold are really high, so that can be a normal state for me this time of year.
- Tiredness. . .  but again, allergies.  Ragweed tends to make me feel even depressed.  I am an odd person that actually feels less depressed in the winter because the pollen goes away!
- Even though my cheese allergies don't allow me to eat alfredo sauce often, I can usually eat some just every so often in very small quantities.   Suddenly in the last few days, it smells overwhelmingly like vomit.   Is that normal or not?

It's been at least 10 or 11 days since I ovulated.  I expect my period by Monday at the latest.

School is Starting

At least three of the babies born in the six months before Sam was born are starting Kindergarten.  Two   began today.  Their pictures were posted, eager, newly five years old, going to school.   I held both of them as babies, while I was still pregnant with Sam.   The little boy as a newborn cuddled against Sam in my belly and fell asleep, giving his mom the first break (and quiet) she'd had all day.   I still remember that time so clearly.  It's hard to think that this little boy is now going to school.  It's difficult to see that he's growing up.

Don't get me wrong . . . I am glad that he is growing up.  That is better than any alternative, I KNOW, but my Sam is really getting left behind and that upsets me.    

Unsuccessful Second Month of TTC

So . . .

My cycle, which was consistent between 27 and 30 days for almost a year is getting funky again.  Or I had perhaps another near-pregnancy. 34 days long this time!  If it was "normal", then I ovulated later than I thought was going to, and our baby dancing was too early (six-ish days before, which is not impossible, but at our ages, maybe so.)   Maybe I was "normal" because I was in another state/area of the country, and now we're back to the Midwest - and that makes all the difference for me?  I don't know.   I am trying so hard not to be superstitious, but that's hard to do actually.

Some more of our worries not concerning TTC have been resolved, so maybe we will have more time and energy for "having fun" this coming month.   We'll see.

Poem I Just Wrote - A Poem to my Tween Self -#1

(Note: I just wrote this.  I have not really attempted to polish it yet.)   

A Poem to my Tween Self - #1

You read books

day and night.

You read stories

to be able to disappear
in time and place

just for a little while.

Other times you try

to write the original stories

that flit through

your mind constantly –

even at school.

You have discovered

Lurlene McDaniel’s early books by now.

You love the melodrama of illness and hospitals,

and of boyfriends dying. 

They are very quick and easy

to read.  You love 
them, but think these things

will never happen

to you.

In your mind, you think you will

grow up and go

to college – maybe major

in meteorology – and someday

in the vague distant future

get married. 

There will be four children –

at least three girls and then

a boy for balance.  You always wanted

a little sister, and Mom told you to have

a daughter someday instead.

You never even have

an inkling

that you might have

two little boys
someday

and that the first very loved

and wanted

baby boy

might die

in the hospital

in the middle of

the night.