It's the 10th of June, and Sam would be 18 months old today. That would be so much fun. He'd be getting into absolutely everthing and probably talking up a storm.
*Sigh*
So . . . once again, I am almost a week beyond ovulation. My last cycle was 42 days long, and I don't think i ovulated until day 23 or beyond. This cycle, I used OPKs for the first time, and, I have had other things to think about at the same time. Fertility Friend thinks I ovulated on CD17!!! The would be rather "early", but I got my strongest, definite positive OPK on CD16, and a just positive OPK on CD17 - and CD17 is when my BBT started a slow swing upwards, which is what happened the cycle I conceived Samnini. I am trying not to get excited about and just be a bit optimistic.
Something different, too, is that I am exercising every few days, even during this luteal phase, instead of sitting on my butt doing nothing. I was active during pregnancy and before with Samnini, so I shouldn't worry too much about jiggling the eggs/blasts. . . .
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
One week into new cycle
Okay, I am in my fifth cycle since my miscarriage. After a 42 day cycle, I am hoping that this one will be a bit shorter. As well, I purchased OPKs, which I'll wait to start for at least another six days or so. Otherwise, I feel that I have been worrying TOO MUCH about getting pregnant. I know that it will happen when I am not paying so much attention. I just don't know how to distract myself from thinking about it all the time. I am trying to get back into some moderate exercise, which is helping a bit.
I wrote a poem last night. It's not good, and it has not gone through rigorous editing. I retain all rights to it. It expresses what both my husband and me have been feeling: It's not fair.
It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair
It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not. . . .
What do I do now?
I want a healthy baby here in my arms. It seems
Like everyone else has one. Or two. Or three.
It’s not fair it’s not fair . . . always running
Through my mind.
It’s not fair. My son, my Sam should be here
Toddling ing around getting into things talking and
I’d be the only one who’d understand him at
At 18 months old . . . it’s not fair. . . he should be
Learning to swim and learning to run, looking at books
And begging to be read to. . . it’s not fair. . . he should be
Here
With us
Playing toddler games with his mommy and daddy.
It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair its not fair
I should be starting a third trimester to welcome
Sam’s baby sibling into the world soon.
It’s not fair. . . miscarriage ended that dream. We miss
You dream baby. It’s not fair. . . it’s not fair that we watch
Friends and family bring new babies, healthy babies into
The world and we don’t get to keep one. . . please
Let us have a baby that we can bring home and raise.
We’re loving, we’re ready. . .
It’s just NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wrote a poem last night. It's not good, and it has not gone through rigorous editing. I retain all rights to it. It expresses what both my husband and me have been feeling: It's not fair.
It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair
It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not. . . .
What do I do now?
I want a healthy baby here in my arms. It seems
Like everyone else has one. Or two. Or three.
It’s not fair it’s not fair . . . always running
Through my mind.
It’s not fair. My son, my Sam should be here
Toddling ing around getting into things talking and
I’d be the only one who’d understand him at
At 18 months old . . . it’s not fair. . . he should be
Learning to swim and learning to run, looking at books
And begging to be read to. . . it’s not fair. . . he should be
Here
With us
Playing toddler games with his mommy and daddy.
It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair its not fair
I should be starting a third trimester to welcome
Sam’s baby sibling into the world soon.
It’s not fair. . . miscarriage ended that dream. We miss
You dream baby. It’s not fair. . . it’s not fair that we watch
Friends and family bring new babies, healthy babies into
The world and we don’t get to keep one. . . please
Let us have a baby that we can bring home and raise.
We’re loving, we’re ready. . .
It’s just NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
What helped/didn't help in our experience with Sam
This is a post I just made in response to a question on the MISS forum about what helped and didn't help when our baby died:
"In my case, my Sam was not born still (although we'd been told that might happen because of his heart, etc - that wasn't the case though. . . he thrived in utero), but here are some of my thoughts:
1) I loved when the hospital put his footprints on a hat for me right away when he was born.
2) When Sam died, I loved that his nurses offerred to make molds of his hands. They only had enough for his hands and not his feet, but because we had his footprints, I was surprisingly okay with that. They also prepared a memory box for us. . . in which they put a lock of Sam's hair (he had lots of it!), and the last little outfit he wore.
3) While Sam was alive, he never got to leave the hospital. Because of the vent, the nurses didn't like to dress him over his head. . . we found a kimono style side close outfit and were very proud of ourselves. This was put on him regularly. . . and then one day he was sent for a procedure, and the nurse didn't undress him before taking him down. They CUT off the outfit!! It was in shreds. When I heard that, I went ballistic! Sam's doctor yelled at me for crying hysterically about this. I had to try to explain how symbollic this particular thing was. I already intrinsically knew he were never be coming home, that I would never get to dress him in as many cute outfits as I wanted to. It still makes me cry to think of this particular event. I know that I "should be happy" that I got that time with Sam alive, but even still . . .
4) When Sam died, I did not like or even really appreciate that people sent us "dead flowers" (cut/arranged). I did appreciate those who got the message, and gave us live/living plants (our favorite was the Peace Plant). We still have these, and I do my best to keep them alive, too.
5) What was not helpful was looking for a in-person support group. We tried one, where my husband and I were the only ones there. The second one that we were referred to was almost all parents of babies born still or babies who died very shortly after birth. Frankly, people were jealous we got to hold Sam alive. Then we moved to another state. The only in-person support groups I've found locally are either pregnancy loss/born still groups, or Compassionate Friends, and when I talked to one of the leaders, she said her child was the youngest death in the group at 2+ years old. She said we could come, but we probably wouldn't fit in. This is all why MISS online IS my support group at this time. It's been very upsetting that we just don't "fit in" anywhere! Very frustrating. . .
6) Insurance issues. . . we "pre-registered" at the hospital I had Sam in, and we gave them both my insurance info and my husband's secondary insurance info. When I went in to have Sam, they said they didn't have any of our information, and refused to take my husband's at that point. It became a huge mess in the long run. . . which we were still dealing with a little as a month ago (with a couple of bills, still) . . . one year after Sam died. We THINK it's finally all taken care, fingers crossed!
7) Sam's surgeon completely ignored us right after Sam died, but we were still on the unit, and he was there on rounds. Most of the other doctors and some of the nurses came in to express their condolences, etc, but the surgeon would not even look our way. We noticed. My husband was very angry about this, actually.
I probably have more thoughts. . . but these are the major things for now. "
"In my case, my Sam was not born still (although we'd been told that might happen because of his heart, etc - that wasn't the case though. . . he thrived in utero), but here are some of my thoughts:
1) I loved when the hospital put his footprints on a hat for me right away when he was born.
2) When Sam died, I loved that his nurses offerred to make molds of his hands. They only had enough for his hands and not his feet, but because we had his footprints, I was surprisingly okay with that. They also prepared a memory box for us. . . in which they put a lock of Sam's hair (he had lots of it!), and the last little outfit he wore.
3) While Sam was alive, he never got to leave the hospital. Because of the vent, the nurses didn't like to dress him over his head. . . we found a kimono style side close outfit and were very proud of ourselves. This was put on him regularly. . . and then one day he was sent for a procedure, and the nurse didn't undress him before taking him down. They CUT off the outfit!! It was in shreds. When I heard that, I went ballistic! Sam's doctor yelled at me for crying hysterically about this. I had to try to explain how symbollic this particular thing was. I already intrinsically knew he were never be coming home, that I would never get to dress him in as many cute outfits as I wanted to. It still makes me cry to think of this particular event. I know that I "should be happy" that I got that time with Sam alive, but even still . . .
4) When Sam died, I did not like or even really appreciate that people sent us "dead flowers" (cut/arranged). I did appreciate those who got the message, and gave us live/living plants (our favorite was the Peace Plant). We still have these, and I do my best to keep them alive, too.
5) What was not helpful was looking for a in-person support group. We tried one, where my husband and I were the only ones there. The second one that we were referred to was almost all parents of babies born still or babies who died very shortly after birth. Frankly, people were jealous we got to hold Sam alive. Then we moved to another state. The only in-person support groups I've found locally are either pregnancy loss/born still groups, or Compassionate Friends, and when I talked to one of the leaders, she said her child was the youngest death in the group at 2+ years old. She said we could come, but we probably wouldn't fit in. This is all why MISS online IS my support group at this time. It's been very upsetting that we just don't "fit in" anywhere! Very frustrating. . .
6) Insurance issues. . . we "pre-registered" at the hospital I had Sam in, and we gave them both my insurance info and my husband's secondary insurance info. When I went in to have Sam, they said they didn't have any of our information, and refused to take my husband's at that point. It became a huge mess in the long run. . . which we were still dealing with a little as a month ago (with a couple of bills, still) . . . one year after Sam died. We THINK it's finally all taken care, fingers crossed!
7) Sam's surgeon completely ignored us right after Sam died, but we were still on the unit, and he was there on rounds. Most of the other doctors and some of the nurses came in to express their condolences, etc, but the surgeon would not even look our way. We noticed. My husband was very angry about this, actually.
I probably have more thoughts. . . but these are the major things for now. "
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Cycle Day 41. . .
All I want to do is get pregnant and then have a relatively healthy baby. Is that so hard?
Apparently so.
I am STILL on my fourth cycle of trying to conceive since my miscarriage in December. For three cycles, I ovulated around day 18 of my cycle. I had a really long (20 day) luteal phase in February, during which I was very hopeful. This cycle, I THINK I ovulated on day 23 of my cycle, which makes me 18 dpo today. BFN on FRER this morning on SMU. No sign at all of my period. My husband is now actually more hopeful than me that I could be pregnant, because he thinks getting to Day 41 without a period showing is way too long. . . and he, who is usually a doubting medical professional, admitted that sometimes it takes a long time for the hormones to show up in some women. So maybe there is still a chance. In the meantime, I've been having lightheadedness off and on for a number of days now.
I am getting a little frustrated. . . I either want to know I am pregnant or to get my period so that we can move on a try again. I would rather find out that I am pregnant, of course.
Apparently so.
I am STILL on my fourth cycle of trying to conceive since my miscarriage in December. For three cycles, I ovulated around day 18 of my cycle. I had a really long (20 day) luteal phase in February, during which I was very hopeful. This cycle, I THINK I ovulated on day 23 of my cycle, which makes me 18 dpo today. BFN on FRER this morning on SMU. No sign at all of my period. My husband is now actually more hopeful than me that I could be pregnant, because he thinks getting to Day 41 without a period showing is way too long. . . and he, who is usually a doubting medical professional, admitted that sometimes it takes a long time for the hormones to show up in some women. So maybe there is still a chance. In the meantime, I've been having lightheadedness off and on for a number of days now.
I am getting a little frustrated. . . I either want to know I am pregnant or to get my period so that we can move on a try again. I would rather find out that I am pregnant, of course.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day, near the end of another luteal phase, and a dream 12 days ago
Okay, I made it through Mother's Day. Sam would have been 17 months old exactly (yesterday, on Mother's Day). A few friends in real life, and online, remembered me, and let me know they were thinking of me. It was so nice, and so, so appreciated.
It was hard, though, the week coming up to Mother's Day. . . two friends (in other states) had their babies: one, a girl, the second child, and two, a boy, their first. They both posted pictures on FB, and though I wanted to see, I was so incredibly jealous, envious . . . especially of the cute little boy. Why did they get to keep their cute little boy, and we didn't?? Why did they get to hold their little boy right away, and we couldn't because of the breathing tube? It's not fair. . .
So. . . I wasn't sure for a while when I ovulated this cycle. It wasn't on Day 18 like my previous three cycles (when I didn't conceive). Finally my BBTs started going up on Day 24, so, Fertility Friend thinks that I ovulated on Day 23. I mostly concur with that opinion based my mucus.
The morning of Day 24, before I took my temperature (So I still was not aware I'd most likely ovulated in the past 24 hours), I had a VERY vivid dream. I wrote it down when I woke up, in great detail. I dreamed that I had just had a baby and I was very consious, too. In my dream, I had a constant stream of thoughts - such as, "Wow, that pregnancy was so quick!" - and then thinking about how I would phrase my Facebook status announcement about the baby! Then I told my husband to go home and get my laptop and a webcam, so that we could get his parents (who live half a world away) online so they could see the baby immediately! Then I had a precious baby girl in my arms. I was overjoyed in my dream that she was able to latch on and breastfeed immediately. She had dark hair like Sam, but she looked like herself, and maybe even had my eyes (Sam had his dad's eyes). I didn't want to even let her go, even to let my mother hold her (my mom was never permitted to hold Sam - I only got to hold Sam once before he died - the nurses were so afraid of Sam's vent becoming dislodged - I should have been more insistent). My niece was also there in the dream. She never got to meet Sam in person, which is what she wanted most in the world. She was 8, and she'd been waiting for our baby for a long time. She was too young to be permitted up in that section of the hospital. In my dream, I eagerly introduced her to her new little cousin.
It was such a sweet, sweet dream.
I did not remember, though, exactly which day I had the dream, and two days ago, when I was having some very light cramping (which I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Sam), I remembered my dream again, and went back and checked the date of the dream in my journal. . . I had that dream within 24 hours of probable ovulation. Was this a sign? A message? I do hope so. . .
Otherwise I am not having many "symptoms" during this luteal phase. . . with the exception of some lightheadedness and some very light cramping.
It was hard, though, the week coming up to Mother's Day. . . two friends (in other states) had their babies: one, a girl, the second child, and two, a boy, their first. They both posted pictures on FB, and though I wanted to see, I was so incredibly jealous, envious . . . especially of the cute little boy. Why did they get to keep their cute little boy, and we didn't?? Why did they get to hold their little boy right away, and we couldn't because of the breathing tube? It's not fair. . .
So. . . I wasn't sure for a while when I ovulated this cycle. It wasn't on Day 18 like my previous three cycles (when I didn't conceive). Finally my BBTs started going up on Day 24, so, Fertility Friend thinks that I ovulated on Day 23. I mostly concur with that opinion based my mucus.
The morning of Day 24, before I took my temperature (So I still was not aware I'd most likely ovulated in the past 24 hours), I had a VERY vivid dream. I wrote it down when I woke up, in great detail. I dreamed that I had just had a baby and I was very consious, too. In my dream, I had a constant stream of thoughts - such as, "Wow, that pregnancy was so quick!" - and then thinking about how I would phrase my Facebook status announcement about the baby! Then I told my husband to go home and get my laptop and a webcam, so that we could get his parents (who live half a world away) online so they could see the baby immediately! Then I had a precious baby girl in my arms. I was overjoyed in my dream that she was able to latch on and breastfeed immediately. She had dark hair like Sam, but she looked like herself, and maybe even had my eyes (Sam had his dad's eyes). I didn't want to even let her go, even to let my mother hold her (my mom was never permitted to hold Sam - I only got to hold Sam once before he died - the nurses were so afraid of Sam's vent becoming dislodged - I should have been more insistent). My niece was also there in the dream. She never got to meet Sam in person, which is what she wanted most in the world. She was 8, and she'd been waiting for our baby for a long time. She was too young to be permitted up in that section of the hospital. In my dream, I eagerly introduced her to her new little cousin.
It was such a sweet, sweet dream.
I did not remember, though, exactly which day I had the dream, and two days ago, when I was having some very light cramping (which I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Sam), I remembered my dream again, and went back and checked the date of the dream in my journal. . . I had that dream within 24 hours of probable ovulation. Was this a sign? A message? I do hope so. . .
Otherwise I am not having many "symptoms" during this luteal phase. . . with the exception of some lightheadedness and some very light cramping.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Can't Sleep
I can't sleep. It's almost 2 am here, and I am up online, after tosing and turning in bed for almost two hours straight.
This past evening, I just learned that a new acquaintance has a child. . . a 16-month old daughter. Though it would have been even harder to hear that he is a boy, it was hard enough to hear 16 months. That would be my little Samnini's age now. I haven't really been thinking about his age again too much lately, which has been rather nice in a way. . . to take take a break. Luckily she started talking to someone else, so I could just drift away from the conversation, and have some alone time. It just kind of hit me like a brick, to use the cliche.
We've been Baby Dancing this week (the plan is every two days until I am sure I have ovulated). My husband and I talked about this plan since my last cycle didn't pan out - given that I was out of town a month ago! I am trying to be hopeful, and not stress out too much.
I really would have liked to have been pregnant again by now also because my best friend from college just announced she was pregnant with her second. . . and she also really hoped that I would be pregnant two, so we could tell each other at the same time. It WOULD have been so much fun . . .
This past evening, I just learned that a new acquaintance has a child. . . a 16-month old daughter. Though it would have been even harder to hear that he is a boy, it was hard enough to hear 16 months. That would be my little Samnini's age now. I haven't really been thinking about his age again too much lately, which has been rather nice in a way. . . to take take a break. Luckily she started talking to someone else, so I could just drift away from the conversation, and have some alone time. It just kind of hit me like a brick, to use the cliche.
We've been Baby Dancing this week (the plan is every two days until I am sure I have ovulated). My husband and I talked about this plan since my last cycle didn't pan out - given that I was out of town a month ago! I am trying to be hopeful, and not stress out too much.
I really would have liked to have been pregnant again by now also because my best friend from college just announced she was pregnant with her second. . . and she also really hoped that I would be pregnant two, so we could tell each other at the same time. It WOULD have been so much fun . . .
Monday, April 20, 2009
http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/birthdefects/risk/risk-HLHS.shtm
Above is a link to an overview of the medical literature about risk of HLHS. One interesting thing is that it points out that one study found a higher rate of HLHS in eastern Wisconsin than in any other part of the state. Sam was not born or conceived in eastern Wisconsin, but I, his mother, was.
Above is a link to an overview of the medical literature about risk of HLHS. One interesting thing is that it points out that one study found a higher rate of HLHS in eastern Wisconsin than in any other part of the state. Sam was not born or conceived in eastern Wisconsin, but I, his mother, was.
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