Mother's Day, near the end of another luteal phase, and a dream 12 days ago

Okay, I made it through Mother's Day. Sam would have been 17 months old exactly (yesterday, on Mother's Day). A few friends in real life, and online, remembered me, and let me know they were thinking of me. It was so nice, and so, so appreciated.

It was hard, though, the week coming up to Mother's Day. . . two friends (in other states) had their babies: one, a girl, the second child, and two, a boy, their first. They both posted pictures on FB, and though I wanted to see, I was so incredibly jealous, envious . . . especially of the cute little boy. Why did they get to keep their cute little boy, and we didn't?? Why did they get to hold their little boy right away, and we couldn't because of the breathing tube? It's not fair. . .

So. . . I wasn't sure for a while when I ovulated this cycle. It wasn't on Day 18 like my previous three cycles (when I didn't conceive). Finally my BBTs started going up on Day 24, so, Fertility Friend thinks that I ovulated on Day 23. I mostly concur with that opinion based my mucus.

The morning of Day 24, before I took my temperature (So I still was not aware I'd most likely ovulated in the past 24 hours), I had a VERY vivid dream. I wrote it down when I woke up, in great detail. I dreamed that I had just had a baby and I was very consious, too. In my dream, I had a constant stream of thoughts - such as, "Wow, that pregnancy was so quick!" - and then thinking about how I would phrase my Facebook status announcement about the baby! Then I told my husband to go home and get my laptop and a webcam, so that we could get his parents (who live half a world away) online so they could see the baby immediately! Then I had a precious baby girl in my arms. I was overjoyed in my dream that she was able to latch on and breastfeed immediately. She had dark hair like Sam, but she looked like herself, and maybe even had my eyes (Sam had his dad's eyes). I didn't want to even let her go, even to let my mother hold her (my mom was never permitted to hold Sam - I only got to hold Sam once before he died - the nurses were so afraid of Sam's vent becoming dislodged - I should have been more insistent). My niece was also there in the dream. She never got to meet Sam in person, which is what she wanted most in the world. She was 8, and she'd been waiting for our baby for a long time. She was too young to be permitted up in that section of the hospital. In my dream, I eagerly introduced her to her new little cousin.

It was such a sweet, sweet dream.

I did not remember, though, exactly which day I had the dream, and two days ago, when I was having some very light cramping (which I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Sam), I remembered my dream again, and went back and checked the date of the dream in my journal. . . I had that dream within 24 hours of probable ovulation. Was this a sign? A message? I do hope so. . .

Otherwise I am not having many "symptoms" during this luteal phase. . . with the exception of some lightheadedness and some very light cramping.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep. It's almost 2 am here, and I am up online, after tosing and turning in bed for almost two hours straight.

This past evening, I just learned that a new acquaintance has a child. . . a 16-month old daughter. Though it would have been even harder to hear that he is a boy, it was hard enough to hear 16 months. That would be my little Samnini's age now. I haven't really been thinking about his age again too much lately, which has been rather nice in a way. . . to take take a break. Luckily she started talking to someone else, so I could just drift away from the conversation, and have some alone time. It just kind of hit me like a brick, to use the cliche.

We've been Baby Dancing this week (the plan is every two days until I am sure I have ovulated). My husband and I talked about this plan since my last cycle didn't pan out - given that I was out of town a month ago! I am trying to be hopeful, and not stress out too much.

I really would have liked to have been pregnant again by now also because my best friend from college just announced she was pregnant with her second. . . and she also really hoped that I would be pregnant two, so we could tell each other at the same time. It WOULD have been so much fun . . .

http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/birthdefects/risk/risk-HLHS.shtm

Above is a link to an overview of the medical literature about risk of HLHS. One interesting thing is that it points out that one study found a higher rate of HLHS in eastern Wisconsin than in any other part of the state. Sam was not born or conceived in eastern Wisconsin, but I, his mother, was.

An Attack of Jealousy

Last year, at this time, one week beyond Sam's passing, I really thought I would be pregnant again already. Granted, I was, but my "dream baby" didn't stay long. And then I really thought that I would have conceived AGAIN by now.

Really --- the first two times we really tried, we concieved. Now, January, February, and March have gone by. No pregnancy for us. For ME.

I have been really missing my beautiful Samnini again today. I am also have an attack of jealousy for those who are pregnant.

I am trying to be patient and gentle with myself, but I am finding difficult.

This mont we are really going to try hard. I might even buy OPKs (although I had some the month I conceived Sam, but they never really told me when I actually ovulated. . .)

Marley & Me (Something I posted on a forum earlier. . .)

I just posted the following as a part of a thread on Marley & Me . . .

I have quite a connection to Marley and Me. I was listened to the audio book on CD of the book Marley and Me back in August 2007 (in my car on the way to and from work), started listening to it a few days before our 20 week ultrasound with Sam. Up until then, my pregnancy had been wonderful. I even listened to the part about their first pregnancy. . . and I thought, "Whew, we're past that point. I can feel our baby move." I was excited about our 20 week ultrasound, and that's when Sam's heart was discovered. I finished listening to Marley and Me after that day, and just sobbed again when Marley died (because I have taken a much loved dog in to be put to sleep, which is pretty difficult to handle, too).

We went to see the movie this past Christmas day when it came out. I insisted (my husband wasn't sure he'd like it; he did), and I hoped that they would not cut out her first baby loss. They didn't. What they did cut out was the difficulty of her next two pregnancies, with bed rest, etc. I was sobbing through most of the movie, and I knew I would even weeks before when I learned it was coming out. Also it was hard because I was spotting quite a bit. . . . . we should have probably gone to the ER that afternoon instead of the movie, instead of me stubbornly clinging to the idea that I was just going to have a pregnancy with spotting and more complications.

I loved the movie, though. The "commercials" for the movie don't do it justice. I feel superstitious though, in TTC again, about watching it again right now personally. Later, I do indeed want to see it again.

A video of Sam from Jan 10, 2008, when he looked the most well, in honor of the one-year anniversary of his death

Sam passed away last year on April 3, 2008 at about 3:OO am, and I wanted to post a video of him. Here it is.

I recorded this because it was one of the first times Sam was awake and alert, and relatively un-drugged. His dad was also out of town for interviews, and I posted this privately online for him to enjoy. The person talking in the video is Sam's grandpa who was visiting. This is my favorite video clip of Sam.

(Please do not use this video without my permission for any means.)

Time, Waiting for the Anniversary of Sam's Death (April 3, 2008)

Here is what I posted to an HLHS Loss group earlier tonight:

The first anniversary of my Sam's death is just hours away. It will be at 3 am central time. For weeks now, I've told myself I am not going to fall in to the "time" trap . . . that I wasn't going to mark every minute as this day approched. But, I have been, and I think I've been marking time with events all along. (I've even started thinking on the two year mark now - I conceived Sam two years ago last week, etc.) So, a day or two ago, I remember thinking, it was one year ago that had the catheterization through his liver that made him have the slow internal bleedout. Last night (April 1st), it was the last time we gave him his bed bath (in the hospital, since he never left). Today (April 2), I keep thinking, okay, it was this time last year that we met with the geneticist at 10 am. It was at 2 pm last year that I had made it to work (I had gone back part-time after it looked like Sam would not be leaving the hospital anytime soon, after my c-section recovery/7weeks of maternity leave), but I didn't want to be there. I had a "feeling", "intuition", that something was going to happen, and I kept checking to make sure my cell phone had power and carried it on my person at all times while at work because I felt like something was going to happen. I should have listened to my intuiation and left work and spent the time with my little Sam. At this exact moment last year (in Central time), I had left work, and arrived back at the hospital, where Sam's numbers were getting a little scary, and they had figured out that he needed blood, so he was getting infused, but they still hadn't found the leak yet.

So, I keep thinking this way, replaying everything. I can't stop myself.