Last year, at this time, one week beyond Sam's passing, I really thought I would be pregnant again already. Granted, I was, but my "dream baby" didn't stay long. And then I really thought that I would have conceived AGAIN by now.
Really --- the first two times we really tried, we concieved. Now, January, February, and March have gone by. No pregnancy for us. For ME.
I have been really missing my beautiful Samnini again today. I am also have an attack of jealousy for those who are pregnant.
I am trying to be patient and gentle with myself, but I am finding difficult.
This mont we are really going to try hard. I might even buy OPKs (although I had some the month I conceived Sam, but they never really told me when I actually ovulated. . .)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Marley & Me (Something I posted on a forum earlier. . .)
I just posted the following as a part of a thread on Marley & Me . . .
I have quite a connection to Marley and Me. I was listened to the audio book on CD of the book Marley and Me back in August 2007 (in my car on the way to and from work), started listening to it a few days before our 20 week ultrasound with Sam. Up until then, my pregnancy had been wonderful. I even listened to the part about their first pregnancy. . . and I thought, "Whew, we're past that point. I can feel our baby move." I was excited about our 20 week ultrasound, and that's when Sam's heart was discovered. I finished listening to Marley and Me after that day, and just sobbed again when Marley died (because I have taken a much loved dog in to be put to sleep, which is pretty difficult to handle, too).
We went to see the movie this past Christmas day when it came out. I insisted (my husband wasn't sure he'd like it; he did), and I hoped that they would not cut out her first baby loss. They didn't. What they did cut out was the difficulty of her next two pregnancies, with bed rest, etc. I was sobbing through most of the movie, and I knew I would even weeks before when I learned it was coming out. Also it was hard because I was spotting quite a bit. . . . . we should have probably gone to the ER that afternoon instead of the movie, instead of me stubbornly clinging to the idea that I was just going to have a pregnancy with spotting and more complications.
I loved the movie, though. The "commercials" for the movie don't do it justice. I feel superstitious though, in TTC again, about watching it again right now personally. Later, I do indeed want to see it again.
I have quite a connection to Marley and Me. I was listened to the audio book on CD of the book Marley and Me back in August 2007 (in my car on the way to and from work), started listening to it a few days before our 20 week ultrasound with Sam. Up until then, my pregnancy had been wonderful. I even listened to the part about their first pregnancy. . . and I thought, "Whew, we're past that point. I can feel our baby move." I was excited about our 20 week ultrasound, and that's when Sam's heart was discovered. I finished listening to Marley and Me after that day, and just sobbed again when Marley died (because I have taken a much loved dog in to be put to sleep, which is pretty difficult to handle, too).
We went to see the movie this past Christmas day when it came out. I insisted (my husband wasn't sure he'd like it; he did), and I hoped that they would not cut out her first baby loss. They didn't. What they did cut out was the difficulty of her next two pregnancies, with bed rest, etc. I was sobbing through most of the movie, and I knew I would even weeks before when I learned it was coming out. Also it was hard because I was spotting quite a bit. . . . . we should have probably gone to the ER that afternoon instead of the movie, instead of me stubbornly clinging to the idea that I was just going to have a pregnancy with spotting and more complications.
I loved the movie, though. The "commercials" for the movie don't do it justice. I feel superstitious though, in TTC again, about watching it again right now personally. Later, I do indeed want to see it again.
Friday, April 3, 2009
A video of Sam from Jan 10, 2008, when he looked the most well, in honor of the one-year anniversary of his death
Sam passed away last year on April 3, 2008 at about 3:OO am, and I wanted to post a video of him. Here it is.
I recorded this because it was one of the first times Sam was awake and alert, and relatively un-drugged. His dad was also out of town for interviews, and I posted this privately online for him to enjoy. The person talking in the video is Sam's grandpa who was visiting. This is my favorite video clip of Sam.
(Please do not use this video without my permission for any means.)
I recorded this because it was one of the first times Sam was awake and alert, and relatively un-drugged. His dad was also out of town for interviews, and I posted this privately online for him to enjoy. The person talking in the video is Sam's grandpa who was visiting. This is my favorite video clip of Sam.
(Please do not use this video without my permission for any means.)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Time, Waiting for the Anniversary of Sam's Death (April 3, 2008)
Here is what I posted to an HLHS Loss group earlier tonight:
The first anniversary of my Sam's death is just hours away. It will be at 3 am central time. For weeks now, I've told myself I am not going to fall in to the "time" trap . . . that I wasn't going to mark every minute as this day approched. But, I have been, and I think I've been marking time with events all along. (I've even started thinking on the two year mark now - I conceived Sam two years ago last week, etc.) So, a day or two ago, I remember thinking, it was one year ago that had the catheterization through his liver that made him have the slow internal bleedout. Last night (April 1st), it was the last time we gave him his bed bath (in the hospital, since he never left). Today (April 2), I keep thinking, okay, it was this time last year that we met with the geneticist at 10 am. It was at 2 pm last year that I had made it to work (I had gone back part-time after it looked like Sam would not be leaving the hospital anytime soon, after my c-section recovery/7weeks of maternity leave), but I didn't want to be there. I had a "feeling", "intuition", that something was going to happen, and I kept checking to make sure my cell phone had power and carried it on my person at all times while at work because I felt like something was going to happen. I should have listened to my intuiation and left work and spent the time with my little Sam. At this exact moment last year (in Central time), I had left work, and arrived back at the hospital, where Sam's numbers were getting a little scary, and they had figured out that he needed blood, so he was getting infused, but they still hadn't found the leak yet.
So, I keep thinking this way, replaying everything. I can't stop myself.
The first anniversary of my Sam's death is just hours away. It will be at 3 am central time. For weeks now, I've told myself I am not going to fall in to the "time" trap . . . that I wasn't going to mark every minute as this day approched. But, I have been, and I think I've been marking time with events all along. (I've even started thinking on the two year mark now - I conceived Sam two years ago last week, etc.) So, a day or two ago, I remember thinking, it was one year ago that had the catheterization through his liver that made him have the slow internal bleedout. Last night (April 1st), it was the last time we gave him his bed bath (in the hospital, since he never left). Today (April 2), I keep thinking, okay, it was this time last year that we met with the geneticist at 10 am. It was at 2 pm last year that I had made it to work (I had gone back part-time after it looked like Sam would not be leaving the hospital anytime soon, after my c-section recovery/7weeks of maternity leave), but I didn't want to be there. I had a "feeling", "intuition", that something was going to happen, and I kept checking to make sure my cell phone had power and carried it on my person at all times while at work because I felt like something was going to happen. I should have listened to my intuiation and left work and spent the time with my little Sam. At this exact moment last year (in Central time), I had left work, and arrived back at the hospital, where Sam's numbers were getting a little scary, and they had figured out that he needed blood, so he was getting infused, but they still hadn't found the leak yet.
So, I keep thinking this way, replaying everything. I can't stop myself.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Some thoughts
1) I am 12 dpo today. My bbt went up rather than down today. This is an interesting sign, knock-0n-wood, because usually my bbt starts dropping on 12 dpo if I am going to get my period. My breasts felt like they were being attacked yesterday for hours on end. I do get breast and nipple soreness during pms, but NEVER this bad. I have also been more tired than normal. (This is exactly what happened at the beginning of pregnancy with Sam. Maybe it's wishful thinking, too.)
2) We are still getting bills that neither of Sam's insurance policies are willing to pay for. My/his primary insurance paid most his bills, but suddenly more than a year later, his secondary health insurance (through my husband's job) has decided that they will not cover some of it even though Sam's policy went into effect the day he was born. Now they are claiming that it didn't go into effect until Sam was 6 weeks old! So. . . this is an ongoing issue that I thought was behind us!
3) Almost two years ago, near the beginning of pregnancy with Sam, before we knew of any of his problems, I talked with two close friends who tried to convince me not to find out the sex of the baby until he (or she) was born. Even then I knew I wanted to find out the sex of the baby via ultrasound. This was the thing that was top-most in my mind. (This is probably the case for many pregnant mothers who have "pregnancy innocence".) I even noted this conversation with friends in my (hand-written, private) journal. My reasoning was the I 'needed to know', that it would help me bond with the baby. They argued that there is no greater surprise than finding out when the baby comes out.
What I learned later that year, and realized again today, that the sex of a baby can be a surprise, but it really is NOT the biggest surprise. No, the biggest, and best, surprise is/would be to find our your baby is completely healthy. This the most important surprise.
2) We are still getting bills that neither of Sam's insurance policies are willing to pay for. My/his primary insurance paid most his bills, but suddenly more than a year later, his secondary health insurance (through my husband's job) has decided that they will not cover some of it even though Sam's policy went into effect the day he was born. Now they are claiming that it didn't go into effect until Sam was 6 weeks old! So. . . this is an ongoing issue that I thought was behind us!
3) Almost two years ago, near the beginning of pregnancy with Sam, before we knew of any of his problems, I talked with two close friends who tried to convince me not to find out the sex of the baby until he (or she) was born. Even then I knew I wanted to find out the sex of the baby via ultrasound. This was the thing that was top-most in my mind. (This is probably the case for many pregnant mothers who have "pregnancy innocence".) I even noted this conversation with friends in my (hand-written, private) journal. My reasoning was the I 'needed to know', that it would help me bond with the baby. They argued that there is no greater surprise than finding out when the baby comes out.
What I learned later that year, and realized again today, that the sex of a baby can be a surprise, but it really is NOT the biggest surprise. No, the biggest, and best, surprise is/would be to find our your baby is completely healthy. This the most important surprise.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Gluten and BBT
A link with some information on gluten senisitivity and the relation to miscarriages and birth defects: http://members.cox.net/harold.kraus/gluten/anno_symptoms_files/birth.htm
I found this site last year as I was incessantly trying to figure out why our Sam was born with all of his defects. However, I still think it was more likely the low dose of generic prozac I was on. Now, I wonder if my miscarriage in December could have been related to my recently discovered "mild" allery to wheat and oats. It's something to consider. Well, I am not eating much if any wheat, oats or gluten now. I might have eaten a small amount on Sunday, but if so, a very small amount. (Maybe I didn't mention that my new primary care physician sent off for a blood test a couple of weeks ago to check for 26 of the most likely food allergies. Well, I am still allergic to peanuts and show mild allergies to wheat, oats, egg whites, tomatoes and carrots!!)
As I type this, I am having small, slight pain on my right side, near my ovaries. It's not gas. I have gas pain, too, for the first time since I started cutting out my allergen foods. I am 5 or 6 dpo. I had a huge tempature dip yesterday (1.1 degrees F), and came back up above my coverline today. This is a good thing. Fertility Friend thinks I've ovulated already, still, although yesterday it changed its "mind" as my BBT dropped lower than it has the entire cycle! . . .Way below my cover line. Take a look here: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19bcba
As of today's temp, it thinks I ovulated now again around Saturday (although I think it was really Friday evening, based on other signs).
I found this site last year as I was incessantly trying to figure out why our Sam was born with all of his defects. However, I still think it was more likely the low dose of generic prozac I was on. Now, I wonder if my miscarriage in December could have been related to my recently discovered "mild" allery to wheat and oats. It's something to consider. Well, I am not eating much if any wheat, oats or gluten now. I might have eaten a small amount on Sunday, but if so, a very small amount. (Maybe I didn't mention that my new primary care physician sent off for a blood test a couple of weeks ago to check for 26 of the most likely food allergies. Well, I am still allergic to peanuts and show mild allergies to wheat, oats, egg whites, tomatoes and carrots!!)
As I type this, I am having small, slight pain on my right side, near my ovaries. It's not gas. I have gas pain, too, for the first time since I started cutting out my allergen foods. I am 5 or 6 dpo. I had a huge tempature dip yesterday (1.1 degrees F), and came back up above my coverline today. This is a good thing. Fertility Friend thinks I've ovulated already, still, although yesterday it changed its "mind" as my BBT dropped lower than it has the entire cycle! . . .Way below my cover line. Take a look here: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19bcba
As of today's temp, it thinks I ovulated now again around Saturday (although I think it was really Friday evening, based on other signs).
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Samyar's Story, Part 3
Sam also had a 2-vessel cord, which apparently made some of the medical professionals think that Sam might be born early or might even be born still. I never believed that, and neither did Sam. At 20 weeks along, he was measured at about 8 days "behind" in growth. I think they were wrong even then, because at 38 weeks, they measured him at 6 lbs 10 oz, but when he was born a mere four days later, he was 7 lbs 11 oz. They were off by a full pound. Couldn't they have been wrong about his size at 20 weeks? Also, two weeks off is apparently a normal variation, but they tried to panic us, I think.
I apologize if this story is not in order, linear.
Last night, I was remembering how much he liked to suck. He sucked on the vent tube. When he was extubated for those brief, hard five days in January 2008, tried valiantly to suck on a pacifier. We have have one picture of him with the pacifier, but he looks so exhausted from the effort that I am not sure that I really want to post it here. It is hard to look at, but I am so glad we have it. I may try to photshop the pacifier into another picture, and take away the vent tubes.
He tried to hard to keep breathing on his own, but he wasn't getting enough oxygen exchange. It turns out it was most likely because of those missing veins that didn't go back to his heart from his right lung. They didn't find that for another couple of weeks when they did the catheterization. They waited to do the catherization, because they discovered that Sam had developed an infection. So while they started him on heavy-duty antibiotics, they also started feeding him again, because he lost weight because they didn't feed him food other than IV nutrition while he was off the vent.
I just keep wishing we could go back, and have everything turn out different. That maybe Sam would have still had HLHS, but maybe his lungs and veins would have been perfect, that he would have been able to get off the vent, and then we would have been taking him home just a few weeks later. I know that there would have been the danger of him developing problems and passing away at anytime, but to have been denied the joy of bringing him home, of being able to lie down with him on our bed, his mommy and daddy curling around him, admiring his big eyes and lucious long eyeslashes in the leisure of our own home.
This time last year, in February 2008, I went back to work part-time. I was cleared by my OB after my emergency c-section. I was at the hospital in the morning, went to work in the afternoon, and then back to the hospital at night. After it looked like we had no idea when Sam would get to come home, I was extremely depressed and angry. It did me a "world of good" to go back to work. It gave me other things to think abut and concentrate on. My workplace, where I had worked for four years full-time, was very supportive about me coming back part-time. They were all mostly very gentle with me and didn't push me too much. I proudly showed off pictures of Sam, and everyone was very positive. It proved to be incredibly positive to go back to work. They also allowed me to carry my cell phone in my pocket at all times. I never did that before, and after Sam passed, I no longer did so, but while he was in the hospital, I told the nurses that they could call me on my cell phone at any time. I kept it on vibrate - so it would not cause a public nuisance, but I could feel it.
I apologize if this story is not in order, linear.
Last night, I was remembering how much he liked to suck. He sucked on the vent tube. When he was extubated for those brief, hard five days in January 2008, tried valiantly to suck on a pacifier. We have have one picture of him with the pacifier, but he looks so exhausted from the effort that I am not sure that I really want to post it here. It is hard to look at, but I am so glad we have it. I may try to photshop the pacifier into another picture, and take away the vent tubes.
He tried to hard to keep breathing on his own, but he wasn't getting enough oxygen exchange. It turns out it was most likely because of those missing veins that didn't go back to his heart from his right lung. They didn't find that for another couple of weeks when they did the catheterization. They waited to do the catherization, because they discovered that Sam had developed an infection. So while they started him on heavy-duty antibiotics, they also started feeding him again, because he lost weight because they didn't feed him food other than IV nutrition while he was off the vent.
I just keep wishing we could go back, and have everything turn out different. That maybe Sam would have still had HLHS, but maybe his lungs and veins would have been perfect, that he would have been able to get off the vent, and then we would have been taking him home just a few weeks later. I know that there would have been the danger of him developing problems and passing away at anytime, but to have been denied the joy of bringing him home, of being able to lie down with him on our bed, his mommy and daddy curling around him, admiring his big eyes and lucious long eyeslashes in the leisure of our own home.
This time last year, in February 2008, I went back to work part-time. I was cleared by my OB after my emergency c-section. I was at the hospital in the morning, went to work in the afternoon, and then back to the hospital at night. After it looked like we had no idea when Sam would get to come home, I was extremely depressed and angry. It did me a "world of good" to go back to work. It gave me other things to think abut and concentrate on. My workplace, where I had worked for four years full-time, was very supportive about me coming back part-time. They were all mostly very gentle with me and didn't push me too much. I proudly showed off pictures of Sam, and everyone was very positive. It proved to be incredibly positive to go back to work. They also allowed me to carry my cell phone in my pocket at all times. I never did that before, and after Sam passed, I no longer did so, but while he was in the hospital, I told the nurses that they could call me on my cell phone at any time. I kept it on vibrate - so it would not cause a public nuisance, but I could feel it.
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