Some thoughts

1) I am 12 dpo today. My bbt went up rather than down today. This is an interesting sign, knock-0n-wood, because usually my bbt starts dropping on 12 dpo if I am going to get my period. My breasts felt like they were being attacked yesterday for hours on end. I do get breast and nipple soreness during pms, but NEVER this bad. I have also been more tired than normal. (This is exactly what happened at the beginning of pregnancy with Sam. Maybe it's wishful thinking, too.)

2) We are still getting bills that neither of Sam's insurance policies are willing to pay for. My/his primary insurance paid most his bills, but suddenly more than a year later, his secondary health insurance (through my husband's job) has decided that they will not cover some of it even though Sam's policy went into effect the day he was born. Now they are claiming that it didn't go into effect until Sam was 6 weeks old! So. . . this is an ongoing issue that I thought was behind us!

3) Almost two years ago, near the beginning of pregnancy with Sam, before we knew of any of his problems, I talked with two close friends who tried to convince me not to find out the sex of the baby until he (or she) was born. Even then I knew I wanted to find out the sex of the baby via ultrasound. This was the thing that was top-most in my mind. (This is probably the case for many pregnant mothers who have "pregnancy innocence".) I even noted this conversation with friends in my (hand-written, private) journal. My reasoning was the I 'needed to know', that it would help me bond with the baby. They argued that there is no greater surprise than finding out when the baby comes out.

What I learned later that year, and realized again today, that the sex of a baby can be a surprise, but it really is NOT the biggest surprise. No, the biggest, and best, surprise is/would be to find our your baby is completely healthy. This the most important surprise.

Gluten and BBT

A link with some information on gluten senisitivity and the relation to miscarriages and birth defects: http://members.cox.net/harold.kraus/gluten/anno_symptoms_files/birth.htm

I found this site last year as I was incessantly trying to figure out why our Sam was born with all of his defects. However, I still think it was more likely the low dose of generic prozac I was on. Now, I wonder if my miscarriage in December could have been related to my recently discovered "mild" allery to wheat and oats. It's something to consider. Well, I am not eating much if any wheat, oats or gluten now. I might have eaten a small amount on Sunday, but if so, a very small amount. (Maybe I didn't mention that my new primary care physician sent off for a blood test a couple of weeks ago to check for 26 of the most likely food allergies. Well, I am still allergic to peanuts and show mild allergies to wheat, oats, egg whites, tomatoes and carrots!!)

As I type this, I am having small, slight pain on my right side, near my ovaries. It's not gas. I have gas pain, too, for the first time since I started cutting out my allergen foods. I am 5 or 6 dpo. I had a huge tempature dip yesterday (1.1 degrees F), and came back up above my coverline today. This is a good thing. Fertility Friend thinks I've ovulated already, still, although yesterday it changed its "mind" as my BBT dropped lower than it has the entire cycle! . . .Way below my cover line. Take a look here: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/19bcba
As of today's temp, it thinks I ovulated now again around Saturday (although I think it was really Friday evening, based on other signs).

Samyar's Story, Part 3

Sam also had a 2-vessel cord, which apparently made some of the medical professionals think that Sam might be born early or might even be born still. I never believed that, and neither did Sam. At 20 weeks along, he was measured at about 8 days "behind" in growth. I think they were wrong even then, because at 38 weeks, they measured him at 6 lbs 10 oz, but when he was born a mere four days later, he was 7 lbs 11 oz. They were off by a full pound. Couldn't they have been wrong about his size at 20 weeks? Also, two weeks off is apparently a normal variation, but they tried to panic us, I think.

I apologize if this story is not in order, linear.

Last night, I was remembering how much he liked to suck. He sucked on the vent tube. When he was extubated for those brief, hard five days in January 2008, tried valiantly to suck on a pacifier. We have have one picture of him with the pacifier, but he looks so exhausted from the effort that I am not sure that I really want to post it here. It is hard to look at, but I am so glad we have it. I may try to photshop the pacifier into another picture, and take away the vent tubes.

He tried to hard to keep breathing on his own, but he wasn't getting enough oxygen exchange. It turns out it was most likely because of those missing veins that didn't go back to his heart from his right lung. They didn't find that for another couple of weeks when they did the catheterization. They waited to do the catherization, because they discovered that Sam had developed an infection. So while they started him on heavy-duty antibiotics, they also started feeding him again, because he lost weight because they didn't feed him food other than IV nutrition while he was off the vent.

I just keep wishing we could go back, and have everything turn out different. That maybe Sam would have still had HLHS, but maybe his lungs and veins would have been perfect, that he would have been able to get off the vent, and then we would have been taking him home just a few weeks later. I know that there would have been the danger of him developing problems and passing away at anytime, but to have been denied the joy of bringing him home, of being able to lie down with him on our bed, his mommy and daddy curling around him, admiring his big eyes and lucious long eyeslashes in the leisure of our own home.

This time last year, in February 2008, I went back to work part-time. I was cleared by my OB after my emergency c-section. I was at the hospital in the morning, went to work in the afternoon, and then back to the hospital at night. After it looked like we had no idea when Sam would get to come home, I was extremely depressed and angry. It did me a "world of good" to go back to work. It gave me other things to think abut and concentrate on. My workplace, where I had worked for four years full-time, was very supportive about me coming back part-time. They were all mostly very gentle with me and didn't push me too much. I proudly showed off pictures of Sam, and everyone was very positive. It proved to be incredibly positive to go back to work. They also allowed me to carry my cell phone in my pocket at all times. I never did that before, and after Sam passed, I no longer did so, but while he was in the hospital, I told the nurses that they could call me on my cell phone at any time. I kept it on vibrate - so it would not cause a public nuisance, but I could feel it.

Hmm, interesting "food" for thought

Here is an article that says research out of Harvard's School of Public Health says that eating full/whole fat milk products will help fertility and conception.

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-wellbeing/health-news/ice-cream-helps-increase-chance-of-pregnancy-438189.html

Basically, it says that the increase in infertility in the West is a result of all of the low-fat eating and products. It suggests that ice cream a couple of times a week will increase the chance of conceiving, because lack of dairy or eating too much "low-fat" dairy, increased infertility due to lack of ovulation. "The more ice cream the women ate the lower was their risk of infertility. Women eating ice cream two or more times a week had a 38 per cent lower risk of infertility than those who consumed ice cream less than once a week. "

Okay, I seem to have little trouble actually conceiving, but there is the issue of my late ovulation. Does this make a difference in the viability of the embryo? I do not ovulate until day 20 to day 26, depending on my cycle. If eating ice cream will change my hormones, and I actually could ovulate earlier, perhaps that would be better for my chances of sustaining a healthy pregnancy. I will be buying full-fat ice cream tomorrow, and giving it a chance. I have to eat less other food, so I don't gain weight, but that would be fine. I am willing to

Also, people online have been mentioning that peas may contain a natural contraceptive. Therefore, I should not eat peas when I am trying to conceive. That is a problem as I absolutely love peas!! I guess I can try to forgo them for now. However, I haven't tracked down a good scientific source, so I don't know if I should really worry yet or not.

I did not conceive in January. We didn't BD during my most fertile time because my husband was ill with a cold, and he didn't want to give it to me. I got it anyway. So, we will be trying for a Valentine's Day baby conception!!

Just need to vent

I am just feeling down. I think I ovulated either today or yesterday (based on a variety of symptoms) and we haven't had sexual relations in almost four days. Was that too early? On the other hand, it might work better to conceive a girl (I still want a little girl - healthy, too, of course - that goes without saying). You know, a healthy boy would be wonderful, too. Anway, I don't know if my husband will be have enough energy for sex tonight. I don't want to push or force. Maybe we just let it be, and if we conceive, we conceive this month, and if not, we try again next month. I am nervous about the possibility of not getting pregnant until March or April - the dute date would be around Sam's due date, and I don't know if I really want that. Still, if I would get through the Christmas concerts I'll be in before a baby is born, that wouldn't be horrible, either. But I do want a healthy baby before this next Christmas! Oh, so much to think about and consider.

And I just wish my Samnini was here. Yes, I know his spirit is around me, but that isn't the same thing at all. I want him here wobbling around with little wobbly steps, trying to wobble up the stairs. We'd have a gate on the stairs to stop him from doing that. We'd have to pack up our little things - like my minitature tea sets - so that he wouldn't be eating the little parts. I would be taking him to "mommy and me" swmming classes and when he was a little younger, "mommy and me" yoga. It would have been so, so much fun. Christmas would have be wonderful! He would have been delighted by the Christmas tree, and playing, ripping, eating wrapping paper. We could picture him so clearly on Christmas.

And I am still sad that we had a misscarriage. I haven't let myself think this way until today when I realized that I should be 8 and a half weeks along now. I should have a new little baby's heart beating away in me.

Samyar's Story (Our Winter Baby) Part 2

Sam was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS), Double-Outlet Right Ventricle (DORV), Vein Atresia (he had the very rare occurance of just completely missing the veins that take the oxygenated blood from his right lung back to his heart), Hypoplastic Right Lung, as well as a cleft palate and undescended testes.

His HLHS and the associated DORV were found at the 20-week ultrasound. His vein atresia and and hypoplastic lung were not found until his Norward Sano surgery - well, sort of found then. Sam's surgeon said that he was sure the veins were there, but just in a different place, or something, after he had finished Sam's surgery. It wasn't until more than a month later, when Sam could not stay off the ventilator that they cathed him and discovered that not only was his lung indeed extra small, but that the veins were completely missing! Apparently eventually the blood would drift out of his lung to his chest wall.

Sam's microchromosomal tests came back showing that there might be some problems at first, so they had us, his parents, send in our blood, too. It turns out it Sam had a variation that my husband has as well, and probably Sam's grandpa - and they are "heart healthy", so really Sam's chromosomes are fine, even though he really looked like a "syndrome" (but nobody could fit it into a recognizable, known syndrome).

. . . I don't know if this story is really going to have a flow to it. . . I have to do it in parts, to get my feeling out.

Hopes for 2009, meeting with perinatologist

At the suggestion of the nurse practitioner my OB's office (when I went in for my post-miscarriage follow up on Dec 29), I went to a consultation on January 7 with their perinatologist. The nurse thought I had enough history - with Sam's defects and then this early miscarriage. The perinatologist did not have anything extra new to add that we didn't already know, except that he had an opinion on SSRIs! He thinks that it IS possible that my being on fluoxetine (generic Prozac) could have definitely caused Sam's problems. This is the first confirmation on what we've been thinking happened from a medical professional. It feels liberating in a way, though now I feel even more guilty. If only I'd weaned off before conceiving Sam. . .

I walked around the last few days of 2008, crying, saying that the year was terrible. Not everything was terrible . . . there were some good things. . . and I will write a post soon about the good things. . . but losing Sam and then miscarrying over Christmas was certainly not what I wanted to experience over the year. I am more hopeful now. Hopeful that we will conceive another baby, a healthy baby, that we will have a beautiful baby.

The other thing the perinatologist said: "Don't waste any time getting pregnant." He said that really I am still at a good age in terms of low chromosomal problem risks - so we should go ahead. He didn't see a reason why we should wait another cycle to try again! So, my husband and I have been having occaisonal sex in the last week without any protection. However, I don't know if I will conceive or have conceived already yet this month as his work schedule is leaving him exhausted, and we haven't done it in three days now. We'll see. . .