Wave of Light

Wave of Light is an hour for me.  I will update with a picture.

Here is a post that has been going around that I really appreciate:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nancy-davis-johnson/the-other-quiet-mom_b_5972990.html

A quote from it that I like the best and really explains it:
"They never forget. Any reminders from others can't compete with the mother's daily ones -- the turn of the clock, the calendar, the season -- that come all on their own. And the words you might think serve as painful reminders may be far outpaced by the subtler, equally painful but unintended reminders that are outside of your awareness -- or sometimes even hers. It could be that you were pregnant the same time she was. It could be her sudden realization that your child is in the same grade hers would have been if she'd lived"

Capture Your Grief 2014: Day 1: Sunrise

This year was cloudy again at sunrise.   I was glad to have made it outside to take the picture and back in safely.   I have a foot injury (possibly a ruptured ligament on the bottom of my foot that makes walking difficult at the moment.)

44 day long cycle and now to the present

My last cycle was 44 days long.  Either I ovulated when I thought I should get may period, or I did not ovulate at all.  That is what I suspect.    I took three pregnancy tests.  All completely negative.   I have been tracking BBTs this cycle for the first time in years, and I believe that according to my temps, I ovulated this month approximately when I thought I should.  So we shall see.   I am about 8 days post ovulation at present and I had a so-called "implantation dip" yesterday.   Today my bbt went up really high.   I am not sure.   With Sam, I had a true triphasic bbt chart.  With N, I have no idea, because it was my month "off" from tracking anything.  I think I just need to not think about all of this too much anymore. 

Day 37

Okay, it is officially CD 37.  My basal temp (which I don't do often anymore, but have this week) was 99.1F this morning, with previous numbers being 98.8 and 98.9F in the last couple of mornings.   I don't usually go this high unless I am truly pregnant.  Or have a virus, in which case, I usually go higher.  With my thyroid replacement, my bbt's ae usually in the low to mid 97F range. 

I haven't taken a hpt in two days.  Maybe tomorrow or Sunday morning.  I don't want to be disappointed. 

My areolas are darker than normal, too.  

Waiting not so patiently

My current cycle has been almost 5 weeks long - so far.  Today is CD 35.   

My thoughts so far:

1) I didn't ovulate at the time I thought I did.  (CD 18)

2) I didn't ovulate at all. 

3) Maybe actually pregnant but no positive pregnancy test yet. (Have only taken the one, at 3 am this morning.  Not even a so-called evap line. I've never gotten an evap line in my life.  The one time I thought I did, it turns out I was technically pregnant.) 

4) Another chemical pregnancy?  Despite the lack of a positive test.

I am getting old.  I don't know if I can really achieve another pregnancy or if it will be successful.

I am not so patient.  Seriously, if my period is going to come, it should come already!

Chemical Pregnancy in March/April

So faint positive pregnancy tests at the very beginning of April, and then horrible cramps, but very abreviated period.  Took another pregnancy test.  Solid positive.   Went in for bHCG at what would have been five weeks.  35.4.  Too low, but officially pregnant.  Went in two days later.  It went up a whole 4 tenths of a point to 35.9.

It was a chemical pregnancy. Which means a very early miscarriage.  Probably is was chromosomal or it couldn't implant correctly. 

Believing in Relaxation to Acheive Pregnancy

The following  article is from April of last year: 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2316986/Relax-just-dont-think-it-happen-There-words-infuriating-woman-trying-conceive-just-true-says-Ashley-Pearson.html

I found it while searching for how to relax to achieve pregnancy.

As you probably already know, I have been pregnant at least four times, and have one living child.  Every time I have gotten pregnant, it has been during the one cycle I have been "relaxed".   The first month we didn't prevent, I conceived and we had Sam.  The first month we didn't prevent after his death, I conceived (and miscarried early).  I was very relaxed then.   And then I became very hyper about conceiving each month.  I was doing my basal temps each morning, and on and on.  And then the OB told us to take a month off and just have "fun".  I think I calmed down and relaxed - and I even did some strenuous workouts, etc.   And boom, I was pregnant.  It was a successful pregnancy.  When we started trying again in 2012, I didn't think it would take until August 2013 to conceive again.  And again, we had said that we were taking that month "off".  I was pretty relaxed, too.  And it happened.  I know that there are many, many women who don't want to hear this, but it seriously works for me.

The problem for me is that I don't know, generally, how to stop thinking about conceiving during any given month.  It's just very difficult to turn that off in my mind.   I think maybe I need to start a new project totally non-related to pregnancy.  What can that be? 

Two days after Thanksgiving (this year), my son and I helped my parents decorate their house for Christmas. In doing so, I got out the creche scene (lots of figures - Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, shepherds, wise men, animals, and the barn) that has been in our family for over thirty years. It has been a long time since I was the one to take it out of the packaging. My parents still keep it the rest of the year in the same box my grandparents mailed it in the Christmas when I was four. When I was little, I was fascinated with this set up. I put a lot of thought of into it each year - where each figure should be. This year, I let my 3 and three quarters year old help me, and somewhere he found an angel figure (doesn't belong with the set) - and suddenly it was just baby Jesus and the angel in the barn. No one else. I don't consider myself particularly religious, so that's not why I felt like crying. It reminded me more of my older son, the one who was newborn and alive six years ago now (even though Christmas he was on ECMO, and things were looking iffy.) Six years ago my older son was alive. By the Christmas five years ago, he was was not. So, I guess what I am trying to say, is that sometimes, it IS hard to try to create memories for my living son . . . but we've also put up our own tree, we've made cookies, and we've visited Santa (even though most of my own memories of sitting on Santa's lap include sheer terror). He's helped me wrap gifts for other people, and is valiantly trying not to share secrets! I loved wrapping gifts with wrapping paper since I was little (my mom let me wrap anything that wasn't for me for years. It was so SO much fun!) So yes, I am trying to create great memories for my son.

Back to normal?

So, I had my first period exactly 30 days after my actual miscarriage, despite the slowly decreasing hcg levels, which was pretty darn normal. 

And then this last cycle was textbook "normal".  28 days long, with ovulation around around CD 14.

I'd still like to be pregnant again.

Finally . . . sigh.

My doctor called Tuesday, and then my phone died completely. I had that phone for over four years. It was the one I got mere days before I found out I pregnant with N in July 2009.

I got a new phone last night night.  (It is not "smart" as we don't want to pay for data and want to keep the same plan we've had for years. It is just a slightly improved version of the phone I had.  And it is navy - the only color available - so not a fun color.  My old one was orange!)  I listened to my messages.  I wish I had heard my phone ring as it was my OB calling.

After almost two months, my HCG levels were "negative"/"normal."  The doctor said this, and this said, "so, yay?!" He then said he hoped I was okay.

That was really nice, actually.  I have been going in there faithfully for testing, even though we'll owe a lot of money.  We have excellent insurance, but each one of the blood draws requires a co-pay for the lab, and a co-pay for the test itself.  It adds up to a lot of money overall.

The thing is, with miscarriage, you don't want any of the "material" left in there.  If the HCG doesn't come down to "normal" (which is <5), then one has to do something else to expel all of the material.  It took a long time (let's see, I found out two months ago now that I was pregnant, started spotting a bit four days later, actually miscarried on Sept 15, and so on.)  I was surprised.  My body maybe didn't want to let it go.
 
The hcg went from 589 to 291 to 118 to 89 to 21 and finally to 0-5(normal) over the course of seven weeks!   It took a long time to come all the way down.  At 89, my breasts still acted like they were pregnant.  At the higher amounts I still felt woozy and nauseous.  (This was completely unlike my previous miscarriage in late 2008.) 

It is kind of relief now that it is totally over.  I still wonder why it happened, why I am not still pregnant, starting my second trimester and everything, but it is not as intense as it was at first. ( Here is my list of possible reasons: http://samyarsheart.blogspot.com/2013/09/26-reasons-i-just-had-miscarriage.html)

However, I know of people due in April, May (yes, May, when I should have been due) and June.  It might be a difficult time for me next spring.

Capture Your Grief Project - Day 15 - Wave of Light

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Color

Day 8: Color
I don't know what color it is exactly - the color that reminds me of Sam the most is the yellowy-brown color on his little Bambi (the deer) doll.

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - You Now

Me, Now:

Today, I appreciated every moment with my living son.   I tried to see the world through his eyes.  I even appreciated when he took a nap this afternoon!  He was very tired, so I insisted, even though he insisted he didn't need one.  (He went to sleep almost immediately.)

That said, I know for a fact that I am less patient that I used to be, before Sam was in our lives.   I could tell right away when I went back to work after he died.  I was still nice to people, but inside got very impatient with helping people who just seemed to not get what I would be telling them.  With my second son, sometimes I get that way, but I remind myself of his age, and am able to calm down.

Capture Your Grief - Day 5 - Memory

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Legacy

Day 4: Legacy - This might be an odd thing to post, but this is a wall-hanging I've had since I was a young girl in love with rainbows. I just re-discovered it in a box of mine that has been in my parents' basement for many years. It is in wonderful shape. It also reminded me of my little Sam. I don't know if it properly reflects his "legacy" or not, but it reminds me of him. Samyar, in persian, means "friend of the light/fire". Also, the winter he was born, we had an entire month of no sunshine - except for about four hours one afternoon. It was a very snowy winter. (And my living son, aged 3, is claiming this for his own now. It is in very good shape - no mildew - so we can hang it in his room if he likes!)

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 3: Myth

Day 3: Myth 
Five weeks after Sam died, we visited Holland, Michigan. Lots of wonderful tulips. I was given some purple tulips at his funeral. I love purple, so had to take a picture. This was also the weekend that I found that someone (not naming names) who came for our son's funeral was surprised that I was still upset and crying sometimes. It seemed that I should be "over it" already, in this person's mind. It was also my first Mother's Day weekend.

Capture Your Grief project ~ Day 1: Sunrise

Last year, I participated in the Capture Your Grief Project and am trying again this year.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html

Finally Finished?

I think I am finally finished with this miscarriage.  Or that was the worst period I've had since I was a teen. (When my periods first started, the cramps were horrific. By my 20s, maybe some acetominiphyn or ibruprofen the first day, and that was it - if any.)

I was cramping so hard on Wednesday night that I couldn't sleep.  Even with ibroprofen. And benedryl.

I no longer feel pregnant even a little bit, like I did a mere week ago.

I think it is over.

I am so, so sad.  I really wanted this baby.

I already had nicknamed the baby "Piglet."

My living son keeps asking when we can have a "real baby" in our house. (As opposed to a doll.)

It's hard.

30+ Reasons I Just Had a Miscarriage

Because it is making me feel better (less anxious) to write down all of the possible reasons I just had an early miscarriage after months of trying to conceive - just to get them out of my head, causing constant panic. . .  here they are, ranked from the most likely (for instance, intellectually I know that the most likely reason is the Chromosomal Issues one, but emotionally - and in anxiety-speak - the others could have a place in this list):

1) Chromosomal Issue(s).  (Most likely the real reason.)
2) Hypothyroidism. (I am, but that seems to be under control at the moment.)
3) Severe Anxiety.  (Yes, I experience anxiety and panic.  However, my living son survived in utero with my anxiety, and my deceased first son also experienced a great deal of anxiety in utero when we discovered his defects.  He went on to be born alive at full-term, and in good health, except for his non-life-compatible congenital defects.)
4) Anxiety/panic over actually being pregnant when I got that first positive hpt. I had severe insomnia that night because I couldn't turn off my brain to sleep.
5) Not enough folic acid pre-conception. (Folic acid not only plays a role in neural tube development, but in the heart development in the baby.)  I wasn't taking pre-natals regularly for that month, either.
6) Working Out/Exercising/Weights - I was doing this when I conceived my living son, so maybe kind of a ridiculous reason.
7) My Age.  (I am not particularly young.)
8) Two previous c-sections.  It couldn't implant in a good place?
9) It was going to be a girl (which I dearly would love) and we can't have girls?!?
10) I got a painful insect or spider bite two days after positive hpt.  Could that have done something?
11) Didn't Drink Enough Water (early enough.)
12) It was conceived in Illinois.  (Our living son was conceived in Arizona. Others were conceived in Illinois.)
13) Ate stir-fried bean sprouts one week before first positive hpt.
14) Drank one sip of my brother's apple ale six days before first positive hpt.  Seriously, being pregnant wasn't on my radar as a possibility this month.
15) I made the mistake of dreaming and planning too soon.
16) My living son is not completely potty-trained yet.
17) Benedryl - Maybe I took too much?  I didn't think I was pregnant, and was having allergy issues (it is mold and ragweed season.)  It is considered class B, so should have been okay-ish.
18) I ate too much sugar.
19) Punishment from the universe.
20) Played too hard with living son in the high heat last week.
21) Living son jumped on me while I was lying down.
22) Took amoxycillin for two days for another issue, but broke out in a rash so stopped.  This might have been during ovulation.  Or the week before.  Not even sure when I actually ovulated.
23) Insomnia.
24) Slept on my Stomach - Can that cause something to go wrong?
25) I had my laptop on my laptop at some point.
26) Cell phone in my pants pocket.
27) Drank from plastic water bottles.
28) More things I ate before I knew I was pregnant:
Turmeric, Cumin, Ginger, Garlic, Mozzerella, Pepperoni, Deli Ham, Mayo, Sumac, Homemade soft serve ice cream my living son and I made together from scratch at the local Children's Museum, in a baggie.   Maybe I should not have eaten it, but I didn't know I was pregnant yet.
29) I touched a "Marley and Me" book for kids maybe even when I was conceiving (in late August in a bookstore - my son was taking things off the shelves and I put them back.  This also happened in 2008 when I was conceiving then (and then miscarried).  As well, I saw the movie of "Marley and Me" that Christmas of 2008 when I started miscarrying during the movie.  The same week we found out about Sam's HLHS, I was listened to the audio CD version of Grogan's "Marley and Me."  I avoided anything to do with that particular story when I was pregnant with my living son.  Again - had no idea I was conceiving this time.
30) I rode my bicycle under a big power line area around the time I might have ovulated.  You can hear the lines buzzing.


As a note, I am still hoping that it was a vanishing twin, and that I still could be pregnant.  Seriously, I doubt it - now.  I cramped really hard the other day.

Letter I Wrote But Never Sent to the PSHU

Here is a letter I wrote to the PSHU (Pediatric Surgical Heart Unit) after Sam's death and never sent, which I just rediscovered.  This is good - because I am forgetting all of the nurses'  names:

"To the PSHU nurses and all other staff:

We want to thank you very much for all the care you gave to our Sam.  You did very well with him, and gave him a lot of love.    We appreciate it greatly.  (We will address everyone more later in this letter.) 

            

We had a funeral service for Sam on Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 4 pm.  . . . [some editied out for some privacy] and he was buried near some of his great-great grandparents in nearby cemetery rather out in the ‘country’.  It is beautiful there in the summer. 

We were not aware at the time that we should contact the PSHU concerning the funeral arrangements. (We had the pastor acknowledge several of you during the service by name.) Dr. V----  said that they/you were waiting to hear.  The way everything was left after Sam died was that we should call a funeral home and then just leave.  That’s the feeling we got, that we should just get out, so there were also more bad feelings on our end.    We were frustrated that none of the doctors (including Dr. I---) with the exception of Dr. B----, who was there at the end, stopped by before we left.   We assumed that someone from the PSHU would be calling to check in with us, to see how we were doing, before the funeral.   We did not think of calling.   I suppose we rather felt as if no one cared there anymore because he had died.  We left when we did because Sam’s body was starting to really turn colors, and it was just time (and my deceased grandma had already assured me that Sam was with her).  The sun had been up for a while, and it was a very pretty spring day.  Sam was a winter baby. For the last few months, I had thought that he would get out of the hospital when this very active winter was finally over.   I guess I was right in a way.     

            For the nursing staff:  You are all great!  Thank you, Joanne, for all you did with Sam.  He really liked you.  Thank you so much for coming in to see us after he passed.  It really meant a lot to us!  Betty, thank you for everything.  We loved the way you talked to Sam, and for encouraging us to bring clothes for him.  Thank you for you support, and willingness to talk with me the day I had my meltdown.  Thank you, (little) Megan, for caring for him, and your efforts the night he passed.  Thanks for doing the hand molds, too.  Sarah, we just really liked you, and we think Sam liked you, too.  Jenny, thank you for making sure that Sam’s Dad got a chance to hold Sam while he was still alive.  It is especially meaningful now.  Thanks to Christine(sp?), the charge nurse who let me hold Sam in February.   It was great, and we didn’t get enough chances to hold him.   (Maybe you should let cases like ours hold him more often. . . We’re just saying. . . so many opportunities missed. . .) We also want to thank those of you who let us help bathe him occasionally.   It was so, so nice to be able to do that.   It was pregnant (pregnant at the time – we hope the baby arrived safe and healthy!) Beth who let us bathe him the Tuesday night before he passed.  We loved doing it, and will always remember those moments.  

            We would also like to thank Ann, who took the most formal picture(s) of Sam.  It was so good that we scanned one of the ones she gave us, and put it in a heart-shaped ornament for our Christmas tree (and one for my parents’ tree) this year.  He’s the angel at the top of our tree!   If Ann could email us with the digital versions of the pictures, that would be wonderful.  Another option would be to send us a cd with the files.  Our address is on the envelope we sent this letter in. 

            There are others would like to thank as well.  We would also like to thank Kathy, the social worker, for all of her assistance.   We would very much like to thank the physical and occupational therapists (we remember Joan, particularly, for some reason).   We’d like to thank the chaplin for securing the use of the piano in the lobby for B’s use late at night.  We’d like to thank the respiratory therapists, too, for their work with Sam. 

            We would also like to thank Dr. V---, as well for being patient with us, and explaining things well."