Woozy. . .

All-day sickness today. I wanted to go do a light workout, but I am feeling so sick right now. . . to the point I am gagging. That's where I lost out on a lot of workouts with my pregnancy with Sam. . . feeling just too sick.

12 days of Afternoon/Evening Sickness and more items of discussion

Today was the 12th day of 'afternoon' sickness. I was gagging tonight, quite suddenly, over the kitchen sink after feeling generally queasy since about 1 pm. That is how it has been for 12 days now. My DH went and bought me a bottle of ginger ale, finally! I kept saying, since my pregnancy with Sam when I had all-day sickness, when I survived the entire first trimester on ginger ale, that with future pregnancies I would refuse to give in to pop/sugar/high fructose corn syrup/caramel coloring. It was such a relief to be able to drink ginger ale tonight!

Still, I am thrilled that I am having afternoon/all day sickness - it means to me that I know that I am still pregnant. In December, my sickness stopped completely, entirely, a few hours before I started spotting with my miscarriage. So I am trying to embrace my afternoon sickness and even enjoy it to some extent.

Okay, off to bed soon. I took a nap this afternoon, but I am still tired. The problem is that lately I will go to sleep cold (on purpose. . . lovely air conditioning. . .) and then wake up later, even minutes later, explodingly hot and sweaty.

One more thing, I joined a pregnancy message board connected to a TTC board I've been on occaisonally, and I sounded off on someone who was on Effexor (not quite an SSRI, but similar - works a little differently) for depression/anxiety at the time of her conception. She went off cold turkey after she found out she was pregnant. I basically told her that it could be too late for her baby's heart, and other early organs (if in fact, Sam's defects were caused in part by my being on fluoxetine - his HLHS occurred the moment his heart was formed). I hope I didn't scare her too much. It sounded like she needed the med. I do hope her baby is okay.

I think that this new baby's heart has probably formed already. I've starting talking to the baby, telling it that we love it already, and really hope that she/he can come home with us.

Trying not to panic. . .

Yes, two VERY positive home pregnancy tests -- the test line was darker than the control line in the matter of 5 seconds. This makes me feel somewhat hopeful, but I am also scared and trying not to panic.

So scared. . . I am scared that every time I hear something that happens to another baby, another child, will happen to us. Again. The reason why I remember this is that early in my pregnancy with Sam, I saw an Extreme Home Makeover episode focused around a girl who'd had lots of surgery and problems due to her congenital heart defects. So now, just in the last two days, I've heard of two little kids locally who drowned in their grandparents' backyard pool. So now I am freaking out that someday I will have a child who will drown (although, I plan to teach my children as young as possible swimming and water survival skills). It's just very scary.

I am excited, but trying so hard not to be excited. . . because SO MANY things can happen between now and when this baby is due.

:)

:) :) :)

The online Magic Eight Ball was right. . . :)

Relaxing?

I don't know if I mentioned on this blog previously. . . but on the advice of the OB, I know approximately when I ovulate, even though it varies by nearly a week depending on the cycle, I have discontinued BBTing and OPKs. I am okay with this, surprisingly. I am actually relieved. She also said exercising (just don't train to run a marathon)is fine, as is eating peas, as far as she is concerned.

So -

1) I have been doing a couple of miles on the treadmill in the apartment complex fitness room about 4-5 times a week in the last two weeks.

2) Working out with weights again.

I have lost no weight yet, though, which is frustrating.

I think I am already more relaxed. I also think I am may be getting ready to ovulate again, looking at CM. My husband and I are just having romantic interludes every two days or so. It's been more fun! Less pressured!

Pediatric Chaplain who visited Sam and us and Music

I just remembered (again) how the Pediatric Chaplain came around to see us when we were in Sam's room with him. Her name is Rev. Janet, and she is the one who worked it out with hospital security that my husband would be permitted to play the lobby piano after 10 pm (and visiting hours were over). We stayed in a local hotel, across the street from the hospital (they were just in the process of building a Ronald McDonald House), and my husband missed his piano. The staff did rounds and/or staff changes at 10 pm, and parents were supposed to leave for about an hour if possible. So that is when we went down to the lobby. My husband practiced usually some classical pieces. (He's played/studied the piano since he was a kid, as did I, but he is five times better than I've ever been. . . ) I would usually read, and sometimes write an entry in one of my book blogs. My husband's piano playing has always been soothing to me, calming. When I was pregnant with Sam, his playing would calm both of us down. Sam loving his dad's piano playing in utero. . . I would sit right next to the piano so that he would hear it. (I apologize if I have previously written about this. . .)

Anyway, we both really appreciated that my husband had this opportunity to play the piano. The only regret is that Sam never got to hear his dad play the piano after he was born. Sam died just before the little portable keyboard we'd ordered arrived. We still have it. My husband will be bringing it to the hospital we have another baby someday, and play for that baby right away.

Psychic Reading

I sent my picture to be read with my question about future children to this website:
http://www.readmypic.com

Here is what "Ms. Lisa M" said she saw of the picture of me:

"I’m terribly sorry for your loss, and for the sadness and doubt you’re feeling. But all is not lost. The stress of all you have been through has taken a toll on you and is limiting you from conceiving. I also feel that resulting in "missed ovulation". Where you seem to be ovulating every other month. There is some great news approaching and I don’t know if you conceive in September or that is when you get the news, but it is showing happiness, joy, elation and success for you in the early fall months. What is needed is for you to relax and know that the universe does hear you and your desire and your wishes. It will answered, and it will be successful. Your next pregnancy is successful, and does result in the birth of a lovely child. So relax, take comfort in knowing that you need not try so hard. Let your body do its job, and your job is to heal and to take care of yourself. Great blessings and sending you an abundance of love! Lisa"