School is Starting

At least three of the babies born in the six months before Sam was born are starting Kindergarten.  Two   began today.  Their pictures were posted, eager, newly five years old, going to school.   I held both of them as babies, while I was still pregnant with Sam.   The little boy as a newborn cuddled against Sam in my belly and fell asleep, giving his mom the first break (and quiet) she'd had all day.   I still remember that time so clearly.  It's hard to think that this little boy is now going to school.  It's difficult to see that he's growing up.

Don't get me wrong . . . I am glad that he is growing up.  That is better than any alternative, I KNOW, but my Sam is really getting left behind and that upsets me.    

Unsuccessful Second Month of TTC

So . . .

My cycle, which was consistent between 27 and 30 days for almost a year is getting funky again.  Or I had perhaps another near-pregnancy. 34 days long this time!  If it was "normal", then I ovulated later than I thought was going to, and our baby dancing was too early (six-ish days before, which is not impossible, but at our ages, maybe so.)   Maybe I was "normal" because I was in another state/area of the country, and now we're back to the Midwest - and that makes all the difference for me?  I don't know.   I am trying so hard not to be superstitious, but that's hard to do actually.

Some more of our worries not concerning TTC have been resolved, so maybe we will have more time and energy for "having fun" this coming month.   We'll see.

Poem I Just Wrote - A Poem to my Tween Self -#1

(Note: I just wrote this.  I have not really attempted to polish it yet.)   

A Poem to my Tween Self - #1

You read books

day and night.

You read stories

to be able to disappear
in time and place

just for a little while.

Other times you try

to write the original stories

that flit through

your mind constantly –

even at school.

You have discovered

Lurlene McDaniel’s early books by now.

You love the melodrama of illness and hospitals,

and of boyfriends dying. 

They are very quick and easy

to read.  You love 
them, but think these things

will never happen

to you.

In your mind, you think you will

grow up and go

to college – maybe major

in meteorology – and someday

in the vague distant future

get married. 

There will be four children –

at least three girls and then

a boy for balance.  You always wanted

a little sister, and Mom told you to have

a daughter someday instead.

You never even have

an inkling

that you might have

two little boys
someday

and that the first very loved

and wanted

baby boy

might die

in the hospital

in the middle of

the night.  

Update

Nope, I was not pregnant . . . but I perhaps I could have been. My period just came a little later.  It could have been super early loss.  I don't know.  I don't know if I wanted to really know, either.  Part of me was very relieved that I wasn't pregnant. (Yet.) Of course, another part of me was really disappointed.

At present, I think I am ovulating now (or did within the last day or two.)   And so the wait begins again.  Except for while writing this, I am going to try not to think about it at all. If it happens, great, and if not, there is always next month.

I kind of want to get another (and probably final) pregnancy over with, too, because I would like to back on my SSRI of choice.   I am convinced that it does help calm my anxiety down, and a calmer mother would be good for our living son and also hopefully future baby.

It is now time for bed.  The last two nights have been trying as my living son has been  up with fevers (that end promptly at 8 am), and unable to sleep well.  He is sleeping now, so I must get some sleep while I can.

Waiting

I am waiting.

Either this is the longest PMS that I have had in a long time (remember, my cycle has been very regular and predictable for almost the last year straight!) or I am pregnant.   I kind of hope that I am pregnant.

On the other hand, this is the first cycle we vaguely tried without really trying.  We did the deed perhaps too early before ovulation.  I am quite sure of when I ovulated because I felt it.  We did the deed nearly five days before.

I also know that it would not be impossible, either.

I am nervous that if I am pregnant, then this pregnancy will end badly.   My first two pregnancies that were on the first tries did.     However, this baby would have been conceived in Arizona, and the one other pregnancy that was Arizona conceived turned out very well (even though he is in a very whiny and mischievious time of life right now . . . he is honestly very trying right now.)

I have been nauseous and  for three days straight.   No period yet.

Catching Up

Wow.  It has been two months since I last posted here.  I do have another "normal" blog . . . and I did the A to Z Blog Challenge during the month of April.   I even posted about Sam.  It felt good to do so, but I didn't post about him every day.  


We have not started TTC again yet.   Plans changed yet again.   We are moving back to an area that has a "real" winter.  My husband does not want me to be due during winter again (like with Sam.)  So maybe this upcoming cycle we'll start?   


My last cycle was 30 days long.  Hmm, still very normal since last summer.   

GMA's Three Words

I know that, apparently, ABC's GMA did their live Three Words event.   However, are they still going to accept submissions for non-live viewings?  The reason I ask is that I would like to submit one for April 3.    It will say: "Miss Our Sam".   It will be four years since our little Sam died.


And our little sub baby, N, will be turning two on Friday.  He can say "Sam", and names him every time we show him Sam's pictures.   We don't think N really understands, but he knows about Sam and that is important.