Early Miscarriage

Starting two weeks ago, I got five positive hpts five mornings in a row. Each test became darker and faster with the positive line showing up. I was getting excited! My areolas were getting darker. I was starting to get nauseous. A wonderful Christmas present!

On December 23rd, my BBT remained high. I felt nauceous, and then around 1 pm, my nauseousness and dizziness went away. I was actually relieved. I went to the bathroom later, and found I'd been spotting and never noticed a thing. No cramping or pain. It stopped after about 10 minutes, and maybe 2 teaspoons of blood.

December 24th - Christmas Eve. I was not feeling so hopeful any more. Some spotting, mostly brown, mostly when I wiped. No cramping.

December 25th - Christmas Day. Spotting when wiping. Two very small clots. Major cramping with no spotting at all later in the day.

December 26th. More than spotting. Medium level bleeding, red. Major cramps almost like contractions. I knew it was over by then. Went to the emergency room for ultrasound and blood work. Few signs of pregnancy in my uterus, but luckily so sign of ectopic (yet). HCG level was 29. Way too low for over 5 weeks along. 29 was enough to trigger a positive Answer hpt that morning. I am to follow up with my OB on Monday - to get another HCG measure to make sure it is going down and not up (which could still mean an emerging ectopic - I hope not!)

December 28th. Still bleeding moderately, and some cramps. Like a bad period for me. My husband promises me that we can try immediately after I stop bleeding.

I want a living, healthy baby so badly.

2008 was quite a "sucky" year for so many reasons. I hope that 2009 will be so, so much better!

I may be pregnant. . .

I may be pregnant again, and it is scary. I am so scared. If I am pregnant, the baby's heart is forming right now, or at least within the next week. I have been talking to it, the embryo. . . telling our future child that we need her (I just have a feeling it is a girl, and not just wishful thinking) so very much, and that we need her to be as healthy as she can be.

I am not taking an SSRI this time, and neither was/is my husband. It makes things a little harder mentally, the stress and grief we still feel a lot, but it also gives us piece of mind that we did some things to give this new baby a better chance. We can't say for sure that our SSRIs caused our Sam's problems, but it was something we could change, that we could take away from the equation. I will talk more this in a future post.

I will continue with Sam's story again soon. We made it past his first birthday last week. It was a hard day for my husband and I. I will post about it soon, too.

Samyar's Story (Our Winter Baby) Part 1

Our baby Samyar (his name means "friend of the light" in Persian) in passed away in April 2008, early in the morning. It turned out to be the first spring-like day of spring in the Chicago suburbs. I always said that he was our winter baby. I found out that I was pregnant nearly one year to the day before he died. On that morning in April of 2007, it was snowing outside! (And it was not just melting on surfaces either, but I had to clean off a couple of inches to drive to work that morning.) On the day Sam was born, on December 10, there was snow on the ground and everything was covered with a layer of ice.

It turned out to be the worst Chicago-area winter in 30 years, weather and temperature-wise. Our little Samnini was in the hospital for the whole winter. His loving little cousins never got to see him, because they were "too young" to be allowed past of the waiting room of the hospital.