Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Legacy

Day 4: Legacy - This might be an odd thing to post, but this is a wall-hanging I've had since I was a young girl in love with rainbows. I just re-discovered it in a box of mine that has been in my parents' basement for many years. It is in wonderful shape. It also reminded me of my little Sam. I don't know if it properly reflects his "legacy" or not, but it reminds me of him. Samyar, in persian, means "friend of the light/fire". Also, the winter he was born, we had an entire month of no sunshine - except for about four hours one afternoon. It was a very snowy winter. (And my living son, aged 3, is claiming this for his own now. It is in very good shape - no mildew - so we can hang it in his room if he likes!)

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 3: Myth

Day 3: Myth 
Five weeks after Sam died, we visited Holland, Michigan. Lots of wonderful tulips. I was given some purple tulips at his funeral. I love purple, so had to take a picture. This was also the weekend that I found that someone (not naming names) who came for our son's funeral was surprised that I was still upset and crying sometimes. It seemed that I should be "over it" already, in this person's mind. It was also my first Mother's Day weekend.

Capture Your Grief project ~ Day 1: Sunrise

Last year, I participated in the Capture Your Grief Project and am trying again this year.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html

Finally Finished?

I think I am finally finished with this miscarriage.  Or that was the worst period I've had since I was a teen. (When my periods first started, the cramps were horrific. By my 20s, maybe some acetominiphyn or ibruprofen the first day, and that was it - if any.)

I was cramping so hard on Wednesday night that I couldn't sleep.  Even with ibroprofen. And benedryl.

I no longer feel pregnant even a little bit, like I did a mere week ago.

I think it is over.

I am so, so sad.  I really wanted this baby.

I already had nicknamed the baby "Piglet."

My living son keeps asking when we can have a "real baby" in our house. (As opposed to a doll.)

It's hard.

30+ Reasons I Just Had a Miscarriage

Because it is making me feel better (less anxious) to write down all of the possible reasons I just had an early miscarriage after months of trying to conceive - just to get them out of my head, causing constant panic. . .  here they are, ranked from the most likely (for instance, intellectually I know that the most likely reason is the Chromosomal Issues one, but emotionally - and in anxiety-speak - the others could have a place in this list):

1) Chromosomal Issue(s).  (Most likely the real reason.)
2) Hypothyroidism. (I am, but that seems to be under control at the moment.)
3) Severe Anxiety.  (Yes, I experience anxiety and panic.  However, my living son survived in utero with my anxiety, and my deceased first son also experienced a great deal of anxiety in utero when we discovered his defects.  He went on to be born alive at full-term, and in good health, except for his non-life-compatible congenital defects.)
4) Anxiety/panic over actually being pregnant when I got that first positive hpt. I had severe insomnia that night because I couldn't turn off my brain to sleep.
5) Not enough folic acid pre-conception. (Folic acid not only plays a role in neural tube development, but in the heart development in the baby.)  I wasn't taking pre-natals regularly for that month, either.
6) Working Out/Exercising/Weights - I was doing this when I conceived my living son, so maybe kind of a ridiculous reason.
7) My Age.  (I am not particularly young.)
8) Two previous c-sections.  It couldn't implant in a good place?
9) It was going to be a girl (which I dearly would love) and we can't have girls?!?
10) I got a painful insect or spider bite two days after positive hpt.  Could that have done something?
11) Didn't Drink Enough Water (early enough.)
12) It was conceived in Illinois.  (Our living son was conceived in Arizona. Others were conceived in Illinois.)
13) Ate stir-fried bean sprouts one week before first positive hpt.
14) Drank one sip of my brother's apple ale six days before first positive hpt.  Seriously, being pregnant wasn't on my radar as a possibility this month.
15) I made the mistake of dreaming and planning too soon.
16) My living son is not completely potty-trained yet.
17) Benedryl - Maybe I took too much?  I didn't think I was pregnant, and was having allergy issues (it is mold and ragweed season.)  It is considered class B, so should have been okay-ish.
18) I ate too much sugar.
19) Punishment from the universe.
20) Played too hard with living son in the high heat last week.
21) Living son jumped on me while I was lying down.
22) Took amoxycillin for two days for another issue, but broke out in a rash so stopped.  This might have been during ovulation.  Or the week before.  Not even sure when I actually ovulated.
23) Insomnia.
24) Slept on my Stomach - Can that cause something to go wrong?
25) I had my laptop on my laptop at some point.
26) Cell phone in my pants pocket.
27) Drank from plastic water bottles.
28) More things I ate before I knew I was pregnant:
Turmeric, Cumin, Ginger, Garlic, Mozzerella, Pepperoni, Deli Ham, Mayo, Sumac, Homemade soft serve ice cream my living son and I made together from scratch at the local Children's Museum, in a baggie.   Maybe I should not have eaten it, but I didn't know I was pregnant yet.
29) I touched a "Marley and Me" book for kids maybe even when I was conceiving (in late August in a bookstore - my son was taking things off the shelves and I put them back.  This also happened in 2008 when I was conceiving then (and then miscarried).  As well, I saw the movie of "Marley and Me" that Christmas of 2008 when I started miscarrying during the movie.  The same week we found out about Sam's HLHS, I was listened to the audio CD version of Grogan's "Marley and Me."  I avoided anything to do with that particular story when I was pregnant with my living son.  Again - had no idea I was conceiving this time.
30) I rode my bicycle under a big power line area around the time I might have ovulated.  You can hear the lines buzzing.


As a note, I am still hoping that it was a vanishing twin, and that I still could be pregnant.  Seriously, I doubt it - now.  I cramped really hard the other day.

Letter I Wrote But Never Sent to the PSHU

Here is a letter I wrote to the PSHU (Pediatric Surgical Heart Unit) after Sam's death and never sent, which I just rediscovered.  This is good - because I am forgetting all of the nurses'  names:

"To the PSHU nurses and all other staff:

We want to thank you very much for all the care you gave to our Sam.  You did very well with him, and gave him a lot of love.    We appreciate it greatly.  (We will address everyone more later in this letter.) 

            

We had a funeral service for Sam on Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 4 pm.  . . . [some editied out for some privacy] and he was buried near some of his great-great grandparents in nearby cemetery rather out in the ‘country’.  It is beautiful there in the summer. 

We were not aware at the time that we should contact the PSHU concerning the funeral arrangements. (We had the pastor acknowledge several of you during the service by name.) Dr. V----  said that they/you were waiting to hear.  The way everything was left after Sam died was that we should call a funeral home and then just leave.  That’s the feeling we got, that we should just get out, so there were also more bad feelings on our end.    We were frustrated that none of the doctors (including Dr. I---) with the exception of Dr. B----, who was there at the end, stopped by before we left.   We assumed that someone from the PSHU would be calling to check in with us, to see how we were doing, before the funeral.   We did not think of calling.   I suppose we rather felt as if no one cared there anymore because he had died.  We left when we did because Sam’s body was starting to really turn colors, and it was just time (and my deceased grandma had already assured me that Sam was with her).  The sun had been up for a while, and it was a very pretty spring day.  Sam was a winter baby. For the last few months, I had thought that he would get out of the hospital when this very active winter was finally over.   I guess I was right in a way.     

            For the nursing staff:  You are all great!  Thank you, Joanne, for all you did with Sam.  He really liked you.  Thank you so much for coming in to see us after he passed.  It really meant a lot to us!  Betty, thank you for everything.  We loved the way you talked to Sam, and for encouraging us to bring clothes for him.  Thank you for you support, and willingness to talk with me the day I had my meltdown.  Thank you, (little) Megan, for caring for him, and your efforts the night he passed.  Thanks for doing the hand molds, too.  Sarah, we just really liked you, and we think Sam liked you, too.  Jenny, thank you for making sure that Sam’s Dad got a chance to hold Sam while he was still alive.  It is especially meaningful now.  Thanks to Christine(sp?), the charge nurse who let me hold Sam in February.   It was great, and we didn’t get enough chances to hold him.   (Maybe you should let cases like ours hold him more often. . . We’re just saying. . . so many opportunities missed. . .) We also want to thank those of you who let us help bathe him occasionally.   It was so, so nice to be able to do that.   It was pregnant (pregnant at the time – we hope the baby arrived safe and healthy!) Beth who let us bathe him the Tuesday night before he passed.  We loved doing it, and will always remember those moments.  

            We would also like to thank Ann, who took the most formal picture(s) of Sam.  It was so good that we scanned one of the ones she gave us, and put it in a heart-shaped ornament for our Christmas tree (and one for my parents’ tree) this year.  He’s the angel at the top of our tree!   If Ann could email us with the digital versions of the pictures, that would be wonderful.  Another option would be to send us a cd with the files.  Our address is on the envelope we sent this letter in. 

            There are others would like to thank as well.  We would also like to thank Kathy, the social worker, for all of her assistance.   We would very much like to thank the physical and occupational therapists (we remember Joan, particularly, for some reason).   We’d like to thank the chaplin for securing the use of the piano in the lobby for B’s use late at night.  We’d like to thank the respiratory therapists, too, for their work with Sam. 

            We would also like to thank Dr. V---, as well for being patient with us, and explaining things well."  

Making Tahchin

Tonight, for the first time since early in pregnancy with Sam, I made a Persian dish called Tahchin.   As I was preparing it, I realized that I have in fact not made this dish in SIX entire years.   I found out I pregnant on April 12 six years ago.  I was so excited, and soon after, my morning sickness has become all-day sickness, and eating chicken was disgusting.  (With both Sam and my subsequent son, chicken has been a major turn off during the first half of pregnancy.)  Tahchin is a rice dish often made with chicken.   I know I made it that year, six years ago to take to the family Easter potluck, which was April 8th.  That morning I really suspected I was pregnant, but had gotten a negative pregnancy test.  Grandma said I looked "peaked" that day.   I talked to my cousin about the fact that tahchin has chicken in it so therefore not suitable for her vegetarian self.  

So . . . I have made the dish and added spinach to it this time.  I will enjoy the meal as well. It was just bringing up memories for me as I was preparing it.   They were good memories, too.

Still not pregnant again with another sub . . . although I need to wait almost another two weeks to see about this cycle :).  Maybe Tahchin magic?