Finally . . . sigh.

My doctor called Tuesday, and then my phone died completely. I had that phone for over four years. It was the one I got mere days before I found out I pregnant with N in July 2009.

I got a new phone last night night.  (It is not "smart" as we don't want to pay for data and want to keep the same plan we've had for years. It is just a slightly improved version of the phone I had.  And it is navy - the only color available - so not a fun color.  My old one was orange!)  I listened to my messages.  I wish I had heard my phone ring as it was my OB calling.

After almost two months, my HCG levels were "negative"/"normal."  The doctor said this, and this said, "so, yay?!" He then said he hoped I was okay.

That was really nice, actually.  I have been going in there faithfully for testing, even though we'll owe a lot of money.  We have excellent insurance, but each one of the blood draws requires a co-pay for the lab, and a co-pay for the test itself.  It adds up to a lot of money overall.

The thing is, with miscarriage, you don't want any of the "material" left in there.  If the HCG doesn't come down to "normal" (which is <5), then one has to do something else to expel all of the material.  It took a long time (let's see, I found out two months ago now that I was pregnant, started spotting a bit four days later, actually miscarried on Sept 15, and so on.)  I was surprised.  My body maybe didn't want to let it go.
 
The hcg went from 589 to 291 to 118 to 89 to 21 and finally to 0-5(normal) over the course of seven weeks!   It took a long time to come all the way down.  At 89, my breasts still acted like they were pregnant.  At the higher amounts I still felt woozy and nauseous.  (This was completely unlike my previous miscarriage in late 2008.) 

It is kind of relief now that it is totally over.  I still wonder why it happened, why I am not still pregnant, starting my second trimester and everything, but it is not as intense as it was at first. ( Here is my list of possible reasons: http://samyarsheart.blogspot.com/2013/09/26-reasons-i-just-had-miscarriage.html)

However, I know of people due in April, May (yes, May, when I should have been due) and June.  It might be a difficult time for me next spring.

Capture Your Grief Project - Day 15 - Wave of Light

Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Color

Day 8: Color
I don't know what color it is exactly - the color that reminds me of Sam the most is the yellowy-brown color on his little Bambi (the deer) doll.

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - You Now

Me, Now:

Today, I appreciated every moment with my living son.   I tried to see the world through his eyes.  I even appreciated when he took a nap this afternoon!  He was very tired, so I insisted, even though he insisted he didn't need one.  (He went to sleep almost immediately.)

That said, I know for a fact that I am less patient that I used to be, before Sam was in our lives.   I could tell right away when I went back to work after he died.  I was still nice to people, but inside got very impatient with helping people who just seemed to not get what I would be telling them.  With my second son, sometimes I get that way, but I remind myself of his age, and am able to calm down.

Capture Your Grief - Day 5 - Memory

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Legacy

Day 4: Legacy - This might be an odd thing to post, but this is a wall-hanging I've had since I was a young girl in love with rainbows. I just re-discovered it in a box of mine that has been in my parents' basement for many years. It is in wonderful shape. It also reminded me of my little Sam. I don't know if it properly reflects his "legacy" or not, but it reminds me of him. Samyar, in persian, means "friend of the light/fire". Also, the winter he was born, we had an entire month of no sunshine - except for about four hours one afternoon. It was a very snowy winter. (And my living son, aged 3, is claiming this for his own now. It is in very good shape - no mildew - so we can hang it in his room if he likes!)

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 3: Myth

Day 3: Myth 
Five weeks after Sam died, we visited Holland, Michigan. Lots of wonderful tulips. I was given some purple tulips at his funeral. I love purple, so had to take a picture. This was also the weekend that I found that someone (not naming names) who came for our son's funeral was surprised that I was still upset and crying sometimes. It seemed that I should be "over it" already, in this person's mind. It was also my first Mother's Day weekend.