Capture Your Grief - Day 8 - Color

Day 8: Color
I don't know what color it is exactly - the color that reminds me of Sam the most is the yellowy-brown color on his little Bambi (the deer) doll.

Capture Your Grief - Day 7 - You Now

Me, Now:

Today, I appreciated every moment with my living son.   I tried to see the world through his eyes.  I even appreciated when he took a nap this afternoon!  He was very tired, so I insisted, even though he insisted he didn't need one.  (He went to sleep almost immediately.)

That said, I know for a fact that I am less patient that I used to be, before Sam was in our lives.   I could tell right away when I went back to work after he died.  I was still nice to people, but inside got very impatient with helping people who just seemed to not get what I would be telling them.  With my second son, sometimes I get that way, but I remind myself of his age, and am able to calm down.

Capture Your Grief - Day 5 - Memory

Capture Your Grief - Day 4 - Legacy

Day 4: Legacy - This might be an odd thing to post, but this is a wall-hanging I've had since I was a young girl in love with rainbows. I just re-discovered it in a box of mine that has been in my parents' basement for many years. It is in wonderful shape. It also reminded me of my little Sam. I don't know if it properly reflects his "legacy" or not, but it reminds me of him. Samyar, in persian, means "friend of the light/fire". Also, the winter he was born, we had an entire month of no sunshine - except for about four hours one afternoon. It was a very snowy winter. (And my living son, aged 3, is claiming this for his own now. It is in very good shape - no mildew - so we can hang it in his room if he likes!)

Capture Your Grief ~ Day 3: Myth

Day 3: Myth 
Five weeks after Sam died, we visited Holland, Michigan. Lots of wonderful tulips. I was given some purple tulips at his funeral. I love purple, so had to take a picture. This was also the weekend that I found that someone (not naming names) who came for our son's funeral was surprised that I was still upset and crying sometimes. It seemed that I should be "over it" already, in this person's mind. It was also my first Mother's Day weekend.

Capture Your Grief project ~ Day 1: Sunrise

Last year, I participated in the Capture Your Grief Project and am trying again this year.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html

Finally Finished?

I think I am finally finished with this miscarriage.  Or that was the worst period I've had since I was a teen. (When my periods first started, the cramps were horrific. By my 20s, maybe some acetominiphyn or ibruprofen the first day, and that was it - if any.)

I was cramping so hard on Wednesday night that I couldn't sleep.  Even with ibroprofen. And benedryl.

I no longer feel pregnant even a little bit, like I did a mere week ago.

I think it is over.

I am so, so sad.  I really wanted this baby.

I already had nicknamed the baby "Piglet."

My living son keeps asking when we can have a "real baby" in our house. (As opposed to a doll.)

It's hard.